Not welcome in Life

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Not welcome in Life

Postby siriusblack » Thu Jun 12, 2014 8:45 pm

Hi guys.

I'm new to this board (found it yesterday), but not new to buddhism.

When i was 14 i decided that what happened in my life couldn't be everything, that there must be something else, and i decided to find out where it was, no matter how hard i had to practice. I had always the feeling of lack, but as a kid i didnt feel able to recognize how i truely was.

At that time i had the feeling that outer forces would keep me in a mental prison, from which it is nearly impossible to escape, if not totally impossible, since i live still in a mental prison. I firstly became depressed, didnt want to live anymore, didnt know what to do anymore, lost all hope. But then i found out that there is something, that people call "spirituality" and i soon found out, that this must be what i was searching for. And when i found out that some people state that there is such a state as "enlightenment" and that i could achieve it too, i made it into my biggest goal. I couldnt free myself from that goal-perspective since now. I always tried to do things the best i could, but it seems to me that it wasnt enough, because my life became very unnormal, lonesome and almost crazy. This must be caused by the many mistakes i've made.

How did I find to buddhism? I firstly read esoteric books and found later out, that some of them are more like money-making "machines", with a lot of ideas stolen from buddhism. And when I remembered a movie i've seen with buddhist monks sitting at the himalaya in a monastery, drinking tea in silence, I recognized the resonance in my stomach, which i had at that time when i've seen. I didnt understood it, but later I've recognized that this feeling was reminding me, of what was truely missing. So i started to practice zen buddhism and watched dogzchen teachings.

Later I got glimpses of who I truely am, for example when there was a little child greeting me and there was a light shining out of her chest, reminding me who i truly was (not what the thoughts are telling me about me).

But now I am thinking that its not such a experience, that i search, because it is something that comes and goes, but that i search something that is always here, that is permanent. I'm very confused and desperate at the moment, because all i want is this and i'm troubling myself in trying to get there.

Sometimes i dont see the possibility anymore to take right action. It feels as if it was completely out of my reach, as if things would happen without me. I dont know what happens with me, and i dont know anymore if its good or bad, i only see that I'm in a blind end, without any future, without the hope that it gets better.

Some years ago i could practice buddhism normally, but now i dont feel as if i could practice it anymore. It feels as if some force that is not myself is trying to keep me away from it. sounds paranoid and is maybe, but this is what is happening.

p.s.: I'm 22

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David N. Snyder
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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby David N. Snyder » Thu Jun 12, 2014 9:47 pm

Welcome to Dharma Wheel!

It's a gradual path.


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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby Losal Samten » Thu Jun 12, 2014 9:50 pm

Look into Yantra Yoga, it can help greatly with such mental anxieties and problems (as it did with Togden Ugyen Tendzin) alongside bimala pills.

Getting yourself a qualified Dzogchen teacher is a must (if you do feel that it's the path for you), their methods and guidance are invaluable.
Lacking mindfulness, we commit every wrong. - Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche
འ༔ ཨ༔ ཧ༔ ཤ༔ ས༔ མ༔

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby Mkoll » Thu Jun 12, 2014 10:43 pm

David N. Snyder wrote:Welcome to Dharma Wheel!

It's a gradual path.


Hear, hear!
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby Grigoris » Thu Jun 12, 2014 11:00 pm

siriusblack wrote:Some years ago i could practice buddhism normally, but now i dont feel as if i could practice it anymore. It feels as if some force that is not myself is trying to keep me away from it. sounds paranoid and is maybe, but this is what is happening.
Welcome sirius! I was just wondering if you have a history of mental health problems? If so it would be a good idea to discuss these feelings with your therapist, while you continue to slog along the path to enlightenment! :smile: We need help from wherever we can find it to cope with this world.
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby philji » Fri Jun 13, 2014 12:13 pm

I second the advice of Sherab Dorje and maybe steer away from Vajrayana practices for now. Keep it simple...generate merit where you can and try to help others.

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby DGA » Fri Jun 13, 2014 3:45 pm

Hi sirius,

Welcome to DharmaWheel. One thing that helped me a lot getting started (when I was also in my early 20s after some difficult and dark times in my youth) was getting involved with a local practice group. The routine of seeing people who cared about practice and, I would later learn, genuinely cared about me made all the difference in my life and in my practice.

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby garudha » Fri Jun 13, 2014 7:41 pm

Your post is touching. I used to feel the same, and I often still do get the blues, despite my former, most incredible, realisations!

There is no happiness-tree where the happy-fruit grows, afaik, yet, we are able to feel happy.

Remember; when you last felt happy, the feeling came from inside, didn't it?

So why do you look outside for fruit to eat, in this world, in your life?

Perhaps, for some small reason, you can find a reason to be happy?

Or maybe, without any reason, you can be happy. You want to to eat an invisible fruit ? --Please eat... freely. Are you holding the fruit? So put it to your mouth & take a bite. :tongue:

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby papaya » Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:24 am

You are a brave young man. Seeking answers to hard questions always challenges us to the core of our being and become like the strong vibrations of the sea or a hurricane or real loud music at a disco club. The vibrations are life. The vibrations are saying "You are alive!" Please do not give up your search, for that is the only way to never find what it is you seek. Soak in all the compassion around you here at this site and in the entire universe. I admire what you are doing, my fellow seeker.

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby LastLegend » Sun Aug 10, 2014 12:45 pm

Hello serius,

I think you need the nourishment of merit for your path. You can accumulate merit by reciting a mantra, a Buddha or Bodhisattva, by giving money (for example $ 1 if you don't have much to sick, poor, those who need help, charities, Buddhist temples (to support Dharma), dharma / Dharma (dharma is any worldly method to help people like giving a cooking recipe, Dharma is teaching of Buddha), giving lives (by releasing wild caught animals whose lives are at stake, might not be an available option at where you live), volunteer services, etc.

In my opinion, Zen approach might suit you. But it can be very dry for you right now that can be counterproductive ( I.e., leading you to have a nihilistic understanding).

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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Re: Not welcome in Life

Postby Jesse » Sun Aug 10, 2014 2:09 pm

I'm very confused and desperate at the moment, because all i want is this

Your story reminds me of mine a bit, so let me tell you this much: I used to chase spirituality like it was some thing completely separate from life as we know it, but as it turns out that isn't what spirituality is. We feel like there is some thing we have to gain, but in the end there's really nothing to gain. The truth is we need to lose alot of things to find ourselves. Wrong views, delusions, our childishness. Once we begin cleaning out our closets so to speak, thing's start becoming more clear, and we realize what we have been seeking has resided within us the whole time, we never had to go anywhere, find anything, gain anything.

and i'm troubling myself in trying to get there.

It'l happen regardless, if that's what you really want, so don't try so hard. Relax and enjoy life.
“Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of one's desires, but by the removal of desire” – Epictetus

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