Adultery and Being a Buddhist

[boda]

[Gyurme Kundrol]

Now, as a Buddhist I am suppose to avoid suffering and causing harm to others and in saying that I would like opinions or maybe some guidance. So, if I'm suppose to avoid harming others how do I tell one I'm in love with another woman or how do I end the other relationship, which I refuse to call an affair because it's much more than that? The "other" woman knows I'm married and is willing to share me and is also willing to make sure no one finds out about us. I must also add this info because it makes me more aware of not hurting the "other" woman. The "other" woman is fighting Lymphoma and ending anything at this time would be too harsh and hurtful because she depends on me for comfort and companionship. I would truly like some input on this issue. Thank you.

Loving multiple people is fine. Multiple sexual partners is fine. Sometimes relationships end but the love continues in various ways for various reasons. Some people you will always be in love with, even if you meet the partner of your dreams the love for this other person never fades. So nothing wrong with loving multiple people.

You already know whats wrong, you've already figured it out. However I would point out that most people cheat not because they want to hurt others, or themselves, or want to be deceptive. They cheat because they rushed into commitment before knowing themselves and what they want. They cheat because they have not reached a point where they really want to build a life with someone. I think it comes from clinging to experiences and also from not understanding the power of sexual energies and the hormones involved with intimacy. Its very easy to "slip" and end up in a situation where there is a cascade effect of biological events coupled with (usually) various kinds of unconscious forces and neurotic tendencies that drives people to get together in the first place. The "honeymoon" phase as its called is literally a period of extreme delusion where both partners have this image of the other person that usually has absolutely nothing to do with reality. As reality sets in, this honeymoon (or neurosis) comes to an end and this is the test of whether a relationship can endure or not.

My point is these are powerful forces in general and hard to navigate for everyone. Still, my advice is to sort this all out one way or another. Whatever you choose to do make a promise to yourself that this will be the LAST time you commit to someone before you are absolutely sure you are ready for that. No more rushing into a commitment. Dont be the man who makes these kinds of empty promises to a woman. Its better for her to want your commitment and not have it (and its even better to lose her because of this) than it is for her to think she has your commitment but doesn't.

From a Dharma perspective if you can achieve insight into emptiness then you can begin to experience the arising of universal compassion. Having this will make it much easier to commit because your motivations will be rooted in selflessness and not in neurotic, selfish habits. You can actually build a relationship with someone with this universal compassion and love as your foundation, and I think for a Buddhist this should be our goal. Its amazing and beautiful and allows for a full expression of all possible forms of compassion that your body can give to another person, at least if you find the right kind of woman for that. The question of being with other people is moot because as you realize that all things are mere self appearances there wont be any clinging to the phenomenal appearance of a supposed "other woman" since all women are a part of your own consciousness and all "being in love with" a woman is only being in love with an expression of your own mind and energies. So thats what I really encourage- developing a view like that. Meditating, practicing, studying Dharma.

You'll never be perfect, but when you see these things in yourself then we attempt to put an end to them and commit to not doing them again. We do this with the strong intention of Bodhicitta. You already have this self awareness and you already know its wrong, now its just about making some choices and moving forward in your life with this new self awareness and hopefully some new, better intentions for the sake of yourself and others.

[ChrisK]

Another update for anyone who is interested. I have since my last post been with the "other woman". I know its wrong and weak I'm sure but I cannot stay away. Our relationship is too deep and [enjoyable].

Edited

[Jeff H]

Another update for anyone who is interested. I have since my last post been with the "other woman". I know its wrong and weak I'm sure but I cannot stay away. Our relationship is too deep and [enjoyable].

What are you doing to cultivate Buddhism? That's much more relevant than how you're cultivating samsara.

[Queequeg]

cultivating samsara.

This is a tangent... that phrase struck me.

Isn't this what advanced bodhisattvas and Buddhas kind of do when they sow and tend a buddhafield?

Not that OP is doing this... I wouldn't call that "cultivating samsara," but more like happily riding a floating poop as it circles around the vortex of the samsara toilet.

No offense, OP.

[Johnny Dangerous]

Another update for anyone who is interested. I have since my last post been with the "other woman". I know its wrong and weak I'm sure but I cannot stay away. Our relationship is too deep and [enjoyable].

Edited

"Deep", or just fun? Don't delude yourself. Well, you've gotten lots of advice, and you get to live with the consequences of this. Good luck.

The "other" woman is fighting Lymphoma and ending anything at this time would be too harsh and hurtful because she depends on me for comfort and companionship.

You're forced to have an illicit romance because she has lymphoma, is that a therapy of some kind?

Seriously though, the justification is silly, it sounds like you are doing it because it's fun, and you are choosing fun over the negative consequences to yourself and possibly your wife.

If this person is dying, and your presence is important to her (which it sounds like it is), is it not possible to "be there" in a different way? You are presenting it as if it's some selfless act, but then it sounds like the part you are focused on is primarily your own pleasure and happiness.

[ClearblueSky]

Another update for anyone who is interested. I have since my last post been with the "other woman". I know its wrong and weak I'm sure but I cannot stay away. Our relationship is too deep and [enjoyable].

Edited

Okay, so be it. At this point I think there's not much to say, you had more than enough berating from some people, but you've also had lots of good advice about what it specifically means in a Buddhist context. FYI there are other online forums that are a bit more dedicated to discussing this sort of thing (e.g. r/relationships). So my final statement is I'm wishing you good luck and freedom from suffering!

[Ayu]

...

... FYI there are other online forums that are a bit more dedicated to discussing this sort of thing (e.g. r/relationships). ......

I recommend also trying to lurk into the other side. There are LOTS of forums about "soon-to-be ex-wifes", about victims of midlife-crisis and all those typical concequences of betrayal in supposed friendships. Really interesting to read.

May you be well, ChrisK, and may you be able to hurt your female friends as less as possible.

[tellyontellyon]

".. . I can love each woman because each woman give me different things I need...."

[Jim1]

Hello ChrisK,

You need to decide what's most important to you.

Is it your spiritual walk(which is ultimately all we have). Or is it your own gratification. The second one typically only leads to ruin. This is a choice you really need to make friend.

[Jehanne]

Hi ChrisK,
I haven't read the whole thread, but it occurred to me to ask: have you tried discussing these feelings you are having with the "other woman"? With her simply because she is the only one of the ladies who knows the whole story. Just being able to share this with somebody who is compassionate about your situation might be more fruitful than this thread ( I saw some of the early replies you got...).

These things are complicated, delicate and subtle. I hope you the best!

Jehanne

[Lucalina]

My friend, you would benefit greatly from a polyamorous relationship.
If I'm not mistaken, sexual misconduct is a behavior that is prohibited by Buddhism, and generally morally wrong even without Buddhism involved.
Polyamorous relationships are completely fine, as they involve honest and open communication with both parties, and i believe you should have the conversation with your wife about holding an open marriage.
I know it will be a difficult conservation, but I very much believe it is necessary.

[kausalya]

Another update for anyone who is interested. I have since my last post been with the "other woman". I know its wrong and weak I'm sure but I cannot stay away. Our relationship is too deep and [enjoyable].

Please continue to give updates as your situation develops.

If my intuition is correct (based on the words of my teacher), your interest will burn itself out when you've had sufficient experiences with the results of your actions that you reach a point of irreversible conviction not to go there again.

At that point, you'll definitely be able to pursue something beneficial for everyone involved.