hey everyone

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doublerepukken
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:42 am

hey everyone

Postby doublerepukken » Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:02 am

hello everyone,

my name is ethan, i'm a recent graduate from the university of delaware (english/east asian philosophy). i've studied buddhism on and off since i was about 12 years old, and have been part of a couple internet sanghas. several years ago, i completely stopped my practice (i honestly don't know why) and became something like a hedonist. i don't want to get too into the details but eventually, i got to a point where i hated my life so much that the only thing i looked forward to was indulging myself in food, drink, or sex etc. this culminated in me sexually assaulting someone while completely blackout drunk (i had drank an entire handle of rum and about a 6 pack, i had thrown up a couple times) that was a good friend whom i had just started a relationship with. after what i had done and her explaining how much i had hurt her, i contemplated suicide and would have gone through with it if not for knowing how much it would hurt my mother. to this day i am haunted by what i've done; it creeps into my thoughts at night like a spectre. eventually, i realized i needed the dharma back in my life and i started following the precepts again; me and her have worked it out, but nothing seems to erase the guilt that i hold in my heart and mind. i am here to heal and to grow, and change my way of life. i cannot do it alone and so since i live in an isolated area, i wish to join you all.

thank you,

ethan :heart: :buddha1:

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Admin_PC
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Posts: 3529
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:17 pm
Location: Texas, USA

Re: hey everyone

Postby Admin_PC » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:36 pm

Welcome to DharmaWheel.
Thanks for the brutally honest sharing, I hope at least something good can come out of such a horrific event.
:anjali:
月影の いたらぬ里は なけれども 眺むる人の 心にぞすむ
法然上人

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doublerepukken
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:42 am

Re: hey everyone

Postby doublerepukken » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:52 pm

Admin_PC wrote:Welcome to DharmaWheel.
Thanks for the brutally honest sharing, I hope at least something good can come out of such a horrific event.
:anjali:


thank you, sorry if that came off a little too strong. when i wrote this last night I was in a bad place. i'm feeling better now though thankfully :twothumbsup: but I truly am desperate for help. What I did still weighs on my mind extremely heavily. She has forgiven me, and I think I have taken a lot of positive steps in the past months to correcting my behavior and just overall living a healthier way of life. now i'm starting to get back into regular meditating and nembutsu.


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