Dharma Wheel

I feel very awkward writing about this publicly, so please forgive me if I am being too personal and revealing.

I have not hid the fact that in the past I had a very serious problem with hard drugs. I overdosed multiple times and came very close to dying. I managed to get clean and reamained so for many years. I developed a strong practice and have been blessed by making connections with many wonderful teachers.

This summer I relapsed and posted about it here on DW. I got many encouraging and helpful replies, and for this I am thankful. I have since been acting like everything is fine and that life has returned to normal. Unfortuanately, this is not the case. I have succumbed to my past habits and am now a full-fledged addict. After using heroin tonight I just fell apart. I realize that I need help.

In some ways I feel like this time around it is worse than before; I feel like I am a disgrace and insult to my teachers and lineage. I still do my daily practice. Its almost pathetic, here I am doing ngondro completely dope sick. For some time now, I have been planning on doing a personal retreat this coming Tuesday. I don't want to ever touch this stuff again and am determined to go through with the retreat, sick or not. I will be practicing a sadhana called Orgyen Kaldren Drenze. It is a Guru Rinpoche practice that includes sections focused on particular activities such as long life and dispelling of obstacles. I am dedicating this retreat to overcoming this horrible addiction.

I know that the road to recovery is going to be long and hard, but I have done it before. I am willing to do whatever it takes and am not above seeking help. Any prayers and good energy you could send my way would be much appreciated. This is the first time since this started that I have admitted that I have a problem. This has been tearing me apart and I just want to be whole again. I want to get better. Sorry if this topic is not appropriate for this forum.

Thanks,
Troy

Hello Troy,

through my own personal experiences i'm fully able to understand you.
Please note, that the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas (who fill the whole space) love you with all their empathy.
You're not a "disgrace & insult" - just what your doing is a calamitous habit, born out of a severe sickness...

This is the first time since this started that I have admitted that I have a problem.

THIS is a wonderful, essential, nessessary first step. I think you're tough enough to make your way. Please reach out for some people who help you in real life also. Don't try to manage this on your own.

You are included in my daily practice and I'm sure, the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are enjoying to help you, as soon as you think of one of them.

Take care. Best wishes from
Ayu

Hello Troy,

When we start practicing Dharma, we observe 5 precepts.
It is very common for us to to slip up and break a precept, do not compound this by creating animosity.
Be honest with yourself, and admit at this moment I slipped up.
Then practice loving kindness, forgive yourself, love yourself.
Then start again.

Honesty and admitting you need some help are big steps.
With this attitude you will find many who will help and support you on this journey.

Much metta

Thank you.

I am afraid that this goes far beyond making a slip up. I have made slip ups before, this is fully returning to a pattern of destruction that nearly cost me my life. I was clean for nearly ten years. During that time I certaintly made a few slip-ups, but now I and back to being a full-on addict. I know that I can make it through this, and this is really just the beginning. Last night I had a meltdown/reality check of sorts. Thank you all. Now I've got to go face a very, very rough day at work. It would be so easy to just use again and make it bearable for a little while. This is what I am facing, and this is why I am asking for your prayers. I aspire to accept the pain and discomfort of the withdrawals; I never want to use again. I can't describe how horrible it feels. That's the hardest part about heroin withdrawals, you feel so bad, and the whole time you know you can make it all go away just like that. And then the cycle continues...

Please pray that I can find the strength to accept this suffering, may I not give in and reach for the poison.

Thanks all, I am sorry again to dump this on you, I realize it may not be appropriate for this forum. When I started this thread I was not in a very good spot and felt the need to reach out. Sorry if I am being self-indulgant.

Off to work.

Troy

Be strong Troy, and be kind to yourself.

lowlydog wrote:Be strong Troy, and be kind to yourself.

It's not so much a matter of being strong but of admiting to be weak.
I learnd to say "This adiction is strong - I better capitulate in trying to handle or manage it in any way."

Better to see this clearly. Then the next step, to accept help, is possible.

Good luck, Troy.

The buddha taught Adhitthana(strong determination), and I agree Ayu this alone is not enough it must be accompanied with surrender.

Please do not judge, as i believe this will only cause suffering upon yourself just consider and understand what uve done, this is sorta similar to how i started my buddhist journey. I was suffering from being unable to access immaterial things and I questioned why this was important and i realize it was useless suffering over these things and they arent even necessary. I would advise you ask people who care about you to help you in preventing your own suffering, im sure it would make them happy to help you.

CrawfordHollow - Everyone is addicted to something, even if only to the air which we breathe. Balance means to choose your addictions wisely. It seems you've set your foot on that path. May you have the strength to overcome.

oṃ bhaiṣajye bhaiṣajye mahābhaiṣajye bhaiṣajyarāje samudgate svāhā

Never give up, Troy. Thanks for sharing and reaching out to us - I believe many here will be sharing the merits of our prayers with you. Don't forget that the Mind is king, and with sufficient determination and resolution, you can master this.

Thank you all for your compassionate replies.
When I first posted I was in pretty bad shape. I was high for one, riddled with guilt and shame, and felt totally helpless. I am a little embarrassed by it all, it seems that out of my frustration I was just looking for sympathy. Considering that I just got off a pretty heavy heroin bender I actually feel pretty good about things now. The withdrawals have been unpleasant but bearable, and I feel very empowered. I know that I hold the key to controlling this problem: awareness. It is going to take some work, and it I know that it will not be easy, but I feel confident that I can make it through this; and best of all, I'm still alive! What more could I ask for? Thanks again everybody. I honestly can't remember when the last time I slept, its been a while- so I am going to sign off now before I start getting too delerious!

Thanks again all,
Troy

bravo.

It is interesting that you can distance yourself from your behaviour. You are not your karma, illnesses, body and other aggregates and obstacles. All of us are drawn to the better, the Buddha within. That is the inspiration.

Am happy to do Guru Rinpoche practice for you. I am hoping he will kick you up the ass (in a kind and compassionate way)

Yes, there is one big help: to loosen the self-identification. Do some steps behind and look at the scene from a distance.
What is "I"...?
Have a good sleep, Troy. Recover.
And maybe contemplate about "What treats me good? What is really beneficial? What is just a fake in being beneficial? What is my friend? What is just telling it's a friend?" (Sorry, my English is bad...)



OM NAMOH BAGHAVATE BEKANDZE GURUR BENDURJA,
RADSAJA THATAGATAJA, ARHATE SAMJAK SAMBUDDHAJA -
TEJATA - OM BEKANDZE BEKANDZE MAHA BEKANDZE BEKANDZE RADSA SAMOGHATE SOHA

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May all the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas guide you and empower you with strong determination and healing. May you resolve to completely not partake of drugs, substances that completely obscure your mind, damage your body and lifeforce and damage your subtle body.

OM TARE TUTARE TURE SOHA
OM MANI PEDME HUNG
OM AH HUNG VAJRA GURU PEMA SIDDHI HUNG
THADYATA OM BEYKANZE BEYKANZE MAHABEYKANZE BEYKANZE RAJA SAMUGATE SOHA

my prayers are with you