the Ogre's reflection.

[Ogyen]

change


I’ve been keeping scraps of paper

mental notes of lifelong dialogues

working out the daily knots

lodged around a stone in my chest

creases of heartbreak punctuate and line

your first fighting screaming wailing cry

out the birth canal of change

even if it’s all in your head

loss kills you one breath at a time

always wanting what slipped you by

you didn’t even realize

that you buried the living

as if prematurely missing them

before they’ve even left

fear of the end

burns into memory’s core

a feeling of unease, wanting something else

need something I don’t have

escape every moment’s edge

you try to avoid whatever threatens

and you crave comfort’s embrace

all the while you fill the present

with echoes of what’s been

till change strips off your last defense

slipping past the barriers

you tried to fortify your whole life

so you’ve glimpsed the possibilities

because the easy parts are never what they seemed

you saw a shining insight

like a coin you snatched up greedily

the hope blooming and soaring on wings

held on by glue

you got too close to the sun

and the part of you that crashed died

but “you” stayed

everything was the same

I came away with a burn

peeling off the scabs of my misconceptions

wounds of ignorance

one breath at a time

my skin glistens like icarus with a tan

raw new soft that always lay beneath

the half-knowledge impostor

who for years dressed in insight’s clothes

obscured what is regardless

and I look at my small hands

now older, stronger they are laced

with the grace of having fearlessly

touched the edges of change

[Ogyen]

i always notice hands

like i might read where they’ve been

today was a supplicating day

in the candy packaged suffering

of a nearly picture perfect life

after all the strain of letting go

and from all the strife I distilled

a drop of pure joy

i bounced along happy and light

the radiation burned away my sight

and I’m sickened poisoned

stepped into the radius of

a hot blast of negative

a lover’s nuclear fallout

by his dung flung out sprayed like

a semi-automatic gun to a gust of fun

even though it was aimed at no one

the thing is that the challenge remains

despite the insight

[Ogyen]

a strong sense of purpose
vague and full of words
I’ve drifted aimless
through a waking dream
I don't believe I'm really here


building castles with someone else's hands
I woke up somewhere in the middle
to realize I wasn’t any hero
just another piece
born of the grand puzzle
misplaced from perfection
put on the board to find a fit
was it my calling to be consumed
only to find it was you
who held my ashes inside your shell

It wasn’t my place to brace against
The judging eyes of my conscience
That tapped its will like a trial sentence
Guilty as charged
for not loving

my ambitions stripped naked
by the grind of my expectation
a tolling bell called out the end

It isn't my place to be who I thought I’d be
i walk the lines of heart’s presumption
That what I feel is what is real
when I held my disgrace
like a medal of honor

Born without a home
and a name so vague
I could barely remember
the way

will anyone speak in remembrance of me
if they do will it be fair
time will edit the contents
of my closing book
look back on what’s past

who will speak for me
and recount the breaths of my life
and weigh the net of my deeds

[Individual]

Very nice.

[nirmal]

Hi,
Third poem.Can't positively put my finger on it.Out last station? Yes?
Simply superb if my guess is right.A poet you are.

nirmal

[Ogyen]

thus it was said
with a heavy heart
my virtue declined by my pride
i know it now
the fires of love and hate must burn out
the push and pull of two must exhaust its course
pinched against the bars of my view
held captive by an unfriendly warden
and still knowing that returning fire with kindness
is like making the warmest hearth
in the harshest winter
only the shaman can take the darkest tears
and turn what he touches into light
with rough hands and red spun wool
the gentle clatter of beads
between butter lamp lit primal chants
your dorje to my bell the whole of none
cloaked in white robes
of the mountains blanket snow
where the heart’s deepest wealth
hold the jewels of truths
sacred waters
blood red coral and turquoise veins
nestled in the valley of a mind
I squeezed tight in a bind
the suffering of this great divide
between inbreath and outbreath
forces distilled clear insight
where the knots still hold
you were the glorious sun that was my light
a mistake I made out of weakness
to crave you as much as I love you
a drop of desire has bled in so deep
it made a bed of my bones
I could have paid for lifetimes
and to find you only to see
I’ve drifted away in the stream
and this ache of perpetual need is hell
I want to wake from this dream
but the Himalayas haven’t left me
the trails are a map to the stupa
where I froze the tears of my mothers
the quiet strength of my human heart
that remains fluid against
the nakedness of heat
consuming flames of compassion
openness
eradicating the excess complexity
so the truth pure and fluid
can pour into any cup
fill you to the brim in my heart i bring you in
in the tiny corner of my hearth with bread and beer
but the sands distant lands
have slipped through my fingers
of different hands so many times
I own nothing except my will
i lost my home and my name
so i’m leaving now
ghaley shu
this is my parting sorrow
because who knows where I’ll be
I’ve wandered far to find
eyes like yours they speak to me
and show me there again
I see the end in the start
the joy is sweeter than before
the farewell that breaks my heart
is the key to my prison cell
that i could for once say goodbye and stay
to not suffer change
only to get lost in the world
start all over again
crossing the vast unknown
diving into the ocean’s wisdom
on my little boat i’m leaving
ghaley shu
as i say hello i know we must part
this wonderful beginning
is the end in disguise
the freedom and liberty
is in the path of embracing joy
without holding onto the road

[Ogyen]

ॐ

I knew in that moment

confession breaking

dawn opens

the sky cracks

and pours love inside

as truth rises tenuous

as tenderness

beneath the words

of your passions

that pierce the core

of my innermost song

exposing the chords

of longing for the embrace

never taken always given

sit with this fire

boiling inside

desire transmuting

into light

ॐ

[Ogyen]

calidelphia girl

my worries I fret

are pimples on the skin

of my existence

when I’m staring right at the

burning, swollen bunched up puss

it’s like I see nothing else

I’m obsessed because

I’ve become an unwelcome guest

in the halls of my mind

half a ghost

yet half alive

I sit frozen

in between what I feel

and the agony

of not having

control

over what happens

this very next second

if there was anything

I could possibly do

it would have to be

say yes to the flustered moment

the spasm of frantic

helplessness

in the face of death

and by my own design

my ills penetrate

beneath my skin

creating those red angry flares

the colors of my imputations

that hurt no other

before I

and rob my divinity

of shining light

so the blood of christ

only stays a ritual

and bowing to the lotus

is flowery words

unfelt, unspelled

in the magic of emptiness

I’ve glimpsed a taste

of freedom

in this shell

when I peeked out the

aperture

the crack that runs through

my sight

the sense that this is real

but not really here

and the key

is the shape of your desire

and the map through

the heart of your

most broken matter

is what inspired me to give what I most desire

transformed sight

from that corner in my mind

where I finally turned

around and smiled

the trembling fear

that undisguised

resembled most a child

calidelphia

a space that has a song

she can’t yet sing

but the music plays along

all the while

I can help you find the sounds

of the song I remembered

it’s probably the same tune

so it will be funny

when we can laugh at this

and sing along

to the oldest chant

of love and wisdom

om mani peme hung

[Ogyen]

it’s not that I don’t love you

it’s that I’ve loved before you

and lost so

I know on my own skin

how thin this moment is

and to skate across it

ignorant of bliss

building sandcastles

too close to the sea

the bliss beneath

what is and what seems

is the grind that drives

and crushed what you don’t need

and poetry is the grief

in between

that always has me

seeking speculating

what sleeps at the center


form is convention

the mind decides

I’ve seen through the heart

of the broken matter

the principle is gone

yet in the stillness

there is a tiny gem

of blood and breath

so precious

every headache

is a labor contraction

suffering is my midwife

this child wanted

this process dreaded

is here where I grieve you the deepest

spirit denies the lies of flesh

this wondrous taste

is not yours to keep

the desire to breathe

is the struggle to be

the same hand that feeds

beats the living

daylights outta you

while you hold the key

a two-sided freedom

the pearl in the pearl

is not the grit of dirt

the worth is in

the glow of the sum

of the whole

wet layers of aches

tears in a shell

the lustre of pain

shining through the sun

of the pearl's wisdom

the pain in your fear

is not the enemy

drive all blames

into none

is one

for some

it’s too deep

they can't breathe

so we hide inside

consistent distraction

even as I write

it is form that masters

connecting the dots

of open space

you are already the blend

of perfect and wrong

that will launch you forth

through the core

you’ll feel barbecued in woes

love is not the easy road

embracing without hate

means to accept death

on the blades hidden within

the fold of an embrace

is the end of self

opens wide untold wings

alight with joy

broken desires are the bones

of insight

angels transformed

pure humanity

on the lens of being

the lamp that dispels darkness

love conquers anger

in the same way

I commit to the secret

jewel in the shell

at the center of happiness

is a shared breath

simplicity is mastery

the rest is a test

to accept the nakedness

and hang by a thread

inevitability is sudden

a gasp that meets

everything between

the inception and the end

with my little eye

I spy through

a crack in the lens

[Ogyen]

chapter 9


death hurts less

when it transcends

ends and fears

and what’s left is clear

but you have to be there

to suddenly be able to touch life

and affect it deeply

happiness is breathing easy

life seeks light and desire brings into being

the nature of mind and all the neuroses

that follow and obscure what’s there

I’m only here to have a good time

she says through her tears to me

Big or small grim’s grim

the stakes are all the same

to know what it’s like

to be broken and free

and be washed clean

of all the filth that filled me

with stories about worth

and what you meant

and all the reasons

why this or that can’t be

I watch myself

Spin in your wheels

Turning round and round

I love you I want you

I prefer this, I don’t want that

Oh, This would only be better

if only there could be

More

like the American dream

made Nixon a saint

with the likes of Mitt and Christie

pogroms for citizens

you think Chaney was frightening

just wait it’s coming

and for what

it’s always some goddamn thing

does the cycle ever end?

entrapment starts with wanting

chewing up the reel

You feel me-

And I have to make myself soft

to refrain from being hard

Because when I look at her

trembling face like a junkie

wanting and needing

I see my greed and suddenly

we seem so ridiculous

what I love is in my blood

and through intellect’s lens

I shield myself pathetically

Because I can’t face the fool

In me that looks back

From your awkwardness

when I see your vulnerability

like I was played and robbed from

and am afraid to turn the cheek

please, who’s the victim in this

but the one who hooks by the lip

the fish bit and the reaction wins

No, I don’t need to explain myself

To you or anyone else

All I have to do is live through

each breath and each death

with all the funny rules

like sociocentric politics

Personal and otherwise

It’s easy to idealize

what is not right

Before your eyes

But dakini, i

cannot out-of-sight

out-of-mind this one

I offer up my time

what’s left of it

to change myself

for your smile

for your joy

exchange oneself for other

what burns also teaches

i could learn from you

till the day I die

and the morning you died

in my mind

it took the light out

of my life

how do you live on

with your heart torn

into a broken mess

after you failed every test

like your love had a stroke

and years of mistakes

erased and replaced the

fallen tears with self-protecting fears

and the thrown dishes

that should have been communicated

conversations instead of frustrations

shattered into a million pieces

like a child’s dream you

wished you could have seen

grown up instead it wasn’t like your dreams

the scenes of what gives and what takes

you rot steeped in ignorant feeling

like in a deep sleep you prematurely

perish so I ask you a simple question

what scope is the measure

that splits chaff from treasure

what you find is what you discover

who is this who thinks with your mind

the truth is an arrow that’s lost

in the disinformation propagated

I’m probably on some list somewhere

with people who get taken in the night

but till I’m dead I’ll beat out this fight

one kindness at a time

there is no enemy but oneself

and the world we see not as it is

but as we fear it

and I’ve held myself when I could not help

the least I can do

is do no harm

tomorrow I will be the one

who runs with tigers

[Ogyen]

Δάφνη

stirred by the breezy whispers

of a question blown on the wind

why did you run

the breath gently parting

the leaves of her once hair

where once life coursed

with a virgin lust through

veins and flesh and cupid

shot his arrows

love through his heart

he, the god of sun

bristled down bare and bucking

his lust unbridled

he sought to hold and pin

a namesake that flows

through this being

she cried out no

in fear and fled

leaving behind

her huntress bow

she saw red

thanatos in her blood

he reached demanding of

her essence as if he knew

what it was like

to not be free

as he grasps her hair

she spasms ruthlessly

he discovers to name

his love took her innocence

he witnessed her change

from life to living death of

grounding

she escaped

elusive and mysterious

unable to express

tried to capture

her ineffable sublime

but wild like the shine

that glistens in your eyes

the question rings harsh

and unexpected

why did you run?

she mourns tenderly

the loss to ignorance

she died untouched

yet transformed to

give birth and life

weeping her roots

into life’s stream

shedding her virginity

in suffering’s excision

of her femininity

a circumcision of her

very ability

to ever feel the pleasure

of touch again

none could claim

the legacy dedicated

to her life committed

she became firmly planted

and stuck is not

the same as choiceless

her bark is her armor

made of passing memory

she knows this life’s a dream

her expectations and resentments

were real yet imaginary

strength is not in the keepers’ keys

her misty notions vanishing

as time’s clock put a lock on

the recognitions in her sight

she transformed tragedy’s

change is letting go and

finding it wasn’t so bad

why did it feel so threatening

so much worse from the

sleeping side of life?

had I known this love of adventure

for awakening and thriving on healing

I want you to open you spontaneously

the delicate folds of your dreaming

I will love you till you

yield to me and then beyond

it is my nature to fluidly

surrender to your most tender

without asking

without parting

without anything more

than this promise

I will never give up

with you in me

my love always

venus cups her womb for you

life springs from death

you are my beautiful phoenix

crossing the seventh house

your chariot under my feet

you are the fertile soil

for my emotions

your wealth nourishes me

rich with all your imperfect

the immediacy of desire

has a way of putting me

in touch with what matters

together means never far

no matter how it resolves

juicy compressions

nothing is missing

hungry or satisfied states

are complete

yet resolution of alchemy

comes through the marrying

of binding principles releasing

the essence like the flower opens

and you give me these daily

vitamins of sustenance

like minerals are expressions

of the earth’s longing

like Daphne’s run from life

and in death finding

the source of all mind