Adultery and Being a Buddhist

A forum for discussion of Buddhist ethics.
pael
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by pael »

Ambrosius80 wrote:I think you already know the answer to your question. "Sexual misconduct", the third precept, forbids adultery.
It is also third unwholesome action. Are they exactly the same action?
May all beings be free from suffering and causes of suffering
Jeff H
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Jeff H »

ChrisK, what have you learned about Buddhism so far and what teachings have you received? I ask only for your self-reflection, not a response.

I ask because someone could read this thread from a doctrinally moralistic perspective. But Buddha didn’t hand down rules and demand obedience to them. Buddha said:
1. Are you aware that the very nature of your life’s experience is suffering?
2. Do you know why that is?
3. Once you know the sources of suffering, you’ll see there is a way to overcome it.
4. Here are the causes of suffering and the way to eliminate them…

His admonitions are guidelines. It is up to each of us, within the context of our own karmic circumstances, to be alert to how we can best mitigate the activities of our bodies, words, and minds in a manner that reduces suffering and promotes loving kindness.

Your experiences today are the result of previous actions; your responses to these experiences create the causes of subsequent experiences. (As my signature, below, reminds me.)
Where now is my mind engaged? - Shantideva
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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo »

Being married makes it adultery. You did take a pledge to be owned by another. Your mind will not settle or be peaceful until that dishonesty is removed from your life. (I know this from experience) If the marriage is not worth being faithful it's shit and not meeting your needs. The lying will only make the gulf between you larger. Yes, she will likely go psycho if you get caught and try to destroy your life. People seem to think that is acceptable. Some partners use that as blackmail to keep a marriage going past it's expiry date. You can't meet someone awesome until this is over.

The easiest solution would be getting caught. Things will blow up but after you can get back to normal and perhaps find a single partner who meets sufficient needs or multiple partners where you can be honest. Looking back you will find keeping this dead marriage on life support for financial or whatever reasons was a waste of time.

Barring that I would seriously suggest getting a second burner cell phone. The most ingenious I have seen is a burner with a fingerprint reader keyed to your toe. Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu »

Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo »

Ayu wrote:
Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable and divorce such a strong badge of dishonour for a woman they think their life is over. Abuse between partners is very common. Be it psychological, such as turning the children against the former spouse or financial. Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again. Some people are in relationships because they fear what will happen if they try to leave. Adultery may be the least of the ethical violations floating around. We really don't know.
boda
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by boda »

Nemo wrote:Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again.
Ah, that explains the gas suit.
binocular
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by binocular »

Nemo wrote:That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable
Oh my, what a statement!
shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc »

I've spent a bit of time in S.E. Asia and I've never been anywhere that murder is socially acceptable. As a matter of fact I'm quite sure that all of the countries have laws against such behavior.
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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo »

They don't kill you obviously. They just wing you a bit and you run for your life. You really need to get out to the more isolated provinces, lol.
shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc »

Nemo wrote:They don't kill you obviously. They just wing you a bit and you run for your life. You really need to get out to the more isolated provinces, lol.
My wife comes from an isolated province. In her whole life she's only seen one person stabbed. Incidentally that was over an unpaid debt from the cock fights.and again that person wasn't winged, they died.
Times have changed a bit. The shame of separation and divorce isn't what it used to be.
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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu »

Nemo wrote:
Ayu wrote:
Nemo wrote:.... Wife can tell you to try every finger and it will never unlock.
Seems to me, this kind of thinking still has to be improved regarding Buddhist Ethics.

A wife is not a parent that has to controll her kid-husband. As an adult it is better (for the own mind) to straighten ones spine and neither hide oneself nor spy upon the partner.
That is a rather Eurocentric point of view. In some parts of Asia stabbing/shooting your husband is socially acceptable and divorce such a strong badge of dishonour for a woman they think their life is over. Abuse between partners is very common. Be it psychological, such as turning the children against the former spouse or financial. Most physical abuse is by men, but once weapons and poison enter the fray things equalize out again. Some people are in relationships because they fear what will happen if they try to leave. Adultery may be the least of the ethical violations floating around. We really don't know.
My point was viewed from Buddhist ethics, which are guidelines for our own mental health:
Better than hiding misdeeds skillfully it would be to prevent them. I.e. think about the consequences before starting a relation to a third person, or think about how to solve the situation soon.
Putting energy into intelligent hiding strategies - while continuing the fraud - is no good solution.
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ChrisK
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ChrisK »

I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.
shaunc
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by shaunc »

I feel sure that it'll work out for the best. Good luck on your journey. Shaun.
A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha »

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.
Thank you ChrisK for the update. I think about you since you've been posting your story...and I can relate...as my "love life" , has also been gut -wrenching...we should be so lucky, to only have the luxury of having a gut wrenching love life...when life could be much worse....

Peace :heart:
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ClearblueSky
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ClearblueSky »

Sorry to hear it's difficult, remember, sometimes the wisest choice is not the easiest one. Good luck!
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ChrisK
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by ChrisK »

ClearblueSky wrote:Sorry to hear it's difficult, remember, sometimes the wisest choice is not the easiest one. Good luck!
Thank you.
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Ayu
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Ayu »

Thank you for the update. Glad to hear about your decision. Further I'm in lack of wise words. I know, everybody could be in your situation. Then the way out is depending on individual factors.
Very best wishes.
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Queequeg
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Queequeg »

Suggested viewing:

Take this Waltz
There is no suffering to be severed. Ignorance and klesas are indivisible from bodhi. There is no cause of suffering to be abandoned. Since extremes and the false are the Middle and genuine, there is no path to be practiced. Samsara is nirvana. No severance achieved. No suffering nor its cause. No path, no end. There is no transcendent realm; there is only the one true aspect. There is nothing separate from the true aspect.
-Guanding, Perfect and Sudden Contemplation,
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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.

Thanks for the update, I think you did the right thing, hope things even out for you soon.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared

-Khunu Lama
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Nemo
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Re: Adultery and Being a Buddhist

Post by Nemo »

ChrisK wrote:I'm not sure if anyone cares about what has been going on with my situation, but I feel as though I need to give everyone who posted or commented on the post and update. At this very moment things between me and the other person is ending. Thing have almost come to a head and as a resulted of our love for each other we are or have decided to end our relationship. I have to be honest though, this is the toughest thing that I have ever dealt with.
Having lived together with two wives and had some poly relationships I can say this will likely be for the best. Be strong, rely on friends, watch too much Netflix in track pants and eat junk. You may find neither was a good match and choose to be alone for awhile. Having your heart broken only feels like the end of the world. Don't let people use their emotions to control you. How much they love you does not make you responsible for them.
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