Ok, so basically I have just started flirting with buddhism, literally the first touch. I have had some major breakthroughs in terms of my emotional control but there is certain aspect of my life where I feel consistently distressed about and I do not know what I am supposed to do. Usually they involve my father or mother.
Basically let's just talk about the most recent (about 2 minutes ago since I created this account) I was talking to my father about his lack of respect for me when I ask him for money. Essentially a small problem but something I feel is making me compromise my integrity. All throughout my life, whenever I've asked for money, I've had to beg him, use tactics like stropping about, making threats, blackmailing and holding something he holds dear as a bargaining chip (my father and mother are computer illiterate so I have to do basically everything for them on computer related tasks. By saying I won't help them with this recent task on the computer they will relent) so that I can get money. Also another tactic I employ is asking for money greater than the amount needed because he will always without fail say he doesn't have money equal to what I ask off him.
Anyway I am trying to change my behaviour, at the time I felt entitled to the money I got off him due to the fact my friends parents would give adequate sum of money to them weekly and I never even asked for that much. I would just ask for sums equal to the amount I needed, rarely would I ask for excess. But the problem is that my father would only in very rare occasion give the amount specified. Now I was posed with a dilemma, if I asked for £10 and receive £2 every time which is very unhelpful as say if I had to go the cinema I couldn't go, but if I didn't go he would ask for his money back. I started to ask for amounts greater than what I needed it for, I fabricated school trips, friend's birthdays (he was very keen on displaying generosity, I remember one time seeing him hand over more money to his friends son for his birthday than I had gotten in 5 years), school fees, just a host of lies so I could swindle from him. After a while it made me feel bad because it was all a sham, but I also felt angry why he wouldn't just give me the amount specified. So over the years I started to mix in lies and truths, using both tactics to gain the money I needed. Always I was disappointed by the fact I either had to debase myself or lie (which is debasing yourself as well I guess) to gain something from my father. A mix of anger at myself and him started to take root, I felt like I shouldn't have to lie or argue with my father whenever I asked him for help.
Anyway present day, I am 18 now so I can afford to pay for myself, he asked for my help with something on the computer. As I was helping him he made some comment about the fact one day I will pay for a new computer as his is old (I have my own computer and he wanted mine maybe and his is about 5-6 years old) because he bought it for me when I didn't have my own. This aggravated me as the computer before had been 5 years old and I had pleaded my father for 3 years to buy new one as the screen on the old one was very bad, everything was slow and we used it until it broke. I admitted I had used it but also made the point the computer wasn't wholy for me, everyone in the family used it and it was bad for years and I had to beg before he would buy a new one, so I suggested he should do the same. This annoyed him and he pointed out all the times he spent huge amounts of money on me, I reminded him they were infrequent and that while he had never taken me on holiday (2 day cruise for £70 landing on a place in spain for 2-3 hours when all the shops were closed doesn't count) but he had gone to Japan, China, Sweden and recently planning on going to America.
This sparked something in me because I realised he had always done this throughout my life, rather than mutual respect and honesty he would force me to beg or lie for things off him. Rarely would he ever selflessly give me anything in my life. This is slightly selfish view because even with my upbringing, my older siblings had a worse trade off. But my father portrayed himself as the selfless martyr and I didn't know how to handle it, for years I had treated both my parents with contempt, only recently I am trying to find a way to make warped views to correct it self (I have 2 standards of morality, I am cruel to my parents, I try to be kind and honest with others, I thought that was fine because it was what my parents deserved, but I realised I had just fractured myself into 2 parts and it couldn't be maintained). So anyway I asked my dad why he would always give me less money than I'd ask for and told him how I had seen through it years ago and that it had forced me to sacrifice my values (admittedly, I have recently realised it was my conscious decision that my values were less than the money I received, I am trying to correct this view now that I have seen). He excused himself with the fact he said that he didn't have the money, I called BS on that due to the fact he would normally have less money than I would ask for, most times I asked with a convincing lie or if I argued enough. He said then something that really pissed me off, that I could do it with less money. This made me angry due to the fact I wouldn't even interact with the guy unless it was for money most of my life and I was always specific about how much I needed (unless I lied). So basically he didn't trust or respect me when I asked him for money. I tried to convey this feeling to repair the damages we've had. The guy laughed. That made me lose my cool, I left without helping him on his computer issue (I think he needed the sat nav for his drive tomorrow). He showed some emotion then, he got angry and said I should help him, I asked him why when he doesn't respect me enough to listen to me and I seem to have no obligation to help. So now I am in my dilemma, should I help him and feel like I am being used by a person who doesn't even respect me enough to listen to me unless I threaten his own comfort? Or should I just hold my self back and wait for him to learn to respect me? Acceptance or change?
I have learned over the years they haven't changed. This is the least of most of the problems I have had, but it's the little things which I fight hardest for and I don't know how to give it up or even that I should.