thank you all for thoughtful replies.
sometimes I feel zazen to be "deconstructive" in literally removing/ dissolving the constructs I've built and accumulated, standing in the way of realizing my (our) capacity for fuller experience and
study to be in the manner of beginning that construction anew. cross purposes?
or should study be similarly deconstructive in disassembling opinions and attitudes? "nothing needs adding or subtracting", but often from my
"feeling my way through" point of view, it seems like a whole lotta subtracting needs to be done to see clearly.
I struggle with that too. I reach a conclusion, then read something or think of something that doesn't line up with it, or even contradicts it. I feel like "what do I do, how can I change what I think or feel by just an effort of will?"
So I deeply empathize with you, and have difficulty just as you do. All progress I have made, which is not yet perfect, but it has been progress, has come from looking within myself and making efforts to uncover the wisdom that the teachings say is inherent within.
I don't subtract or add, I just look at it from a standpoint of belief that the teachings are true, and if I don't believe or understand them, I still have work to do.