What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

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bcol01
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What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

Post by bcol01 » Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:38 pm

What is the best way to handle someone who is insensitive and indifferent towards you? I have a relative who no matter how I try to reach out to her, she just never takes an interest in being a part of my life. When I tell her how hurtful this feels to me, she blames me rather than addressing her own behavior towards me. She seems to be want to be close to me but yet she doesn't want to take any responsibility for her own behavior towards me. Instead, it's all my fault.

I love and care about her but I just feel gaslighted and devalued. I'm really not sure how to deal with this. It's rather hard to just flip a switch and not care if she is ever in my life again or not. What do I do?

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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

Post by PadmaVonSamba » Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:05 pm

That's just how it is sometimes.
So, as the Buddha taught... suffering.
You just can't change some people.

But, consider that most of the billions of people in the world likewise do not even know you exist, much less care.
But does that concern you? no.
So, then you have to examine why it is that with this person, it matters. Usually, of course,
it's because that person is a relative.

So, it is because you have a special category for them, that's why it matters.
So, the Buddhist approach might be, don't ask how to change the other person's attitude toward you,
but instead, look at tour own thoughts, your own mind, and focus on why it matters what they do.
You might discover that it isn't about them at all, but about your own needs, which are , of course, universal.
Nobody wants to feel rejected.
But, if you feel it's a problem they have, and you can accept them with that problem, then that's enough.
There may be other things preventing her from getting to close. You never know. So, sometimes people just need extra space.

Keep in mind that you can also practice equal compassion for all beings, and that's enough in itself.
Just as the Sun shines everywhere equally, on all beings, whether they enjoy it or stay hidden in a cave, the Sun doesn't care.
So, be like that, just wishing for others to be happy regardless of whether they notice you or not,
that can cut through feelings of rejection.
.
.
.
Profile Picture: "The Fo Ming (Buddha Bright) Monk"
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tkp67
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Re: What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

Post by tkp67 » Mon Dec 02, 2019 8:25 pm

Embrace the practice because the process you are experiencing is it working

nichiren discusses the signs of disease such as discomfort are actually signs that is being healed because those signs are part of the process

which if it wasn't working wouldn't be experienced

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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Mon Dec 02, 2019 10:11 pm

bcol01 wrote:
Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:38 pm
What is the best way to handle someone who is insensitive and indifferent towards you? I have a relative who no matter how I try to reach out to her, she just never takes an interest in being a part of my life. When I tell her how hurtful this feels to me, she blames me rather than addressing her own behavior towards me. She seems to be want to be close to me but yet she doesn't want to take any responsibility for her own behavior towards me. Instead, it's all my fault.

I love and care about her but I just feel gaslighted and devalued. I'm really not sure how to deal with this. It's rather hard to just flip a switch and not care if she is ever in my life again or not. What do I do?
Some people are not emotionally mature enough to have reciprocal relationships, that's the long and short of it.

You can either set boundaries, and simply limit what you're willing to give when you receive nothing in return, or you can extend yourself and expect nothing in return. Most Buddhists aspire to #2 I think, but in practice it's pretty difficult to be in a one sided relationship of any sort, and it might not be good for her in the long run either, letting her go unchecked and still giving of yourself.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

-James Low

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Hazel
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Joined: Mon Sep 23, 2019 11:15 pm

Re: What is the best way to handle insensitivity and indifference?

Post by Hazel » Tue Dec 03, 2019 1:04 am

PadmaVonSamba wrote:
Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:05 pm
That's just how it is sometimes.
So, as the Buddha taught... suffering.
You just can't change some people.

But, consider that most of the billions of people in the world likewise do not even know you exist, much less care.
But does that concern you? no.
So, then you have to examine why it is that with this person, it matters. Usually, of course,
it's because that person is a relative.

So, it is because you have a special category for them, that's why it matters.
So, the Buddhist approach might be, don't ask how to change the other person's attitude toward you,
but instead, look at tour own thoughts, your own mind, and focus on why it matters what they do.
You might discover that it isn't about them at all, but about your own needs, which are , of course, universal.
Nobody wants to feel rejected.
But, if you feel it's a problem they have, and you can accept them with that problem, then that's enough.
There may be other things preventing her from getting to close. You never know. So, sometimes people just need extra space.

Keep in mind that you can also practice equal compassion for all beings, and that's enough in itself.
Just as the Sun shines everywhere equally, on all beings, whether they enjoy it or stay hidden in a cave, the Sun doesn't care.
So, be like that, just wishing for others to be happy regardless of whether they notice you or not,
that can cut through feelings of rejection.
.
.
.
:good: :good: :good: (as always PadmaVonSamba)

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