Adultery and Being a Buddhist

A forum for discussion of Buddhist ethics.
pael
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by pael » Sat Jan 28, 2017 4:36 pm

Ambrosius80 wrote:I think you already know the answer to your question. "Sexual misconduct", the third precept, forbids adultery.
It is also third unwholesome action. Are they exactly the same action?
May all beings be free from suffering and causes of suffering

Jeff H
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Jeff H » Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:12 pm

ChrisK, what have you learned about Buddhism so far and what teachings have you received? I ask only for your self-reflection, not a response.

I ask because someone could read this thread from a doctrinally moralistic perspective. But Buddha didn’t hand down rules and demand obedience to them. Buddha said:
1. Are you aware that the very nature of your life’s experience is suffering?
2. Do you know why that is?
3. Once you know the sources of suffering, you’ll see there is a way to overcome it.
4. Here are the causes of suffering and the way to eliminate them…

His admonitions are guidelines. It is up to each of us, within the context of our own karmic circumstances, to be alert to how we can best mitigate the activities of our bodies, words, and minds in a manner that reduces suffering and promotes loving kindness.

Your experiences today are the result of previous actions; your responses to these experiences create the causes of subsequent experiences. (As my signature, below, reminds me.)
We who are like children shrink from pain but love its causes. - Shantideva

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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo » Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:03 pm

Being married makes it adultery. You did take a pledge to be owned by another. Your mind will not settle or be peaceful until that dishonesty is removed from your life. (I know this from experience) If the marriage is not worth being faithful it's shit and not meeting your needs. The lying will only make the gulf between you larger. Yes, she will likely go psycho if you get caught and try to destroy your life. People seem to think that is acceptable. Some partners use that as blackmail to keep a marriage going past it's expiry date. You can't meet someone awesome until this is over.

The easiest solution would be getting caught. Things will blow up but after you can get back to normal and perhaps find a single partner who meets sufficient needs or multiple partners where you can be honest. Looking back you will find keeping this dead marriage on life support for financial or whatever reasons was a waste of time.

Barring that I would seriously suggest getting a second burner cell phone. The most ingenious I have seen is a burner with a fingerprint reader keyed to your toe. Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.

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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu » Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:51 am

Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo » Mon Jan 30, 2017 3:10 pm

Ayu wrote:
Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable and divorce such a strong badge of dishonour for a woman they think their life is over. Abuse between partners is very common. Be it psychological, such as turning the children against the former spouse or financial. Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again. Some people are in relationships because they fear what will happen if they try to leave. Adultery may be the least of the ethical violations floating around. We really don't know.

boda
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by boda » Mon Jan 30, 2017 5:12 pm

Nemo wrote:Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again.
Ah, that explains the gas suit.

binocular
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by binocular » Wed Feb 01, 2017 7:19 pm

Nemo wrote:That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable
Oh my, what a statement!

shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc » Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:26 pm

I've spent a bit of time in S.E. Asia and I've never been anywhere that murder is socially acceptable. As a matter of fact I'm quite sure that all of the countries have laws against such behavior.

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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo » Wed Feb 01, 2017 10:24 pm

They don't kill you obviously. They just wing you a bit and you run for your life. You really need to get out to the more isolated provinces, lol.

shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:19 am

Nemo wrote:They don't kill you obviously. They just wing you a bit and you run for your life. You really need to get out to the more isolated provinces, lol.
My wife comes from an isolated province. In her whole life she's only seen one person stabbed. Incidentally that was over an unpaid debt from the cock fights.and again that person wasn't winged, they died.
Times have changed a bit. The shame of separation and divorce isn't what it used to be.

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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:56 am

Nemo wrote:
Ayu wrote:
Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable and divorce such a strong badge of dishonour for a woman they think their life is over. Abuse between partners is very common. Be it psychological, such as turning the children against the former spouse or financial. Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again. Some people are in relationships because they fear what will happen if they try to leave. Adultery may be the least of the ethical violations floating around. We really don't know.
My point was viewed from Buddhist ethics, which are guidelines for our own mental health:
Better than hiding misdeeds skillfully it would be to prevent them. I.e. think about the consequences before starting a relation to a third person, or think about how to solve the situation soon.
Putting energy into intelligent hiding strategies - while continuing the fraud - is no good solution.
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

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ChrisK
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ChrisK » Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:28 pm

I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.

shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc » Mon Feb 20, 2017 8:34 pm

I feel sure that it'll work out for the best. Good luck on your journey. Shaun.

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Kunga Lhadzom
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Kunga Lhadzom » Mon Feb 20, 2017 9:08 pm

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.
Thank you ChrisK for the update. I think about you since you've been posting your story...and I can relate...as my "love life" , has also been gut -wrenching...we should be so lucky, to only have the luxury of having a gut wrenching love life...when life could be much worse....

Peace :heart:
The Universe flowing through my veins...stars falling from my eyes......rocks rolling in my head...lemon juice dripping down my chin....

https://drunklotus.blog

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ClearblueSky
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ClearblueSky » Mon Feb 20, 2017 9:53 pm

Sorry to hear it's difficult, remember, sometimes the wisest choice is not the easiest one. Good luck!

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ChrisK
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ChrisK » Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:37 pm

ClearblueSky wrote:Sorry to hear it's difficult, remember, sometimes the wisest choice is not the easiest one. Good luck!
Thank you.

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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu » Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:40 pm

Thank you for the update. Glad to hear about your decision. Further I'm in lack of wise words. I know, everybody could be in your situation. Then the way out is depending on individual factors.
Very best wishes.
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

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Queequeg
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Queequeg » Tue Feb 21, 2017 5:42 pm

Suggested viewing:

Take this Waltz
Those who, even with distracted minds,
Entered a stupa compound
And chanted but once, “Namo Buddhaya!”
Have certainly attained the path of the buddhas.

-Lotus Sutra, Expedient Means Chapter

I think each human being has things to find out in his own life that are inescapable. They’ll find them out the easy way or the hard way, or whatever.
-Jerry Garcia

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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Tue Feb 21, 2017 6:08 pm

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.

Thanks for the update, I think you did the right thing, hope things even out for you soon.
"it must be coming from the mouthy mastermind of raunchy rapper, Johnny Dangerous”

-Jeff H.

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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo » Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:40 pm

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.
Having lived together with two wives and had some poly relationships I can say this will likely be for the best. Be strong, rely on friends, watch too much Netflix in track pants and eat junk. You may find neither was a good match and choose to be alone for awhile. Having your heart broken only feels like the end of the world. Don't let people use their emotions to control you. How much they love you does not make you responsible for them.

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