Unfortunate accident

[Qing Tian]

I am hesitant to raise this matter and the attendant request, but have few other options available.

This morning (Sunday 17th) I was informed that my younger sister was crushed against wall by a motor vehicle. She suffered fracture to her femur (thigh) on one leg, and both lower leg bones in the other. In hospital it was determined that she needed immediate surgery to repair and pin the femur. Either during surgery or as a result of the accident, she acquired an embolism in her lung. This embolism, although mostly dispersed by whatever drugs the surgeons use, has significantly damaged her heart, and now her kidneys have decreased function.

The consulting doctor has told our mother to prepare for the worst and that my sister may not survive the weekend. She currently in induced sleep, on a ventilator and being fed by tube. If she does recover she has a long road of rehabilitation ahead, and it is possible that she may have impaired brain function and that the heart damage will further impact on her future.

To compound the situation the driver of the vehicle was our elderly mother.

I have two other siblings near to the family home, but I am half a world away and not able to get home any time soon. I am also living in my host country alone, without support from friends, family or any form of sangha.

At this difficult time I would like to ask of those who regularly practice if they may say an extra mantra on behalf of my sister and mother.

My thanks to you all.

[Dan74]

This is such a tragic accident and my heart goes out to you, Qing Tian.

If there is something I can do to help, don't hesitate to PM me.

_/|\_

[kirtu]

OM MANI PEDME HUNG
OM AH RA PA TSA NA DHI
THADYATA OM BEYKANZE BEYKANZE MAHABEYKANZE RAJA SAMUGATE SOHA

[Johnny Dangerous]

I'm sorry QT, most definitely will include you and your family in my practice, be well man.

[Caodemarte]

So sorry. Be well.

[tingdzin]

Very sorry; I will say some prayers now and this evening.

[newbie]

I'll pray to White Tara to intervene for both.
: anjali:

[jundo cohen]

Sitting Zazen and offering Metta for your family.

Gassho, Jundo Cohen

[Berry]

I'm so sorry, Qing Tian.

Will be dedicating today's practice to you & your family.

.

[Qing Tian]

It is 6:30 am Monday here. I have just received a call telling me that my sister has been revived from induced sleep and that the ventilator will be removed soon. At this time she does not seem to recognise anyone. The doctor says this is quite common in such circumstances and is cautiously optimistic. The longer term damage to heart and kidneys remains a serious concern.


Having no others to talk to over the weekend was difficult to me - but as nothing compared to fight that my sister is engaged in. I thank you all for your kind words and prayers.

Palm to palm, and with my deepest appreciation.

Qing Tian

[Boomerang]

Om mani padme hum

[Knotty Veneer]

You and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I pray your sister recovers.

Knotty

[newbie]

Praying to White Tara for full recovery of both.

[steveb1]

My heart goes out to you and yours. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and commend you to Amida Buddha's inconceivable grace.

[Qing Tian]

Thank you for the prayers. It is much appreciated.


So, an update. There is good news and bad news, in a sense. My sister has recovered well from the surgical complications - still under observation of course. She has boundless optimism, unrealistic optimism really, that she will be weight bearing on 2 broken legs within the next couple of weeks. This is despite the consultant informing her that a broken femur is likely to take 3 months before being able to support full weight. My sister weighs 320lbs, which naturally doesn't help with the situation.

She is bored in hospital and hates it. The thought of going to a rehab unti for a few months upsets her a great deal, and she is belligerent and rude to the nurses and doctors who have done nothing but care for her. I am quite disappointed by that alone, even under the circumstances, though I have kept that opinion to myself.

My mother is 81 this year. In a move of spectacular manipulation my sister tricked the nurses to ask mother in front of her if it she was happy to have her go home to convalesce. Of course mother was put on the spot. How could she say no? She is alreay feeling guilt because the accident occurred by her own hand. She cannot really cope with looking after a bed-ridden daughter for a few months. Although I sympathise with my sister and her dislike of being confined to a hospital bed, I believe she is displaying tremendous selfishness in pushing to become aburden to our elderly mother. I am also disappointed in the health care professionals who have put my mother in a no-win situation that has led to this emotional blackmail.

My sister's positivity about her recovery is encouraging but the stubborness that underlies some of it is very negative. She believes that mother cannot function without her being there. This is ridiculous. Mother, though old, has proven to more than capable of handling anything life has yet to throw at her. I feel that my sister is projecting her own insecurity. She is the only one that thinks mother cannot cope, to the point where she almost has mother convinced.

This is a really difficult situation now, and I am at a loss what if anything I can do. Right now I am considering sacrificing my connection with the family in order to bring emotional pressure to bear on my sister in the hope that I can shame her into behaving differently, though I haven't said anything as yet.

If there is another way then could someone please tell me?

[newbie]

From this point onward, you can step in to have the family you need to have. In your terms, on your conditions.
It is true, your sister needs to be weaned from your mom and accomplish rehab as part of the recovery.
And your mom needs to enjoy her age, doing the things that please her.
You and them have support of the community and the traditional cultural values beside.
There are community resources and why not use them?
In fact the medical team should be doing teaching all day long now. Kidding.
If your sister wants to get better, she needs to listen/follow professional advice regarding diet, physical therapy, body image, everything.
Don't be afraid to address problems as they arise and to express your opinion.
You are the proxy after all.

newbie

[Ayu]

[I removed Qing Tian's double posts.]

Wow, Qing Tian, exactly yesterday I thought, I would like to know how they are now. So, now it sounds much better than before. Now the life-threatening circumstances turned to more usual suffering in Samsara. Isn't it?

...This is a really difficult situation now, and I am at a loss what if anything I can do. Right now I am considering sacrificing my connection with the family in order to bring emotional pressure to bear on my sister in the hope that I can shame her into behaving differently, though I haven't said anything as yet.

If there is another way then could someone please tell me?

All I know is, we cannot change people according to our own will. They are how they are, and all their selfmade hindrances and dellusions are part of their entity to a certain extend. All we can do is trying to help, but it is not possible to make them different or to carry them all the way. This is how I experience these kinds of family clashes.

...
Don't be afraid to address problems as they arise and to express your opinion.
...

This advice I like and I agree. You can express your concern. Maybe it is helpful, or maybe they won't listen.
I still dedicate my sadhanas to them.