PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Casual conversation between friends. Anything goes (almost).
john perry
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by john perry » Wed Jun 15, 2016 7:46 am

You can chant

Nam myoho renge kyo

Pronounced

Nam, like in Viet Nam

Meo ho

Ren- get

Key- oh

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Anders
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by Anders » Wed Jun 15, 2016 8:36 am

Kunga Lhadzom wrote:Whats the best Buddhist practice when your having a panic attack ?
I left this guy, but we've been talking, and I'm trying to support him in getting help, so we talk nearly every day about him getting therapy and going to meetings...and he wants me to call him...
So i just called him a few times a few minutes ago...and he doesn't answer, and i think he's seeing a prostitute.....why should i care ? I don't want to be with him anymore...but this is driving me crazy when he doesn't answer his phone....i just poured myself a drink to try and calm myself down...but i should be meditating ...right ???

Why has my practice and all I know/believe about Buddhism going down the toilet ????
Why can't i get a hold of myself ????


Newbie...
I'm also looking at that web sight you posted...thanks :meditate:
Hi Kunga,

My prayers are with you and I hope you get well through it. I am gladdened to see you get good advice from people here.

Personally, in times of grief, I often found meditation futile. I find chanting works far better in such cases. It is not only easier to do, it also works with the emotional body in more direct ways than meditation.

I don't want to tell you whether you should cut off contact or not. Part of me thinks it is only feeding pain to do so, but maybe you are serving a higher purpose with it. Your innermost heart will have to be the judge of that.

I would suggest however, that if you do not cut off contact, you set clear boundaries and a defined format for how this contact happens. Don't let impulses from either side rule it.

As for practise and Buddhism going down the toilet - It never has. Sometimes, it is helpful to wonder why this is happening for me rather than to me. There is no karma that is not an opportunity for something noble down the road. Manjushri told a story once, in a sutra, how he disbelieved and slandered a teacher who gave the highest teachings to him. As result, he was born in the lower realms for a great many lives. Yet, the very same event was also a direct cause of him eventually becoming a Mahasattva. There are things to be listened to and heard underneath it all. :anjali:
"Even if my body should be burnt to death in the fires of hell
I would endure it for myriad lifetimes
As your companion in practice"

--- Gandavyuha Sutra

Tiago Simões
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by Tiago Simões » Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:08 am

:good:

Like Anders said, meditation with a depressed mind is hopeless. Sessions of prayers is what you need,
I'd recommend longevity prayers, or any devotional prayer!

It's not in my place to tell you how to live your life, but you seem to have become very attached to this man, don't you think this is a good time to ask yourself, why?

I pray you may regain your peace of mind, and be free from all suffering :anjali:
Then, the Licchavi Vimalakīrti spoke to the elder Śāriputra and the great disciples: “Reverends, eat of the food of the Tathāgata! It is ambrosia perfumed by the great compassion. But do not fix your minds in narrow-minded attitudes, lest you be unable to receive its gift.”

- Chapter 9, The Feast Brought by the Emanated Incarnation
The Noble Mahāyāna Sūtra “The Teaching of Vimalakīrti”

narhwal90
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by narhwal90 » Wed Jun 15, 2016 1:11 pm

Addiction maybe maybe not, I would only propose that your business is you and not controlling or monitoring him. You might try going to a few Alanon meetings- not that your issue surrounds alcohol (though maybe there are substances involved)- to see how others handle friends/loved ones with addictions. There are very definitely pathological behaviors that the non-addicts can develop, sometimes as destructive or at least disruptive as the addictions themselves.

OTOH if you go to a few Alanon meetings and identify with the people there, you might find a lot of support and common ground with them. The face-to-face sharing of experience & hope in those meetings has been tremendously valuable to me.

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Ayu
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by Ayu » Wed Jun 15, 2016 1:48 pm

narhwal90 wrote:Addiction maybe maybe not, I would only propose that your business is you and not controlling or monitoring him. You might try going to a few Alanon meetings- not that your issue surrounds alcohol (though maybe there are substances involved)- to see how others handle friends/loved ones with addictions. There are very definitely pathological behaviors that the non-addicts can develop, sometimes as destructive or at least disruptive as the addictions themselves.

OTOH if you go to a few Alanon meetings and identify with the people there, you might find a lot of support and common ground with them. The face-to-face sharing of experience & hope in those meetings has been tremendously valuable to me.
:good:
... as most posts in this thread.
My very best wishes to you Kunga Lhadzom and your friend. :group:
For the benefit and ease of all sentient beings. :heart:

newbie
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by newbie » Thu Jun 16, 2016 2:38 pm

@Kunga:
The one thing that I like most is that you were not afraid to address the issue.
:namaste:

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 3:29 pm

I also want to address all that have responded here...but my energy level is low after those drinks and staying up too late the other night...and of course the added stress I've experienced. ..

As far as addressing this issue....it's Epidemic. ..worldwide. ..not only in my life...but MILLIONS AND MILLIONS....AND ZILLIONS throughout. history....it's like a cancer in the fabric of humanity...can you imagine the toxic energy it creates here ????

I can't imagine what a Mahasiddha would say or think about it....but I've been trying to....to help heal my shattered mind....

All those prostitutes are me...are Shakti...
Longchenpa says EVERYTHING IS EQUAL....
( meaning what....all is EMPTY )

Oh...and everything is POSITIVE ...so hard to see that when your not Enlightened....the only positive thing is that it motivates some people to help others or to see a cancer cell and remove it....there will always be a way manipulate energy to work for you..

I have a hard time dealing with this SEX ADDICTION because I am very far from knowing directly and profoundly the absolute truth of reality....

My response is of someone not yet Enlightened. ..
Last edited by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha on Thu Jun 16, 2016 4:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 3:36 pm

I also just want you to know...my ex is healing already....he said he hasn't seen a hooker since all this happened. ...nor has he master bated for 2 weeks..also said his lust has deminished a lot...

.I want to believe this....but he is a master of deception. ..

Russell
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by Russell » Thu Jun 16, 2016 5:06 pm

You dont have to know how to help someone else.

It is the other way around, what you know about you can help people with.

Also as a Buddhist we commit to helping all beings and all problems, not just one being and one problem, so gradually we learn and develop the capacity to do this.

Of course when loved ones are suffering it inspires us, so if you think you are going to anyway, then deliebrately allow yourself to carry on trying to help your friend with this specific problem but gradually bring it into perspective with the above attitudes.

Becausue a big part of this as people have mentioned is you need to be able to detach a little to help needy people. Otherwise you are not helping them get well you are helping them stay sick and co dependent.

But you can do it gradually. Main thing is to keep watching your own mind throughout all the phases of this. Recognise the craziness involved, acknowledge that although it is suffering you are getting excitment and drama out of it or some benefits yourself which are feeding your own addictive behaviours. Then you can start to see the longer term patterns and start implementing longer term strategies. (I dont mean you are particularly crazy, so not something to beat yourself up about, just acknowlege the craziness of addictions that is part of the human condition.)

Retraining your mind this way will help you to relax a bit maybe..
:shrug:

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:01 pm

Yes..you are right, about all this .
I don't know why I feel COMPELLED to help him...I also seem to be ABLE to separate my RAGE/TRAUMA (self)
And my COMPASSIONATE (self)

One minute I'm praising him for getting help for himself...then a few hours later I'll have a anxiety attack , and lash out at him...

I eventually will get into therapy...the System Is too slow in helping people in this situation (the partners that are traumatized )

So I'm learning via the internet...self teach/help now....at least I'm trying to get a handle on this instead of going completely nuts...I gotta keep my head together, can't afford to screw up...it's not an option. ..

BUT I AM QUITE AWARE I need to heal myself before I can help others......and being a natural healer myself...I feel compelled to always help others....

sattva
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by sattva » Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:54 pm

Hi Kunga,
I found this list of books for you on Amazon. Some have really good ratings. Hope you find some that help. Book one and three are highly Christian in nature, but a couple of the kindle books and the book, FACING HEARTBREAK looks promising. The link to the Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center looks interesting as well. Keep in touch!
Hugs,
Louise
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss ... ex+addicts

http://www.posarc.com/

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:10 pm

Thanks Sattva,
The funny thing is...my heart is not broken & I haven't felt love for him since I found out the first time he did this 25 years ago...I only stayed with him for the kids & security



My big issue with him is the betrayal. ...living a double life...and wasteING my time and all these years How UTTERLY SELFISH OF him to prevent me from knowing and having a relationship with a loving committed partner

What mistake that is, because the kids now have a sex addict father for a role model. ...i feel so bad for them...all I ever wanted for them was to have a father...because i never had one, and my mother never had one....so it was a big deal for me...

I get kinda turned off with the Christian prosletizing books and videos....so i just ignore the religious stuff...and try to listen to the rest....

Thanks Satttva....i'll check them out...
Last edited by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha on Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sattva
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by sattva » Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:12 pm

I forgot to ask you have you been in touch with your teacher? I often turn to my teacher when I am going through a crisis.

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:20 pm

Yeah...I told him....he was very sorry...didn't say much...he
Really liked him and always encouraged me to stay with him....that's another BIG reason I stayed so long....

:crying:

sattva
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by sattva » Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:53 pm

:heart: :heart: :heart:

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:26 pm

Kunga Lhadzom wrote:My big issue with him is the betrayal.
And how could even betray myself...having sex (like a prostitute), without love...it killed me every time...how i could do that...made me HATE sex .
But i did it because i thought it was the way of a bodhisattva....let them use your body for their pleasure, etc.

https://books.google.com/books?id=BOWlB ... re&f=false

:crying:


A few months before this all happened, i told my teacher i wanted to die, it was so unbearable (being in this relationship)

fckw
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by fckw » Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:57 pm

Kunga Lhadzom wrote:Yes, I'm on hold now...waiting to make my appointment...I've been soooooo busy with so many things, it kinda slipped my mind...but i know it's of vital importance to get a medical check up and testing for STD'S / HIV

This wont be the first time I've been tested with this guy I've been with...I never trusted him..and would periodically get tested for my own peace of mind....

Thank You Newbie :heart:
Just for my understanding: How is it possible you are together with someone for 25 years - but actually never trusted the person? Or am I confusing something here now?

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:15 pm

I had 2 little kids , and not financially independant...and also gave him the benefit of the doubt. ...i tried to trust him for my own sanity...but my intuition was trying to tell me otherwise....through dreams, etc. But i didn't trust my intuition. ..as it is not recognized as valid or trustworthy ....mostly by men

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Thu Jun 16, 2016 10:34 pm

Also i know for a fact, and intuitively, that my intelligence and innate wisdom has been shattered by many individuals...so as to make me feel incompetent to reason logically. So I had low self esteeem...I have been abused mentally by him, and others to the point of questioning my own sanity
and intelligence..

narhwal90
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

Post by narhwal90 » Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:00 pm

Acting upon the compulsion to help is often the cause of friends and family members driving themselves crazy trying to help an addict. Relapse is also normal for addicts. Not everyone is an addict, some have a problem but given sufficient cause they can walk away. Alignment of speech and behavior is what distinguishes the two categories. An addict will adroitly manipulate all around him or her to maintain the addiction, saying whatever is required and structuring conflict so they can justify and/or hide their own behavior. That includes emotional and physical abuse of those around them.

There are people who live serenely if not happily with active addiction- I don't think I could swing it myself- but to do so a very high degree of mindfulness and compassion is continuously required. Speaking as someone with several family members who have had alcohol issues in the past, I was clueless despite being obsessively focussed on trying to understand why things were so crazy & painful- I was entirely outsmarted by the alcoholic despite them being daily drunk & mixing with xanax vs me sober. In fact I was bringing most of my own pain & confusion via the attachment & obsession.

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