My new neighbor

A forum for discussion of Buddhist ethics.
User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:48 am

Hello again everyone.. someone might remember me from a couple years ago. If not, that's ok.

I just moved into a new place the beginning of May(almost a month and a half ago). I'm single and the first day I really connected with the women who lives right next to me, these units are veeery close together. Anyway we had a great, long conversation and I felt like we really connected. The landlord had already told me a little bit about the man who lives on the other side of her(pretty much just that he's nice), and so during our conversation I casually asked about him.. Her response was that he's "strange" and mostly keeps to himself. Ok so I didn't think much more of it until the next night(her and I talked again that day and I was definitely starting to like her) when I heard him coming out of her cottage saying sweet goodbyes to each other. Literally all I could think to myself was, "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN." I don't know how, but I just should have.

So anyway, skip forward to today(oh and it's been torture hearing the two of them just about every night right outside my window - like I said these cottages are REALLY close together) he's been gone this evening, and so a car pulls up and another gentleman gets out and goes in her cottage and has been in there for hours! I'm sure the main guy knows nothing of this, and I'm also pretty sure she knew he wouldn't be around tonight since she talks to him all the time. Idk, I know you all are going to say "it's not your business, just stay out of it and let whatever happens happen." But it's hard man. Any shred of respect that I had for her is now completely gone. I don't want to live next to this @#%^ mess. But I signed a year lease so I'm stuck. Btw, the guy is really nice. I actually like him a lot. Just hurts to hear him and her every night, especially when she gave me completely wrong information when I first asked about him! And I now with tonight I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who read through the whole thing.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

Jesse
Posts: 1726
Joined: Wed May 08, 2013 6:54 am
Location: Virginia, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jesse » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:26 am

Jim1 wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:48 am
Hello again everyone.. someone might remember me from a couple years ago. If not, that's ok.

I just moved into a new place the beginning of May(almost a month and a half ago). I'm single and the first day I really connected with the women who lives right next to me, these units are veeery close together. Anyway we had a great, long conversation and I felt like we really connected. The landlord had already told me a little bit about the man who lives on the other side of her(pretty much just that he's nice), and so during our conversation I casually asked about him.. Her response was that he's "strange" and mostly keeps to himself. Ok so I didn't think much more of it until the next night(her and I talked again that day and I was definitely starting to like her) when I heard him coming out of her cottage saying sweet goodbyes to each other. Literally all I could think to myself was, "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN." I don't know how, but I just should have.

So anyway, skip forward to today(oh and it's been torture hearing the two of them just about every night right outside my window - like I said these cottages are REALLY close together) he's been gone this evening, and so a car pulls up and another gentleman gets out and goes in her cottage and has been in there for hours! I'm sure the main guy knows nothing of this, and I'm also pretty sure she knew he wouldn't be around tonight since she talks to him all the time. Idk, I know you all are going to say "it's not your business, just stay out of it and let whatever happens happen." But it's hard man. Any shred of respect that I had for her is now completely gone. I don't want to live next to this @#%^ mess. But I signed a year lease so I'm stuck. Btw, the guy is really nice. I actually like him a lot. Just hurts to hear him and her every night, especially when she gave me completely wrong information when I first asked about him! And I now with tonight I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who read through the whole thing.
So she engages in casual relationships? I don't get what the big deal is. This is fairly common where I come from... for both men, and women.
The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
-Henry David Thoreau

User avatar
Karma Dorje
Posts: 1339
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:35 pm

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Karma Dorje » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:31 am

That reminds me of a joke in rather poor taste:

"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?"

"A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you."

Seriously, get over yourself. This woman's life decisions are not your business. She could be polyamorous. They could be FWB. She could simply make poor choices. She could have mental health or sexual abuse issues. It's not our business to speculate. If you didn't want something from her, you wouldn't be pissed off at not getting it and turning to bludgeoning her with the Victorian morality card.

Think with the heart and just be a kind friend. If she is confused, she needs your compassion not your judgement. If this is simply how she wants to live her life, you really should just respect her autonomy and keep to yourself.
"Although my view is higher than the sky, My respect for the cause and effect of actions is as fine as grains of flour."
-Padmasambhava

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:54 am

Yes, I know.. I know. My biggest issue is that I'm RIGHT NEXT TO IT though. When they're saying their goodbyes at night I could reach my hand out the window and touch the guy's shoulder. I mean he's literally right in front of my window. Not his fault, just how close these cottages are.

Also he's a great guy(I really do like him), so I think I should tell him tomorrow what she was up to tonight. But I probably should talk to her first and just say something like, "um what the heck is going on?"

Truly if there was ONE other cottage in between me and this mess it would be a million times better. Like me, then someone else, then those two. It's the fact that I'm right on top of it that's what's so hard. And no one else is! The other side of her is him. So it's literally just me that's having to live next to all this.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 3:13 am

No, I won't say it like that. I'll ask her if we can talk and then if she says yes(I think she will), I'll just very tentatively and non-threateningly ask who that guy was. And yes, she will likely say it's non of my business. To which I'll say but I have to live next to it though. Oh well. I really did like her at first.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

SunWuKong
Posts: 333
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:15 pm

Re: My new neighbor

Post by SunWuKong » Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:22 am

Jim1 wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:54 am
Yes, I know.. I know. My biggest issue is that I'm RIGHT NEXT TO IT though. When they're saying their goodbyes at night I could reach my hand out the window and touch the guy's shoulder. I mean he's literally right in front of my window. Not his fault, just how close these cottages are.

Also he's a great guy(I really do like him), so I think I should tell him tomorrow what she was up to tonight. But I probably should talk to her first and just say something like, "um what the heck is going on?"

Truly if there was ONE other cottage in between me and this mess it would be a million times better. Like me, then someone else, then those two. It's the fact that I'm right on top of it that's what's so hard. And no one else is! The other side of her is him. So it's literally just me that's having to live next to all this.
Obviously she said "he's strange" because that allowed you to be still tempted to take the bait. That way, if she had a thing going on with him, you'd think she didn't. Further proof of her intent is shown with the third guy in the story. It looks like shes playing the field, nothing illegal there. I'm puzzled by the story, and you are too, by your attachment to judging her. If you hit on her now, with all you know, you'd have to judge yourself. Maybe the best approach now is to look at it like you were John Malkovich, who possesed your body, and you aren't actually "you" - in fact "you ceased to exist
"We are magical animals that roam" ~ Roam

shaunc
Posts: 697
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 8:10 am

Re: My new neighbor

Post by shaunc » Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:26 am

It's not your circus, they're not your monkeys.
My advice is to mind your own business and don't say anything to the other guy. Just stay out of it.

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:17 pm

Well the guy stayed the whole night and left in the morning, and now the first guy is back and it's just like the whole thing never happened. Absolutely makes my skin crawl, I'm sorry but it does. And no I certainly won't be "hitting on her" now(I like to take things slow anyway). I don't even want anything whatsoever to do with her at this point, just wish to goodness she didn't live right on top of me here.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

Bristollad
Posts: 399
Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2015 11:39 am

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Bristollad » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:18 am

Your speculations remind me of a story my mother used to tell me, of how she was criticised and judged a slut by some of the women in the small village we lived in because another man came to stay a few times whilst my father was serving overseas for two years in the Royal Navy. That man was my uncle, her brother, and he was simply helping his big sister settle into a new property and cope with the loneliness. When you judge others, it throws a light onto your own thoughts and demonstrates your own thinking and preconceptions.

User avatar
seeker242
Posts: 1320
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:50 pm
Location: South Florida, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by seeker242 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:14 pm

Verse 50 of the Dhammapada comes to mind:

"Focus, not on the rudenesses of others,
not on what they've done or left undone,
but on what you have & haven't done yourself
."
translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

"Let none find fault with others; let none see the omissions and commissions of others. But let one see one's own acts, done and undone."
translated from the Pali by Acharya Buddharakkhita

"One should not look at others' wrong deeds, what the others have done or not.
One should look only at what one oneself has and has not done.
"
One should not kill any living being, nor cause it to be killed, nor should one incite any other to kill. Do never injure any being, whether strong or weak, in this entire universe!

shaunc
Posts: 697
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 8:10 am

Re: My new neighbor

Post by shaunc » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:21 pm

:good:
seeker242 wrote:
Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:14 pm
Verse 50 of the Dhammapada comes to mind:

"Focus, not on the rudenesses of others,
not on what they've done or left undone,
but on what you have & haven't done yourself
."
translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

"Let none find fault with others; let none see the omissions and commissions of others. But let one see one's own acts, done and undone."
translated from the Pali by Acharya Buddharakkhita

"One should not look at others' wrong deeds, what the others have done or not.
One should look only at what one oneself has and has not done.
"

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:04 pm

:meditate:
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

User avatar
Ayu
Former staff member
Posts: 6987
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:25 am
Location: Europe

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Ayu » Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:10 pm

I recommend earplugs and dark sunglasses.

Maybe you can invite some friends to your cottage as well?
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:33 am

Ayu wrote:
Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:10 pm
I recommend earplugs and dark sunglasses.

Maybe you can invite some friends to your cottage as well?
I don't think the earplugs or dark glasses would really help. If I had some friends it would be good though, to kind of go through this experience with me. Thanks for the suggestions.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

User avatar
Virgo
Global Moderator
Posts: 3342
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 3:47 am
Location: Uni-verse

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Virgo » Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:37 am

Jim1 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:33 am
Ayu wrote:
Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:10 pm
I recommend earplugs and dark sunglasses.

Maybe you can invite some friends to your cottage as well?
I don't think the earplugs or dark glasses would really help. If I had some friends it would be good though, to kind of go through this experience with me. Thanks for the suggestions.
Why is this such a big deal to you? Is it really your business?

How would you feel if it was a guy living next door doing this with women?

Kevin...
ངོ་རང་ཐོག་ཏུ་སྤྲད། །
ཐག་གཅིག་ཐོག་ཏུ་བཅད། །
གདེང་གྲོལ་ཐོག་ཏུ་བཅའ། །


http://caretoclick.com/clean-the-enviro ... -phone-use

User avatar
Karma Dorje
Posts: 1339
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:35 pm

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Karma Dorje » Sun Jun 17, 2018 6:23 am

Jim1 wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:17 pm
Well the guy stayed the whole night and left in the morning, and now the first guy is back and it's just like the whole thing never happened. Absolutely makes my skin crawl, I'm sorry but it does. And no I certainly won't be "hitting on her" now(I like to take things slow anyway). I don't even want anything whatsoever to do with her at this point, just wish to goodness she didn't live right on top of me here.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Sounds like a perfect place to practice, right there with your neuroses about sexuality. To have such a visceral reaction to the perceived morality of a woman you just met says a lot more about you than her. Meditators really can't have that kind of uptightness. Fix your own mind, it's all that you control. Suffering beings need our support, not sanctimony.
"Although my view is higher than the sky, My respect for the cause and effect of actions is as fine as grains of flour."
-Padmasambhava

User avatar
Ayu
Former staff member
Posts: 6987
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:25 am
Location: Europe

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Ayu » Sun Jun 17, 2018 9:48 am

Virgo wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:37 am
Jim1 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:33 am
Ayu wrote:
Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:10 pm
I recommend earplugs and dark sunglasses.

Maybe you can invite some friends to your cottage as well?
I don't think the earplugs or dark glasses would really help. If I had some friends it would be good though, to kind of go through this experience with me. Thanks for the suggestions.
Why is this such a big deal to you? Is it really your business?

How would you feel if it was a guy living next door doing this with women?

Kevin...
I was once forced to observe such a male example on a one week travel. On day 2, he had a new girlfriend from the group. Then on day 7 on the journey back, in the bus he disconnected the relationship. He was very cool while she cried. When our bus reached home, he dismounted and was welcomed warmly by his home-girlfriend. He was cheerful and friendly as if nothing ever happend. This was really really disgusting.

But if I would live next door to such a person, I would try to keep my inner peace. I would try to practice metta or tonglen for this person and for the people related. And then I would take care of my own affairs and don't bother about them.
This is Samsara and people can't help it, they have to perform stupid things.
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 1:59 pm

Karma Dorje wrote:
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Sounds like a perfect place to practice, right there with your neuroses about sexuality. To have such a visceral reaction to the perceived morality of a woman you just met says a lot more about you than her. Meditators really can't have that kind of uptightness. Fix your own mind, it's all that you control. Suffering beings need our support, not sanctimony.
Wow, talk about judging. Time to take your own advice methinks.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

User avatar
Malcolm
Posts: 28238
Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:19 am

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Malcolm » Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:13 pm

Jim1 wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:48 am

Any shred of respect that I had for her is now completely gone.
Perhaps they have an open relationship. Maybe she is polyamorous. Maybe the first guy is gay and they hang out a lot, sleepovers even.

If this were a guy seeing multiple woman, would you feel the same way?

If not, examine yourself for sexist attitudes.

And, it is none of your business.
Buddhahood in This Life
འ༔ ཨ༔ ཧ༔ ཤ༔ ས༔ མ༔


[A]nything at all that is well spoken is the word of the Buddha.

-- Ārya-adhyāśaya-sañcodana-nāma-mahāyāna-sūtra

The different sūtras in accord with the emptiness
taught by the Sugata are definitive in meaning;
One can understand that all of those Dharmas in
which a sentient being, individual, or person are taught are provisional in meaning.

-- Samadhirāja Sūtra

User avatar
Jim1
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:43 am
Location: North Carolina, USA

Re: My new neighbor

Post by Jim1 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:23 pm

Malcolm wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:13 pm
Jim1 wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:48 am

Any shred of respect that I had for her is now completely gone.
Perhaps they have an open relationship. Maybe she is polyamorous. Maybe the first guy is gay and they hang out a lot, sleepovers even.

If this were a guy seeing multiple woman, would you feel the same way?

If not, examine yourself for sexist attitudes.

And, it is none of your business.
Of course I'd feel the same way.

And way to pile on here man. Very Buddhist of you.

I just want to say a sincere thank you to the couple people on this thread who tried to help workout attacking me. It's much appreciated and good karma coming your way for sure.
"He who walks in the eightfold noble path with unswerving determination is sure to reach Nirvana." Buddha

Post Reply

Return to “Ethical Conduct”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests