Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to date

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Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to date

Postby Stefos » Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:59 am

Hi everyone,

I'm very perplexed.

I belong to an online site and try to get date ladies but as I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????

Insights please would be appreciated.......

Here are some of my own:

1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby odysseus » Tue Mar 04, 2014 2:11 am

Stefos wrote:
1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar



Buddha did not give specific love advice except general teachings on how to live a harmonious life in the world.

1. They may care but have a lot of noise in their lives.

2. They are afraid of being disappointed.

3-4. Don´t know what you wrote on these forums, but it´s easy to be misunderstood on the Internet. Try again?


"I can handle any woman" is my motto *lol*.

Check out the Kamasutra (the unillustrated one so you don´t get too many ideas).
Last edited by odysseus on Tue Mar 04, 2014 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Stefos » Tue Mar 04, 2014 2:23 am

odysseus wrote:
Buddha did not give specific love advice except general teachings on how to live a harmonious life in the world.

1. They may care but have a lot of noise in their lives.

2. They are afraid of being disappointed.

3-4. Don´t know what you wrote on these forums, but it´s easy to be misunderstood on the Internet. Try again?


Hi Odysseus,
Regarding 3 & 4, I meant on the internet dating forum I joined for 1 month....not any forum here! :)

This is my 2nd post on this online site! :)

Blessings,
Stefos
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby dzogchungpa » Tue Mar 04, 2014 3:25 am

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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Lindama » Tue Mar 04, 2014 3:57 am

Stefos,
Time to take a look.... it has nothing to do with what they think. Nobody is too impressed if you say things like you are not so and so.... it doesn't say a thing about who you are, and personally, I'd be suspicious. We are talking real life here, who are you as a person. If that is all you said, it doesn't describe who you are and why anyone would want to spend time with you. Moreover, we don't bring up who we are not unless we are that, or fear it .... so you are raising a big red flag. The key is to be honest even if you think it won't impress anyone... women want a man who is not afraid of himself. Women mostly don't want a man with a position.

And, personally, I really wouldn't care if you are following the dharma.... what does that mean to others? It's up for speculation. If you say that you care about xyz and animals (if you really do) then that is a clue. If you are honest and say you'd like to get to know other ppl, that says something. Think about what you'd like to see in a companion, forget the dharma for now... it's not a whole lot better than when my grandmother told me that I must never marry a Catholic sixty years ago when I was 7.... just be kind and honest and you will attract same.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby tomamundsen » Tue Mar 04, 2014 5:23 am

I'm not trying to offend or provoke, but really, just don't use online dating sites. They are terrible for men. The online dating game works really well for women, but not for men. I have started a relationship from online dating in the past, but my results are way better in person. I know many other guys with the same opinion.

Just approach girls you're interested in during every-day scenarios. In the grocery store, on the street, wherever you might be where you cross paths with an interesting woman.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby reddust » Tue Mar 04, 2014 7:02 am

My advice and this worked for me. Go do things you like, join a club or hobby group. I belong to several gardening, hiking, and art groups and I have met the nicest people. I used Meetup to find local groups I am interested in. Get involved in community service, I've met some real nice people doing service work. Someone may know someone and hook you up too. Dating sites can't do that for you and you don't know if the person online is being truthful about themselves. When you hang out with people you can see how people are in all sorts of situations before you get involved. Be a good person and do things you like, you will run into your lady if it's in your cards.

I've met some nice people at Dharma events too, but I swear there are a lot of crazy folk too, so be careful. If you are looking to spend you life with someone put some time and effort into yourself, be a quality person and you will attract quality people. It's hard for people to see that online.

I know lots of people who date online, but you gotta know how to sell yourself. It's all about marketing yourself as a product. If you do a search you will find how to make up a good dating profile. Most people don't know how to say good things about themselves or promote their positive qualities. That's kind of sad.

Also a sad note about the folk I know who dated a lot online, most of them are guys I knew in Chicago and dated online for an "easy lay." I didn't know any women who would admit to that and it's really dangerous for us women, we are more vulnerable to rape and violence. I know at least five people I've worked with over the years who met their mate online. I know half dozen folk who divorced because of online dating when they were married. So be careful hooking up with strangers.

I met my husband when I let go of all hope of ever finding a kind hearted man and he was an awful date. He was my best friend first, we knew each other for years, but OMG, what an awful date. Being best friends first made it easier to let that go... :rolling: ;)

EDIT: it's easy to find a date, there are millions of people out there looking to find a date. It's really hard to find a good person. When you find a good person the Dharma will happen naturally :namaste:
Mind and mental events are concepts, mere postulations within the three realms of samsara Longchenpa .... A link to my Garden, Art and Foodie blog Scratch Living
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Sherlock » Tue Mar 04, 2014 7:39 am

If you have the karma to meet a partner you will meet a partner, if not, not, neither is better or worse. Don't worry about it.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Nighthawk » Tue Mar 04, 2014 8:23 am

Stefos wrote:Hi everyone,

I'm very perplexed.

I belong to an online site and try to get date ladies but as I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????

Insights please would be appreciated.......

Here are some of my own:

1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos


Don't worry about what they think. Gain some confidence in yourself and keep focus on ways you can improve your game. Women are not attracted to insecure men and can sense it really easily. As already said by someone, approach women your interested in person and stay away from online dating. If you fail to get their number then don't worry and keep trying. Eventually you'll find someone interested in you too. Appearance is also very important so try to look sharp when going out.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Stefos » Tue Mar 04, 2014 11:18 pm



Hi,

I'm aware of Vajranatha but wasn't aware of Kurukulla.

Are you suggesting that I do sadhana on or inclusive or exclusive to her?

How would I go about actually buying those texts that Vajranatha mentions?

Thank you,
Stefos

E MA HO!
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Stefos » Tue Mar 04, 2014 11:24 pm

For everyone:

Thank you for your input!

I appreciate everything.

What one said about online dating is good advice.
What another said about the Karma for a mate is good also.
What another said about appearance is also beneficial in a relative sense.

So, I do try to take care of myself on multiple levels...not just physically.
I'm a disabled vet who has a screwed up spine and can't have a gleaming 6 pack of abs! LOL Nor am I a slob either..I just lost 28 lbs by exercise & diet.

Also, appearance is beneficial to non-practitioners but should be of lesser importance to practitioners because they should know about impermanence and
a host of other things revolving around dharma! Suffice to say, I don't dress shabbily either.

Thank you everyone,
May you ALL attain the ultimate liberation!

E MA HO! How wonderful!
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Son of Buddha » Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:07 am

Stefos wrote:Hi everyone,

I'm very perplexed.

I belong to an online site and try to get date ladies but as I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????

don't say i'm a fanatic or weirdo...it only makes people think you are indeed a fanatic or a weirdo.

for you to say such things implies that you know that how you act or how you live your life is seen as "somewhat weird or fanatical"

instead own whoever you are and treat everything you do as if it is the most normal thing,............


Insights please would be appreciated.......

Here are some of my own:

1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos



i'm confused on 3 and 4

why would they think you are a bigot?
why would they think you are a liar?
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Stefos » Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:16 pm

Son of Buddha wrote:
Stefos wrote:Hi everyone,

I'm very perplexed.

I belong to an online site and try to get date ladies but as I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????

don't say i'm a fanatic or weirdo...it only makes people think you are indeed a fanatic or a weirdo.

for you to say such things implies that you know that how you act or how you live your life is seen as "somewhat weird or fanatical"

instead own whoever you are and treat everything you do as if it is the most normal thing,............


Insights please would be appreciated.......

Here are some of my own:

1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos



i'm confused on 3 and 4

why would they think you are a bigot?
why would they think you are a liar?


Thanks for your insight! :)

I have removed the "weirdo or fanatic" part.

The reason why I think that people would think I'm a bigot or liar is that on online things,
people who are very spiritual can be viewed as "He thinks he's got the way or is above it all" or "He's too good to be true, he's lying, he's got
something to hide."

I'm serious, ANYTHING can be thought by people...period.

Thank you! :)

Stefos
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby AlexanderS » Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:53 pm

Stefos wrote:Hi everyone,

I'm very perplexed.

I belong to an online site and try to get date ladies but as I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????

Insights please would be appreciated.......

Here are some of my own:

1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos


They can reject you for reasons that have nothing to do with you being buddhist.

I found that I more easily attract women after becoming a practioner.

Look the best you can. If you are on a date focus on making it relaxed and fun instead of trying force chemistry.

All succes is fuelled by merit, so cultivate lots of that too :)
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby Andrew108 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:10 pm

Buddhists don't always listen. They see others as basically ignorant. They think their ideas are really sophisticated. They think they can change you or save you, and don't appreciate you for what you are...and so on...
The Blessed One said:

"What is the All? Simply the eye & forms, ear & sounds, nose & aromas, tongue & flavors, body & tactile sensations, intellect & ideas. This, monks, is called the All. Anyone who would say, 'Repudiating this All, I will describe another,' if questioned on what exactly might be the grounds for his statement, would be unable to explain, and furthermore, would be put to grief. Why? Because it lies beyond range." Sabba Sutta.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby odysseus » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:46 pm

Andrew108 wrote:Buddhists don't always listen. They see others as basically ignorant. They think their ideas are really sophisticated. They think they can change you or save you, and don't appreciate you for what you are...and so on...


That´s a kind of double standard. Buddhists don´t like to proselytize. Seduce them first with your enlightened personality, then they will be persuaded by the mighty power of reality!!!

:zzz:
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby odysseus » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:51 pm

Stefos wrote:I've clearly explained my position, ladies seem to just not care!

Why is this? Especially when I'm being honest by stating "I'm not a fanatic or weirdo"??????


A thought: not everyone has a clue about Buddhism, so maybe be cautious about how much you expound yourself. I´m not on Facebook to date, but I said I´m a tantric buddhist and nothing more detailed.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby wisdom » Wed Mar 12, 2014 7:18 pm

Its best to refrain from talking about or displaying ones practice. There is no sense in it and unless you uphold good conduct it might create negative or wrong views in the minds of others towards Dharma in general. Listing oneself as a practitioner of Tantra will mislead almost everyone since everyone thinks Tantra is just about being good in bed, so its best to refrain from that as well.

In fact its said one should not wear Dharma items as fashion accessories, not even malas and so forth. Even less should one tell the whole world that one is a Buddhist, whats the point of that anyways? One should not wear clothing that has Dharma related things on it, such as bags, wallets, shirts and so forth in an ordinary way. Its one thing to own for example some red or yellow clothing you wear specifically for Dharma events. If you treat it with respect and like a sacred object, then thats one thing. But if you wear it in order to show the world you are a Buddhist, thats only attachment and is contrary to ones purpose in practicing Dharma.

As for a dating website or Facebook, simply listing yourself as a "Buddhist" without any additional qualifications should suffice. This will at least weed out people who refuse to date anyone besides a Christian for example. Also if you make qualifying statements like "Im not this" or "I am that" it just raises suspicion and questions about why you feel the need to qualify these things at all. Generally when people think they need to say something like "Im not a weirdo" its because they actually are a little socially awkward, or have been in the past, and while they may be trying to get past it, mentioning that you are not a weirdo just makes people think that secretly you are a weirdo. If you are not, there is no reason to try to convince anyone otherwise because it will be apparent that you are not. Same goes for not being a fanatic or whatever else.

Theres nothing wrong with being a weirdo of course, Buddha knows I am! Especially in our society being abnormal might be far more healthy than being "normal and socially adjusted" due to what "normal" means in the west. As long as you are socially functional there is no problem. Being normal in our society means having strong attachment to self and other, strong attachment to material goods, strong attachment to everything, thinking your beliefs are sacred and immutable and guarding them with all your might even if they are outright ignorant, and so forth. Being normal is not good in the west in my opinion, better to be a weirdo and just accept that fact than try to fit into a society that is clearly unhealthy in almost every conceivable way.
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby wisdom » Wed Mar 12, 2014 7:38 pm

Stefos wrote:1. They really DON"T care!
2. They are afraid
3. They think I'm a bigot
4. They think I'm a liar

I do have a job working for the federal gov't and do own my own car & do live in an apartment too btw....So I'm not a deadbeat or lazy.

Thanks,
Stefos


1. Most people dont care about anything that is not relevant to them.
2. Few people are afraid of Dharma, but most people are either religious in a non-Dharmic way, or think all religions are just "superstition" and have no concept or belief in the effectiveness and power of something like Dharma practice.
3. Its unlikely people think you are bigoted unless you act in a bigoted manner. Do you slander other people for not being practitioners? Do you slander other religions? Then you are a bigot, otherwise this is unlikely.
4. A liar about what? Do you tell them you have some high attainment you dont have? Then you would be a liar. Yet you only would really be lying to yourself in that case, but I doubt you do this so I doubt 4 is very relevant either.

Lots of men have a job, car and house. Are you physically fit, healthy? Do you have a good relationship with your family? Are you socially connected and do you easily make friends? Are you able to socially mingle without much effort? These are also things that get women interested in men, especially the social status stuff. Even if you are really intelligent, kind, compassionate, and have money, a job, and a car, without social status many women will be very reluctant to date you because they will think "Whats secretly wrong with him that he has no friends or cannot make any friends?".

Since this is in the ethical conduct forum, you should consider what level of Dharma vows you wish to hold and maintain, and whether or not your Dharma goals are in line with your worldly, dating goals. You should consider why you feel the need for a relationship at all, and what kind of ultimate good obtaining a partner can do for you. Obviously we all want to be loved, not feel lonely, and so forth. Yet the highest love is self love, the most faithful lover is within, and I recently read a good quote about loneliness that amounted to the fact that we get lonely because we arent doing anything with our time. If we are engaged in study and practice and going out and doing things, we wont be lonely. If we are not lonely, we wont be desperate. If we are not desperate, women will find us more attractive. Desperation is a killer of attraction for women.

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with having a life partner, but you should consider whether or not the kinds of women you are trying to date are the kinds of women who can support and uphold your goals in Dharma whatever they may be. In other words, will they be upset if you go on a three month retreat? Will they distract you from Dharma, denigrate or disrespect it?

Many western women demand a lot of time, attention, money and praise. For me personally these things are not in line with my practice so I refrain from dating because spending lots of money to impress a girl is not really on my list of things to do. In fact a lot of dating is based on manipulation and agenda based thinking. We rarely can say what we really feel. Both the man and women tend to try to only display their best qualities and hide their worst, they tend to hide their true feelings and only display their false ones. Its all a mess and this is why I dont bother with it.

I cant answer these questions for you of course. For me personally this is my view/opinion on these matters, I am totally celibate, but I am open to having a relationship with a Dharma practitioner if the conditions arise for that and I perceive it is in the best interest of myself and them to do so. A relationship can be very good in this world because it can help us maintain financial stability, and also two Dharma practitioners can accomplish a lot together if they are both motivated to practice Dharma. They can support each other in retreats for example, either financially or through cooking/taking care of the other while they are in retreat (basically taking turns sponsoring each other).

So there are a lot of questions I would ask if I were you. Perhaps for now since you are feeling frustrated, examine your mind, motivations, intentions, and so forth for awhile and try to gain some clarity for yourself.

I wish you all the best!
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Re: Dating and following Dharma...Why is it so difficult to

Postby rory » Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:00 am

First of all I date online and it works great if - you're a lesbian (I am). Because women know how to talk to other women. Men care and talk about stuff and things eg: "I have a car, I have a job." And avoid any talk of game and marketing yourself. UGH.

And most women don't care about your abs or other physical measurements down below. Gay men do. This is a male obsession, women don't care at all.... WOMEN WANT MEN TO LISTEN TO THEM. I wrote this in caps and bold as this is the most important thing you will ever learn about women.

Listen to me: women share -they care about feelings and emotions. So when you describe yourself: say what you want in a relationship, do you want to be friends with things in common? What kind of activities do you enjoy doing, books reading, relationships, pets...SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. That's the 2nd most important thing you can ever learn about women.

I describe myself as a Buddhist and it's fine, it's considered normal if not cool.
finally do not ever listen to a male give you advice to snare a women. It works great with other males. If you want a genuine long-lasting relationship with a loving partner, share your feelings, hope, desires. Be honest and sincere.
gassho
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