hey everyone

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doublerepukken
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:42 am

hey everyone

Postby doublerepukken » Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:02 am

hello everyone,

my name is ethan, i'm a recent graduate from the university of delaware (english/east asian philosophy). i've studied buddhism on and off since i was about 12 years old, and have been part of a couple internet sanghas. several years ago, i completely stopped my practice (i honestly don't know why) and became something like a hedonist. i don't want to get too into the details but eventually, i got to a point where i hated my life so much that the only thing i looked forward to was indulging myself in food, drink, or sex etc. this culminated in me sexually assaulting someone while completely blackout drunk (i had drank an entire handle of rum and about a 6 pack, i had thrown up a couple times) that was a good friend whom i had just started a relationship with. after what i had done and her explaining how much i had hurt her, i contemplated suicide and would have gone through with it if not for knowing how much it would hurt my mother. to this day i am haunted by what i've done; it creeps into my thoughts at night like a spectre. eventually, i realized i needed the dharma back in my life and i started following the precepts again; me and her have worked it out, but nothing seems to erase the guilt that i hold in my heart and mind. i am here to heal and to grow, and change my way of life. i cannot do it alone and so since i live in an isolated area, i wish to join you all.

thank you,

ethan :heart: :buddha1:

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Admin_PC
Site Admin
Posts: 3747
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:17 pm
Location: Texas, USA

Re: hey everyone

Postby Admin_PC » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:36 pm

Welcome to DharmaWheel.
Thanks for the brutally honest sharing, I hope at least something good can come out of such a horrific event.
:anjali:
月影の いたらぬ里は なけれども 眺むる人の 心にぞすむ
法然上人

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doublerepukken
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:42 am

Re: hey everyone

Postby doublerepukken » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:52 pm

Admin_PC wrote:Welcome to DharmaWheel.
Thanks for the brutally honest sharing, I hope at least something good can come out of such a horrific event.
:anjali:


thank you, sorry if that came off a little too strong. when i wrote this last night I was in a bad place. i'm feeling better now though thankfully :twothumbsup: but I truly am desperate for help. What I did still weighs on my mind extremely heavily. She has forgiven me, and I think I have taken a lot of positive steps in the past months to correcting my behavior and just overall living a healthier way of life. now i'm starting to get back into regular meditating and nembutsu.

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Ayu
Global Moderator
Posts: 6568
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:25 am
Location: Europe

Re: hey everyone

Postby Ayu » Tue Jul 25, 2017 1:06 pm

Welcome belated. :namaste:
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

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CedarTree
Posts: 372
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:13 pm

Re: hey everyone

Postby CedarTree » Tue Jul 25, 2017 3:51 pm

Hey Ethan, Welcome to Dharma Wheel :)
Don't hold out on practice!

Gyobutsuji Zen Monastery in America

Ajahn Chah Associated Monasteries

Practice, Practice, Practice

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David N. Snyder
Site Admin
Posts: 2816
Joined: Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:23 pm
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
Contact:

Re: hey everyone

Postby David N. Snyder » Wed Jul 26, 2017 4:51 am

Welcome to DW!

:namaste:

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kirtu
Former staff member
Posts: 5595
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:29 pm
Location: Baltimore, MD

Re: hey everyone

Postby kirtu » Wed Jul 26, 2017 5:02 am

Hi Ethan, welcome to Dharmawheel!

You can't change the past. Create a beautiful present and in that way you will create a beautiful future. Ingrain the thought of never harming yourself or others (without guilt - you have after all faced the issue and resolved it with your friend) though lovingkindness mind training. Love all beings and yourself.

5:00 - 5:21
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Kirt
Kirt's Tibetan Translation Notes

"Even if you practice only for an hour a day with faith and inspiration, good qualities will steadily increase. Regular practice makes it easy to transform your mind. From seeing only relative truth, you will eventually reach a profound certainty in the meaning of absolute truth."
Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.

"Only you can make your mind beautiful."
HH Chetsang Rinpoche


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