Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

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F.Lily
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Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by F.Lily » Mon May 18, 2020 2:06 pm

Hello my friends, I have a dilemma where I try to find words on how to act as a Buddhist when being exposed to domestic violence. There’s been a police report filed against the spouse, where I am struggling on the thought of it becoming a revengeful act doing so. I mean the spouse no harm, I only wish for this person to heal from the toxic behavior and for me to heal from being exposed to it. I am afraid of pulling back the police report for my own safety and I see the importance of these crimes brought to light for future generations, but at the same time I know this report will cause mental harm to the spouse - even though the behavior was real, I wish this person no harm, for I wish no living being any harm.

What are your views on this dilemma? How can one reflect and how should one approach this scenario as a Buddhist?

Very grateful for replies /distressed and lost

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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by PadmaVonSamba » Mon May 18, 2020 4:35 pm

It isn’t revenge.
When we say, “I want” or “I don’t want”,
That’s merely reinforcing ego, self.
This is part of why it is easy to get stuck in an abusive situation: “I don’t want to be the bad person”
is, ultimately, just another ego trip. It’s not Dharma.
If the violent person were hurting kittens,
would you have the same hesitation ?
Please don’t use the Buudhadharma
as an excuse for letting people hurt you.
Hurting others only increases their negative karma.
But you can stop that. Right?
...
Profile Picture: "The Fo Ming (Buddha Bright) Monk"
People on web forums sometime seem to be foaming at the mouth.

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Kim O'Hara
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by Kim O'Hara » Tue May 19, 2020 3:11 am

:good:
F.Lily wrote:
Mon May 18, 2020 2:06 pm
What are your views on this dilemma? How can one reflect and how should one approach this scenario as a Buddhist?
Most things in life are a mixture of good and bad. We often talk about "mixed karma" for this reason.
The best we can do is reduce the bad as much as we can.
Reporting an abusive spouse may harm them, as you say, but reducing the harm to yourself (and maybe others) is a benefit which is far greater.

:namaste:
Kim

reiun
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by reiun » Tue May 19, 2020 4:45 am

F.Lily wrote:
Mon May 18, 2020 2:06 pm
Hello my friends, I have a dilemma where I try to find words on how to act as a Buddhist when being exposed to domestic violence. There’s been a police report filed against the spouse, where I am struggling on the thought of it becoming a revengeful act doing so. I mean the spouse no harm, I only wish for this person to heal from the toxic behavior and for me to heal from being exposed to it.

What are your views on this dilemma? How can one reflect and how should one approach this scenario as a Buddhist?

Very grateful for replies /distressed and lost
Your personal safety should be a prime concern.

It might be wise and compassionate to consider speaking with a therapist for the benefit of both your spouse and you. In the US, someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline would be one resource to call or chat with online:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

A therapist can address rehabilitation and issues like anger management, impulse control, etc. with your spouse. Individual or family therapy and a support group might be helpful for you. If you are affiliated with a teacher or sangha, or would like to be, you may find sources of support there. If you have a meditation practice, it would perhaps be advisable to consult with someone about the timing of it, especially if it involves inward-looking, and whether it would be a benefit or not right now. A teacher or therapist could offer perspectives.

Rely on yourself to pursue right action. Get help and strengthen to see this through.

Best wishes

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javier.espinoza.t
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by javier.espinoza.t » Thu May 21, 2020 11:30 pm

F.Lily wrote:
Mon May 18, 2020 2:06 pm
Hello my friends, I have a dilemma where I try to find words on how to act as a Buddhist when being exposed to domestic violence. There’s been a police report filed against the spouse, where I am struggling on the thought of it becoming a revengeful act doing so. I mean the spouse no harm, I only wish for this person to heal from the toxic behavior and for me to heal from being exposed to it. I am afraid of pulling back the police report for my own safety and I see the importance of these crimes brought to light for future generations, but at the same time I know this report will cause mental harm to the spouse - even though the behavior was real, I wish this person no harm, for I wish no living being any harm.

What are your views on this dilemma? How can one reflect and how should one approach this scenario as a Buddhist?

Very grateful for replies /distressed and lost
Hello, you should not tolerate violence against you, just as you should not practice violence. that is the principle of non-violence.

shoe
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by shoe » Sat May 23, 2020 7:23 pm

F.Lily wrote:
Mon May 18, 2020 2:06 pm
Hello my friends, I have a dilemma where I try to find words on how to act as a Buddhist when being exposed to domestic violence. There’s been a police report filed against the spouse, where I am struggling on the thought of it becoming a revengeful act doing so. I mean the spouse no harm, I only wish for this person to heal from the toxic behavior and for me to heal from being exposed to it. I am afraid of pulling back the police report for my own safety and I see the importance of these crimes brought to light for future generations, but at the same time I know this report will cause mental harm to the spouse - even though the behavior was real, I wish this person no harm, for I wish no living being any harm.

What are your views on this dilemma? How can one reflect and how should one approach this scenario as a Buddhist?

Very grateful for replies /distressed and lost
Thank you for reporting. Stick to it! A court may order the spouse to get treatment, so it might be the most compassionate option available. Court ordered treatment is holding the spouse accountable for their actions and hoping they change for the better. Will it be easy on the spouse? No, but the right thing to do isn't always going to be easy. I would check if you have some free legal or other types of support available for you so you can discuss what to do from here.

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Ayu
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Re: Filing a police report against spouse for domestic violence as a Buddhist?

Post by Ayu » Mon May 25, 2020 6:13 am

I would like to emphasize on the karmic POV: karmically speaking you won't do a person a favor by allowing them to harm you. If you have compassion for this person, you'll stop them to harm you. Everyting they do to you they'll get back multiple times the longer this karmic seed rests. From karmic POV, the earlier this seed sprouts the better.
Revenge is not the point, but the aggressor has to be stopped.

In a normal situation the first buddhist measure is to deprive the person of the opportunity to harm you. Find help, move out, leave this situation. Police is the next step, if he starts to harras you or the situation continues in other ways.

From buddhist POV you can say: "I'm very sorry that you don't like these consequences, but I have to stop you."
You would protect another woman as well, if you could. Therefore you can protect yourself as well.
For the benefit and ease of all sentient beings. :heart:

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