Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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tomschwarz
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Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by tomschwarz »

hello dear brothers and sisters,

there are those who feel they must be gentle. and there are those who feel other expressions have a higher priority. the admin on this forum wrote in the forum rules that we must:
use a tone of voice that is pleasing, kind, and gentle
the dear monk, prince and buddha sidhartha gautama spoke about this in the instructions on right speech, which paint a picture of almost exclusively saying things which are pleasing to others, which is a groundwork for gentleness, and very rarely getting into the territory of telling someone what you think they need to hear, which they do not want to hear.

so my question for you, is this perfection of gentleness part of your practice? how do you personally develop it? do you have any experiences of successes or failures?

speaking for myself, i am like a glass prism. sometimes i am clear, sometimes i am not. and i walk through life, daily, like that. and when i am unclear, i can stumble forwards in fear or with strong desire to climb something, and it is when i am unclear but trying to see, or just seeing and trying to communicate that my gentleness practice is in part or completely side-stepped, and i can still have some positive effect, to some degree, but then, my behavior can, and often does, become a cause of suffering in myself and others, that is quite clear.
i dedicate this post to your happiness, the causes of your happiness, the absence of your suffering the causes of the absence of your suffering that we may not have too much attachment nor aversion. SAMAYAMANUPALAYA
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by Kim O'Hara »

It's always a balancing act but I have found that following the guidelines for Right Speech generally makes me, and those I deal with, happier.

:namaste:
Kim
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maybay
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by maybay »

The most important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we just need to let off a bit of steam now and then, and then we should anticipate that of others. If we act spontaneously without self-consciousness, this is a sign to others that says: no matter what you do I will not be offended or put off. Sometimes people are not authentic with their feelings because they are afraid of being coarse and boorish. They shut themselves away when they see how their words and actions are received. But then this is not being gentle with yourself. Gentleness is always watchful, always open to possibility. Gentleness is actually very bold because it recognises the vulnerability in every moment, which is also its potential. Gentleness will come. There is no forcing it, of course.
People will know nothing and everything
Remember nothing and everything
Think nothing and everything
Do nothing and everything
- Machig Labdron
narhwal90
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by narhwal90 »

I find when I am not acting in a gentle and respectful way then I am prone to fear, resentment and anger. If I allow myself to dwell in any of latter then pretty soon I'm full of it, so the goal is the former. The Precepts address this question.
muni
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by muni »

Personally, I as a person am partial. Such gentliness/kindness is very limited. Gentliness/kindness can be used as tool to open the very heart, to go beyond me as a person/independent self into limitless Goodness. If I am gentle to few and not to others, then a loving kindness meditation can help and wish each and everyone what I wrote in my signature. As an independent person there is no harmony but desire, grasping, clinging, dividing... Such gentliness is by own projected selfishness.

_/\_
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by muni »

maybay wrote:The most important thing is to be gentle with yourself.
That’s’ right. If we cannot be gentle with ourselves, we cannot be so with all others. Since there is no contentment, no harmony, no relaxation possible. By harmonious contentment there is “gentleness” available. _/\_
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PuerAzaelis
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by PuerAzaelis »

maybay wrote:There is no forcing it, of course.
:twothumbsup:

It's harder than you think to eat your vegetables, help old ladies across the street and keep your hands to yourself.
Generally, enjoyment of speech is the gateway to poor [results]. So it becomes the foundation for generating all negative emotional states. Jampel Pawo, The Certainty of the Diamond Mind

For posts from this user, see Karma Dondrup Tashi account.
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tomschwarz
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by tomschwarz »

muni wrote:Personally, I as a person am partial. Such gentliness/kindness is very limited.
True that muni. Several masters of Buddhism, on introducing tonglen practice, have suggested these steps:
1 focus on someone you love so much, like your mother. ))))))))) Ok, if that does not work for you, try focusing on a great teacher .

2 take that love, the feeling and the projection (of an object of your feeling), and transfer it to someone who is an enemy. Maybe start with someone you think is negative. But better yet, focus on some one who is out to do you harm. So now, in your mind, you love them truly, wholeheartedly.

3 then again replace the imagined object of love with a neutral person.
i dedicate this post to your happiness, the causes of your happiness, the absence of your suffering the causes of the absence of your suffering that we may not have too much attachment nor aversion. SAMAYAMANUPALAYA
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by Kim O'Hara »

tomschwarz wrote:
muni wrote:Personally, I as a person am partial. Such gentliness/kindness is very limited.
True that muni. Several masters of Buddhism, on introducing tonglen practice, have suggested these steps:
1 focus on someone you love so much, like your mother. ))))))))) Ok, if that does not work for you, try focusing on a great teacher .

2 take that love, the feeling and the projection (of an object of your feeling), and transfer it to someone who is an enemy. Maybe start with someone you think is negative. But better yet, focus on some one who is out to do you harm. So now, in your mind, you love them truly, wholeheartedly.

3 then again replace the imagined object of love with a neutral person.
A sequence like that is used in metta meditation. The first person you choose to focus on, and reflect on your love for, should be someone your love (not in a romantic/sexual way of course). The second person should be someone you have neutral feelings for, and you extend the same love to them that you extended to the first person. The third person is someone you feel aversion towards, and you try to reduce that aversion at least to a neutral feeling by extending the same love to them.
In that order, each step prepares you for the next, which is a little harder. And you can replace 'a person' with several individuals, making the gradations as small as you like, depending on the time available.

:meditate:
Kim
muni
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by muni »

Thank you. :anjali: I think so a person/individual living in its' outer world is not able to love one who harms in equal way as he/she loves a mother or teacher or master. Is not able to see the variety of all in equanimity.
But the exercise is so helpful, is curing the even unknown suffering by that strong habitual grasping or clinging to the self. This self is dividing based on what serves it the best, and what harms it and what does nothing for it. The exercise is helping to release the duality of self-others which is the basis of dividing action speech and mind and the basis of all suffering and harm. Those who points our delusion like dividing gentleness are Chenrezigs' actions.
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tomschwarz
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Re: Do you, personally, need to be gentle?

Post by tomschwarz »

muni wrote:This self is dividing based on what serves it the best, and what harms it and what does nothing for it.
Great point muni. This is how it is.

So does anyone have experience with another self?
i dedicate this post to your happiness, the causes of your happiness, the absence of your suffering the causes of the absence of your suffering that we may not have too much attachment nor aversion. SAMAYAMANUPALAYA
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