About romantic relationships

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Pumo
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About romantic relationships

Post by Pumo »

Well, how do I start?

OK, as I've said on other topics and posts on the forum, many may already know that I had a hard life overall, regarding mental and physical health, and that's why I got into Buddhism, and I can tell everyone that the Dharma is making wonders on me.

But now I would like to touch the subject about my situation regarding romantic 'relationships', and see what kind of advice I can get from mature people with experience and knowledge like the users from this forum.
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So to start:
I've never, ever had a romantic relationship with anyone, never got a girlfrend or anything, due to several situations.
Partly due to my fault, and partly due to the overprotecting family I got, as I was isolated from the 'outside world' for too much time.

I'm in my early 30's now, and I'm finally living freely, like an adult, but regarding romance, well...

About 10 years ago I met a girl that was some years older than me when I was on treatment on the hospital. We saw each other on every chemotherapy cycle, and got several encounters and we talked a lot and had a very nice friendship. She never knew that I was discretely in love with her.

When I got outside of the hospital, I never got the chance to met her again during all these years, as the hospital is in another city, so we live completely separated and took very different ways. Although I travel for a couple of days to the city for my routine checking every 3 to 6 months (sometimes even more timelapse), we don't have the chance to have an encounter, as she's always very busy to schedule it, and I can't travel too constantly nor can stay on the city for too much time due to my job and economical reasons.

So we use to talk a bit through Facebook just as friends.
And with the distance we had over all those years, it would have been weird if I told her about my feelings, and I wanted to at least remain as friends with her.
So I got resigned to accept that our paths went too differently over the years, and I was (and I currently am) OK with that.

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But then on more recent years, about 5/6 years ago, I met another girl at my job (a consumer of the merchandise I sell), and we became huge friends.
But deep inside me, once more, I was falling in love with her by each day. :heart:

Recently, after I got able to socialize more freely due to my improved psychological situation, and while talking with her, both of us realized we were VERY similar in many aspects, as both of us passed through hard family moments during our childhood, and are also similar in tastes, and ideology (even spiritually, although she's not Buddhist!). So as you may guessed it, I became more in love with her.

However, as a Buddhist I'm now, I'm always guarding my feelings to prevent too much clinging and craving for romantic love.

Anyway, during our talks, she shared with me some stuff about what I thought it was her ex-boyfriend, but now I know that she and her ex are still some kind of distanced 'Friendish-Boyfriends' (?), as on the outside they are kind of separated but they keep in contact through FB as he keeps sending her romantical messages in secret, but there's not a real relation either.
She's very similar to me, and it was her fisrt boyfriend, BTW.

In the end, both of us don't have much experience in the matter, although she's younger than me (she's in his early 20's, if I'm not wrong).

However, although I keep observing the 3 marks of existence and I'm more or less in peace regarding this romantical matter,
I've grown to really love her, but I'm once more affraid to create a bad dynamic between us and our friendship if I tell her my feelings, and even more by knowing that she's still contacting her ex.

Taking in account I'm an Upasaka and I would like to have a sane romantical relationship, what would be the Dharmic approach to this?
Do you think I'm still able to try with this girl that I love, and how it would be the best way, without harming her or even his ex (as I don't want to cause harm to anyone).

Also, how I would approach her while keeping the precepts and using Right Speech?

Thanks in advance. :anjali:
'may all beings be happy at heart.' - Karaniya Metta Sutta :buddha1:
sattva
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by sattva »

I am probably NOT the best person to give advice, but here goes anyway. I don't think I would start with telling her how you are feeling, though some might say you should and I personally, have a tendency to say whatever is on my mind and in my heart (even when I shouldn't). What I would do is to mention that you know she still has some kind of relationship with her ex-boyfriend and you aren't sure how important that is, but you were wondering how she might feel about going out with you on a date. Tell her, there is no pressure and if she feels it is best to not date and just remain friends you are okay with that. Then, see how it goes. If she wants to date, just start casual and see what happens.
Schrödinger’s Yidam
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by Schrödinger’s Yidam »

Buddhists fall in love and get married millions of times more often than they get enlightened. Unless you aspire to sainthood go for it, but know that when it doesn't work there is great suffering. And even when it does work you end up with a different set of problems.
1.The problem isn’t ‘ignorance’. The problem is the mind you have right now. (H.H. Karmapa XVII @NYC 2/4/18)
2. I support Mingyur R and HHDL in their positions against lama abuse.
3. Student: Lama, I thought I might die but then I realized that the 3 Jewels would protect me.
Lama: Even If you had died the 3 Jewels would still have protected you. (DW post by Fortyeightvows)
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Ayu
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by Ayu »

My sentiment says: Try it.
It is not easy to find such a person in one's life. So, don't waste your time with hesitating for nothing.
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maybay
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by maybay »

Don't contrive to tell her your feelings. Let that come naturally and progressively. If its too ubrupt it could feel more like you're just trying to shake the responsibility for your own feelings, and then she will feel loaded, even resentful. So be gentle. Be a gentleman. Don't tell her how you feel, show her.
People will know nothing and everything
Remember nothing and everything
Think nothing and everything
Do nothing and everything
- Machig Labdron
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Ayu
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by Ayu »

maybay wrote:... Don't tell her how you feel, show her.
:good: This is what I meant.
It is a balance of not-hiding your feelings on one side and sticking to yourself on the other side.
AlexMcLeod
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by AlexMcLeod »

The best way to start a relationship is to interact alone and in groups as frequently as possible. If something develops, it does. Otherwise, it does not.
Relax! Smile From The Heart!
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.
A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha »

Every romantic relationship I have been in...and i am VERY experienced. ...started out incredible...but all ended disastrously. ....but as the saying goes..." Better to have loved and lost...than never to have loved at all "

I can't imagine the suffering people go through trying to suppress their natural feelings..
So there is suffering either way...

Everything is suffering. ..until you're Enlightened ...thus I have heard...
Pumo
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Re: About romantic relationships

Post by Pumo »

Thanks everyone for the advice, it's going to be very useful.
sattva wrote:What I would do is to mention that you know she still has some kind of relationship with her ex-boyfriend and you aren't sure how important that is, but you were wondering how she might feel about going out with you on a date.
Yeah, that would be a nice approach, but will a wait before going in to that, because as maybay said:
maybay wrote:Don't contrive to tell her your feelings. Let that come naturally and progressively. If its too ubrupt it could feel more like you're just trying to shake the responsibility for your own feelings, and then she will feel loaded, even resentful. So be gentle. Be a gentleman. Don't tell her how you feel, show her.
Maybe letting things flow will be the best thing to do as first approach. :)
Ayu wrote:My sentiment says: Try it.
It is not easy to find such a person in one's life. So, don't waste your time with hesitating for nothing.
This... You nailed how I feel about this, this makes me feel more confident.
Kunga Lhadzom wrote:" Better to have loved and lost...than never to have loved at all "

I can't imagine the suffering people go through trying to suppress their natural feelings..
So there is suffering either way...

Everything is suffering. ..until you're Enlightened ...thus I have heard...
smcj wrote:... Unless you aspire to sainthood go for it, but know that when it doesn't work there is great suffering. And even when it does work you end up with a different set of problems.
Yeah, I'm pretty conscious and aware about that. I know I will suffer either way, but I got the conviction to try it, as I've been always trying to block and negate me the sentiment of romantical love.

Great advice I got here, as always, thanks once more. :anjali:
'may all beings be happy at heart.' - Karaniya Metta Sutta :buddha1:
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