Mid-life Crisis? New directions...

[Thomas_Pynchon]

After a trip home to Canada for a month, I am now back in South East Asia wondering what the heck happened to me. I went with the intention of just chilling out at home for a month, visit family, and enjoy the beautiful clean air and sunshine. Which I did, but I also underwent a very unexpected transformation, and, after 15 years of living in Asia, I made the decision, at age 42 now, to return home, and go back to school to do my teaching certification.

The catch is that I would have to live with my 76 year old mother for the next year, who is still going strong, but I can see that it just isn't going to work; as much as I would like to think that it would. The last two weeks of my stay became so contaminated by the stress of being around my mother, that it effecting my enjoyment of being there. It was such a relief to be back in my own pad on the other side of the world, far away from the apron strings and sadness of my old mother's life. You can't just block that stuff out, it infects you, and becomes like a disease that you can't get rid of, no where to go, trapped. I talked to mother about it, we discussed it all in great length, but our values are just too far apart, my mother is lonely and needy, and would love me to come back and keep her company, but no, that is not what I am going to do.

And yet, I am still feeling the pull to go back; being short on savings there really would be no other choice than to live at home for the next year. I would set up a piano studio there, and teach, while I studied at my old university.

What I discovered when I got back to Asia, was that I could do those prerequisite courses I need by distance learning, which would mean I wouldn't need to rush back for this September. So I could continue to scrape by teaching here while I do those courses by Distance Learning over the next year, go back next summer, then move to Toronto where I would enroll for their master's program for two years to get my k-12 certification.

I am realizing that all of this education at this stage in my life is going to be expensive, and if I went back to Canada and set up a piano studio at my mothers house, while I would love to be in Canada now, and I miss it so much, living with my mother while trying to work and save money, and lead a personal life, would drive me crazy.

So now I have this idea to get a job teaching ESL in Saudi Arabia. Try to save about 40-50k over the next year, then use that for my study of a masters degree and living costs in Toronto. I could do my online distance courses as well, so I would be opting to just focus on working and saving money for the next year. Not crazy about the idea of going to Saudi, but starting to apply for jobs to see how I feel if I get a job offer.

If I went back to Canada, I would be under the stress of living at home, and I would also be a burden on my mother, financially until I can start pulling an income from piano teaching. This is a risk, I don't know if I will be able to get enough students to make it worth while, going to Saudi is also a risk because I might just hate it, or maybe it would be great. Staying where I am in Asia there is no risk, I pretty much know what to expect. It also means staying where I am in life in a way, because there is not much risk, and I know what to expect, it's safe in a way, and I'm tired of it.

After being in Canada last month, a lot of my chronic pain vanished, I didn't feel the need for massage (in asia I usually have it 3 times/week), I didn't have a bath every night, and I started jogging again! A miracle, I have disc problems, and didn't think I would ever be jogging again, but I went jogging almost every day, I was inspired and had an energy which I haven't felt in years. I made up my mind there and then that I needed to come back, for my health, for my peace of mind, and for the silence to get work on composition done. But low savings, and stress from living at home. That is the trade off if I go back to Canada. That and cold whether...

I feel like going to Saudi is the right choice because I desperately need to save money, and then doing everything I can to move to Toronto because that would put me in the heart of a big city where there is lots going on in the arts, and is where I expect I will end up at some point, there's nothing in Asia for me any more. I'm done living here, it no longer serves me in the way it once did. I've changed, feels like I'm moving into the middle years of my life, and I see this as a now-or-never last chance to do my K-12 certification. I see this as an investment in my future, that will open up tutoring, Distributed Learning opportunities, teaching classroom again if I want, in Canada, or internationally. I see this as a way of getting into more solid work conditions and being closer to family and the ones I care for most in the world. And I need the silence Canada has to offer.

I do feel a bit ashamed going back to school at this point in my life, I know I will be studying along side students 12-15 years younger than me, and I feel that people will be thinking I'm a bit old for all this. I don't know, maybe not. Life long learning is what everyone talks about, so what's wrong with this?

I'm pulled to just pack up and go back to Canada, I feel like I just need to do it. If it doesn't work out at the mama's place, I could move or come back, why not? It would be a huge hassle, and actually probably wouldn't be an option because I have no money to burn.

Second I could just stay where I am, scrape by with teaching piano, try to pick up a day job teaching ESL, and wait it out while I do my distance courses.

Or try to go to Saudi, a new adventure, and put away some serious cash, could always bail out at Xmas if it sucks.

I wanted to tie in some non-dual insights, but I will come back to this tomorrow, and first see if anyone wants to make some comments.

Thanks for reading.

[Thomas_Pynchon]

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” --Eckhart Tolle

Just went to my email to find that, so moving back home may seem negative on the surface? Possibly. Or going to Saudi seems negative on the surface? Sure, I guess anything which is new, involves risk, and requires an upheaval of your present circumstances, is going to appear negative on the surface; yes I do see that a new space is opening up in my life, and just when I have resolved to walk out the door and get on a plane to go back home, I stop and say, "no, that just isn't going to work," and feel saddened that I just can't relate to my dear old mother anymore, or be around her sadness, negativity, it effects me in deep ways, and I end up feeling guilty, angry, resentful; wanting to help her, to help heal the family's wounds, try to make us one big happy family again. That feeling is pushing me to go to Saudi, to choose money over my passion (which is music composition), but I tell myself it would be just for a year, or maybe less, then you won't have to worry about not having enough to live and study, and having to burden my mother with assistance until I have built up my piano tutoring business. Oh, what to do...

My intuition says don't choose the money, any TEFLer can go teach ESL in Saudi, but only I can create the music that I do, and maybe with all the motivation I am feeling, I can do more to try and write music for film, and take that year to instead build up some new music, new pieces, take the time to branch into other areas such as film and TV, sound art, electro acoustic music, etc.

Trying to make myself and business more mobile. I want to start an online tutoring business for teaching IELTS and TOEFL, that would be an investment for the future, and one I can do anywhere I go. Teaching piano, and moving into Distributed learning, K-12 home tutoring, all things that can generate income, and which are my own mobile business.

Rambling again, but there seems to be so many factors, and I keep brainstorming then forgetting important points, tossing and turning over which decision is going to be the one that takes me towards greater health, love and happiness.

Thanks

[Jesse]

I'm not sure what the problem is, it seems like you have thing's worked out for the most part. If you want to go on an adventure, why not just save up money and do so? There's nothing wrong with going back to school either.

It seems to me money is the main issue, so I would just save up as much as possible then when you start going to school, and traveling you won't have as much stress. It seems like you have alot of fun plans for the future, I think you should focus more on being happy and just working towards making those plans a reality. No sense is being bummed over small details!

Good luck.

[LastLegend]

I am not sure what it's all about-whether you want to have money to support yourself in years to come or get a certificate to feel accomplished. I feel it's more important to have money during your old age no matter where you choose to live. It's a sign of merit. My father worked for 16 years in the US, now retired and living in Vietnam. My parents both receive retirement money each month. Now all they do is go the temples, give money to sick/poor, and release wild caught animals that are sold to be eaten. They pay to make copies of Dharma DVDs and MP3 audio and distribute (not sell) them at the temples. They give rice and small monetary donations to the temple on a daily/weekly basis. While living in the US, they sent about $10-20 to Charity Organizations every month and had done that for 10 years. The fruit of merit is they don't have to work at old age, in good health, and children and grandchildren are in great health and not hungry. My advise is practice accumulating merits now. It's not too late at all; you are only 42.

[Thomas_Pynchon]

Thanks for those comments.

Yes I suppose it is just that, I want to go back to Canada now, but I am giving up my autonomy to become semi-dependent on my mother, so I see the solution as going to SA to make money which I expect will give me back my autonomy. A step back to go two steps forward.

Another way to look at it, is I have defined the sensations I feel in the body, the sensations or worry, stress, anxiety, and connected those to a cause, my mother. It is a subtle form of blaming external circumstances for how I feel. Rather than saying, 'I choose how I feel, and nothing is going to change that.' (Thinking Bentino Massaro here). So then I see the solution to uncomfortable feeling in the body to be to make money. I believe then that having money can take away the negative feelings in the body. Or that having more money can ever give me permission to feel differently than I do now.

I recall Rupert Spira when he says, 'that so long as we are unaware of our true nature, we will continue to seek fulfillment through relationships, a substance, an activity, etc,' which by definition is a seeking to fulfill a sense of lack. That sense comes in the form of sensations in the body, disturbances in the mind, rather than sensations and disturbances which appear in this infinite field of awareness.

[LastLegend]

Could the anxiety be associated with your current state of health or being able to support yourself financially/emotionally in your old age? I think your Dharma practice has not deepened enough to feel settled. It is the case for me for sure as I often get swept away by anxiety, fears, stress, and worries.

[LastLegend]

I remember suffering comes from birth, old age, sickness, and death.

[Nemo]

I'm about the same age. Teaching degree in Ontario doesn't mean what it did. Takes many years to get full time now. You need to sub for years, on top of the time to make the tuition, get accepted and take the courses. You are 42. You could be almost 50 by the time you are done and working full time. Is that worst case scenario still an acceptable outcome? Unreduced teacher's pension at age 65. It would be enough to get by in your old age, especially in Asia. Being a single male won't help getting hired. When the economy is in the toilet a friend who has a gymnastics studio says extracurriculars for the kids are the first thing that gets cut. It's either Saudi or many years of student debt. Saving 100k in Saudi in 2-3 years could buy you rental property back in Asia. You could retire earlier that way.

[Dan74]

Just to focus on a very small aspect of what you wrote, why Saudi Arabia?

From what I've heard from people who've lived there, there are many better places to go to, including that in very region. Check out expats experiences before committing to moving to another place would be my advice.

[Russell]

After being in Canada last month, a lot of my chronic pain vanished, I didn't feel the need for massage (in asia I usually have it 3 times/week), I didn't have a bath every night, and I started jogging again! A miracle, I have disc problems, and didn't think I would ever be jogging again, but I went jogging almost every day, I was inspired and had an energy which I haven't felt in years. I made up my mind there and then that I needed to come back, for my health, for my peace of mind, and for the silence to get work on composition done. But low savings, and stress from living at home. That is the trade off if I go back to Canada. That and cold whether...

I'm pulled to just pack up and go back to Canada, I feel like I just need to do it. If it doesn't work out at the mama's place, I could move or come back, why not? It would be a huge hassle, and actually probably wouldn't be an option because I have no money to burn.

Probably go back and live with your mother a little bit longer, remember it is only temporary, and your suffering is simply compassion.

[Thomas_Pynchon]

Thanks for those replys.

Why Saudi, well it could be elsewhere, and yes I also hear it can be bad, but its late in the year for hiring, basically there are only recruitment agencies now, and of all the places in the middle east, Saudi will probably pay the most for a one year contract. UAE for the better jobs usually have 3 year contracts I have heard, but I will be applying to where ever is open.

And Nemo, those are good points, yes the cold reality of teaching in Canada (no pun intended), is exactly what you say. The teaching market is saturated, UfToronto has cut all undergraduate programs, and most Unis are now increasing the requirements, and lengthening their programs, to deal with the problem.

I should say that I actually don't intend to teach classroom in the top areas in Canada, I want to move into distributed learning (teaching online) which is growing and much easier to break into. Most post-baccalaureate and post-bachelor degrees certifying teachers in Canada take 1.5 years to complete; so I figure, why not just take two years and get a Masters degree? UfToronto is a top University and the only Uni offering this at the moment - a Master of Teaching degree which includes teaching certification for Ontario.

I already have an MA in applied linguistics & TESOL, so a Masters from Toronto should look good, and give me some decent training. I plan to do the EDDL (Graduate diploma in online learning) from Thompson University, it is all by distance and takes a year to complete, so I thought I would do that for this year, then start my Masters at Toronto next year. That should set me up well for a Distributed learning job in Canada, or a classroom position for that matter. My teaching subjects are music, ESL, and English as a second teachable.

Also, there is always a demand for well qualified teachers in Northern Canada (Nanawut, etc), the pay for those jobs depending on your TQS category, is usually between 70-120K/year. Enough to make living in an Igloo look like fun. But I also figure with those qualification, and my experience, that would also open up the International job market quite well, Int'l jobs, whether it be Asia, SE Asia, or the Middle East, are usually between 4-6K CDN/month.

I also have a B.Music, and teaching piano I charge 50CDN/hour, which isn't bad if you can find the students. It's ironic that I will be spending the next 3 years upgrading my qualifications and spending about 30KCDN (just tuition) to do so, in order to get a distributed learning job that pays 32CDN/hour, and which peaks out after 3 years at 42/h. But the point is that it opens up options that I would not have otherwise. And between teaching piano and having Distributed Learning students, that should provide me with a fairly decent income, and keep me mobile and open to continue working on Composition.

My real passion is composition, I am a composer, but making a living from that is very difficult. I feel that I should just move back to Canada, set up the piano studio, and buckle down trying to get music written, it just isn't something you can do part time, after work, or on weekends. When I have a commission, I spend all day from early morning to night, for usually three months solid to get a piece done. I find it hard to get work done where I am due to noise, I am sick of moving, I feel as though I am being stocked by construction workers, it's like they follow me wherever I go. Or neighbors who slam there doors, etc.

Ah well, I may be just spinning my wheels, there are so many things that I am waiting on at the moment, waiting to hear back from admissions, from students returning from summer holidays, do I really want to go to the middle east just to make money, and ultimately what it is I want to do and achieve for the 'second' part of my life, and what will be the best way to do that.

Thanks again for those replies