Can somebody help me?

[taidangau]

I am a 49 yo man from Hong Kong.
I lost my job last year and could not find since then, coz too old in Hong Kong job market.
Lately, I found a sales job (not retail, rather selling fabric to factory customers), but I have no experience, do not feel I am capable...
Everyday when I go to office, feeling like empty-minded, do not know what to do, how to do, and scared of everything.
I know suicide is wrong, but always think of killing myself to end my life in this samsara, though I know this is wrong, particularly after I became Buddhist last year.
But I am lost, and scared (of everything). I hope someone can help me to think thru'...
I am just lost...

[LastLegend]

Recite Namo Kwan Yin Pusa or Namo Dayuan Dizang Pusa everyday, and ask for help. It also helps to clear your mind. Kwan Yin Pusa is known for immediate relief of mental suffering/anguish/distress. There are mantras which you can do also, but I am not familiar with most of them.

Read Dayuan Dizang Sutra here:

In many different languages including Chinese.

http://ksitigarbha.net/sutras.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Jesse]

I agree with lastlegend, talking to someone would probably help. It's hard to deal with those sorts of feelings by yourself. Talk to friends/family, go to some buddhist temples for their daily practices. Getting around positive people can help alot sometimes.

In my experience, the thing that makes us feel suicidal is having nothing to do. Since we have nothing to focus on, we focus instead on our inner thoughts, which are negative, then that just makes us feel worse. So when you feel that way, it's best to put your focus somewhere else.. when you do you'l feel better, and your thoughts will be more positive.

From there you can help yourself, or get some help.

[silver surfer]

I don't think talking to someone will help that much. You need to change your experience of life.

I've been suicidal for years, and I exactly know what it is. And I know how nothing can help you, except yourself. Firstly, there is one thing very important that you need to know;

>> DO NOT ATTEMPT ANYTHING STUPID, YOU WILL REGRET IT BIG TIME - REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME <<

Since you're a Buddhist now, I'd suggest you have faith in the Buddha and the Dhamma. These 2 mental objects will definitely give you strenght. Be aware that what you're going through is the result of your previous kamma, and these times will definitely pass. Meditate as much as you can, and do whatever you do with passion. Imagine as if it's actually enjoyable whatever it is that you're doing. I'm guessing money is the main problem in your life? I believe you will make money they way you like, eventually. I also believe that you're a good person, anyone who thinks of suicide is good in the heart.

I'd also suggest you spend time with animals, they'll give you peace, some sort of a mental calm. Spend time in nature as much as possible.

Please keep this thread updated.

[Paul]

If you need to brush up your business skills such as sales, I really recommend this website: http://www.businessballs.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

It has a stupid name, but the information on there is fantastic and a good place to look for other resources.

[lorem]

Suicide is bad not only for yourself but for others.

My ex committed suicide last year and it has really messed up a lot of people. Follow the suggestions above. All I would like to add is that I don't know your situation but sometimes if you feel hopeless or depressed and are thinking about it: sleep. Take a nap or if at night call it early and go to bed. The next day you might not even feel the same way.

But see a Dr. if you are really feeling bad. It's always a better solution.

[Punya]

If you need to brush up your business skills such as sales, I really recommend this website: http://www.businessballs.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;"

It has a stupid name, but the information on there is fantastic and a good place to look for other resources.

This sounds like great practical advice. I really hope it helps. In terms of selling I would say be yourself and become very knowledgeable about the products you are selling.

Our sense of worth these days is so tied up with work, a lojong practice focussing on self also seems important. I've sent you a short practice by Private Message (PM) (see user panel above) which really helped me at a difficult time. From a mahayana perspective you need to care for yourself before you can help others.

[taidangau]

I am a 49 yo man from Hong Kong.
I lost my job last year and could not find since then, coz too old in Hong Kong job market.
Lately, I found a sales job (not retail, rather selling fabric to factory customers), but I have no experience, do not feel I am capable...
Everyday when I go to office, feeling like empty-minded, do not know what to do, how to do, and scared of everything.
I know suicide is wrong, but always think of killing myself to end my life in this samsara, though I know this is wrong, particularly after I became Buddhist last year.
But I am lost, and scared (of everything). I hope someone can help me to think thru'...
I am just lost...

Thank you guys for your nice comfort/ advice, perhaps some more background about me:
~2001, never been a good son to my parents, but in this year, found a nice job, made good income, suddenly realized I was
so bad before as a son, and now I had to treat my parents good since then.
I bought them things (hoping they would be pleased, and they were), took them to nice restaurants, brought them to travel
1-2 times a year. I had my most happiest time in these 2-3 years of my life, ever
~2003, too bad, both of my parents got stroke almost at the same time, I was shocked, hurt and heart-broken. Got to settle
them by taking good care of them, a lot of things to do...
At last, after half a year, they both were settled at home, but I got depression and had to take anti-depression drugs for
half a year
~2006, my beloved dad passed away, though he's already 84 yo, but still felt hurt, and felt my world is different since then,
in a negative way, see the world kinda grey
~2010, one morning in April, my dearest beloved mom took detergent, and was gone...
I simply could not believe this was true, so surreal!
I still remember, by that morning when I received a call from my sister-in-law (who lived with my mom and took care of
her) that she'd taken detergent and could almost not make it, I jumped up from my bed (I did not live with them), and
rushed to the hospital, that morning, Monday, working day right after a long Easter holidays, rained heavily, traffic was
bad, I could not find any cab, and at last, there was a cab with passenger, waiting before traffic light, I knocked the
window and told the girl passenger inside, telling her my case, she was so nice to get off and let me take the cab instead!
But still too late when I arrived, my mom was in the emergency room, but soon after I arrived, immediately the doctor and
nurses announced they could not make it, my mom had really gone! I did not believe this was true! No, this was not true!
All my brothers and sister, and their children all gathered in the room where my mom was laying on a steel trolley.
I asked my niece to get me a pillow, a blanket, comb and towel.
I put the pillow under my mom's head, coz I wanted to make her feel comfortable, and also covered her with a blank, a
wool blanket, not a white sheet of blanket, coz I was afraid she might feel cold!
I combed her, cleaned her face.
After 1 to 2 hours' time, our family was supposed to leave, but I insisted to spend some time with her, and I spent 2 more
hours with her, alone!
I once read the Tibetan Book of Life and Death, having a concept I should not cry, or my mom would not be willing to go to
the West Pure Land. That time I was not still a Buddhist, but was more inclined to Buddhism, thanks to technology, I used
my iPhone to surf the internet, and found a site with Kun-Yi mantra, I hardly followed to recite, hoping she would go to the
West Pure land.
I kissed my mom, couple of times, she was still not that cold, and I controlled myself not to cry, fearing this would affect
her way to the West Pure Land...
~end 2010, I got a swelling, or to be exact, a tumor, on my neck
~lucky me, end 2010, I met my true lover that time after so many years
~2 years ago, I quit my ex-company, and worked soho, earning less, but more personal time, happy with that
~too bad, last year, my customer went bankrupt, meaning I had to find a new job
~but being such an age, in the manpower market here in HK, I could then never find any similar job, even at a much lower
salary
~until 2 months ago,I was recommended by a friend to work in my current company as a salesman, but this is really
something I am not used to, and am never good at!
~I do not have friends except my lover
~I just think oftenly, if not my lover, why am I still living here in this world, what for?
~I regret so much for being not nice to my parents, especially my dearest beloved mom, I did not realise how much I love
her until she's gone, or actually, since 2001 when she's still alive, I realised she's so great! I always think, why so short the
happy moment with her for only 2-3 years? Karma? I dunno.

I am lost...

[Ayu]

At the same occurences one can look from different angles to get completely different perspectives.
Maybe it's time to make a list about the positive things you did and experienced.
If you can't find out yourself, you should see a therapist or another person to help you in changing the perspective.

[muni]

I am lost...

We all can feel once like this. But we cannot be lost, we cannot be separate from the Great Compassion but we are used to believe our sad thoughts that we are lost. Because we identify with thoughts.
May help; in silent moment, sitting or walking on your own; watch inside the never ending flow of passing thoughts, it then can become clear that we cannot be merely our thoughts since other ways we should not be able to watch them. That what is aware of the thoughts, is not dragged away in sorrow. But being dragged in the flow of thoughts, we are swimming in sadness. That what is aware of the thoughts is where thoughts are freely coming and going.

Difficult moments/periods are great opportunity for genuine meditation. Then meditation makes experiences losing their weight.
Mantra as said here, is also very helpful. May you meet a spiritual friend for support.

[LastLegend]

taidangau,

I strongly suggest that you sincerely take your refuge in Dayuan Dizang Pusa with deep faith, and sincerely recite his name while looking at his image (you image google Dayuan Dizang Pusa), and express your problems to him. Do this as much as you can, my friend. Your mind is going through turbulence right now, and you need the nourishment of a Bodhisattva such as Dayuan Dizang. I cannot advice you on mantra because mantrayana is not what I practice. Sincere faith and recitation work for me.

[Ayu]

I think, there have been many very good answers until now. Topic locked.

If anybody has something more to say (noting the ToS), feel free to PM me to open it again.