If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post Reply
bcol01
Posts: 138
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by bcol01 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:53 pm

Hi everyone! So the reason I'm asking this question is because I currently am blogging about Nichiren Buddhism and I want to share a bit about my life, how I grew up and what I went through. My family has my blog address and I'm worried that my mother (whom I have an estranged relationship with) or others in my family will be upset because I'm speaking my truth. I don't want to upset them but I must share my life story so that I can express myself and hopefully heal and be a source of encouragement to others. My mother was very neglectful towards me growing up and I've never really been allowed to talk about the things I've gone through. I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.

User avatar
Queequeg
Global Moderator
Posts: 6455
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:24 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Queequeg » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:14 pm

Ride the dharma where it takes you.
Those who, even with distracted minds,
Entered a stupa compound
And chanted but once, “Namo Buddhaya!”
Have certainly attained the path of the buddhas.

-Lotus Sutra, Expedient Means Chapter

There are beings with little dust in their eyes who are falling away because they do not hear the Dhamma. There will be those who will understand the Dhamma.
-Ayacana Sutta

User avatar
Coëmgenu
Posts: 1812
Joined: Thu Jun 02, 2016 11:35 pm
Location: Whitby, Ontario

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Coëmgenu » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:20 pm

bcol01 wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:53 pm
I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.
My advice? Seperate your blog. If it is that big an issue, don't stir it up. Especially if she will be negative towards Buddhism as a result of it. Make your blog seperate from your family.
佛子。如來智慧。無相智慧。無閡智慧。具足在於眾生身中。但愚癡眾生顛倒想覆。不知不見不生信心。
O, sons and daughters. The Thus-Gone's wisdom. The signless wisdom. The unobstructed wisdom. It perfectly dwells within all sentient beings’ minds. Yet in ignorance, sentient beings err and think it covered. Not knowing, not seeing, not giving rise to faith.
Āryamaitreyanāthasyottarekayānaratnagotraśāstra T1611.827b20

User avatar
Minobu
Posts: 2156
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:57 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Minobu » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:39 pm

Queequeg wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:14 pm
Ride the dharma where it takes you.
and when the wave breaks you become the foam and then the wave ripple on the sand only to be sucked into the Ocean.
salvation is a rip tide.

User avatar
Vasana
Posts: 1747
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:22 am

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Vasana » Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:20 pm

Yep, someimes silence is more helpful than honesty and sometimes honesty is more helpful than silence bbut only when shared at the right time and in the right circumstances. A nice fitting quote ( but generally misattributed to the Buddha),

If it is not truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is not truthful yet helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and helpful, wait for the right time.'


Canonical quote from the Buddha which more or less says the same thing.

“Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?

“It is spoken at the right time.
It is spoken in truth.
It is spoken affectionately.
It is spoken beneficially.
It is spoken with a mind of good-will.

A statement endowed with these five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people.”
'When alone, watch your mind. When with others, watch your speech'- Old Kadampa saying.

User avatar
Queequeg
Global Moderator
Posts: 6455
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:24 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Queequeg » Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:40 pm

Vasana wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:20 pm
Yep, someimes silence is more helpful than honesty and sometimes honesty is more helpful than silence bbut only when shared at the right time and in the right circumstances. A nice fitting quote ( but generally misattributed to the Buddha),

If it is not truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is not truthful yet helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and helpful, wait for the right time.'


Canonical quote from the Buddha which more or less says the same thing.

“Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?

“It is spoken at the right time.
It is spoken in truth.
It is spoken affectionately.
It is spoken beneficially.
It is spoken with a mind of good-will.

A statement endowed with these five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people.”
Those are great quotes.
Those who, even with distracted minds,
Entered a stupa compound
And chanted but once, “Namo Buddhaya!”
Have certainly attained the path of the buddhas.

-Lotus Sutra, Expedient Means Chapter

There are beings with little dust in their eyes who are falling away because they do not hear the Dhamma. There will be those who will understand the Dhamma.
-Ayacana Sutta

bcol01
Posts: 138
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by bcol01 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 10:22 pm

How poetic of you :)

:twothumbsup:
Minobu wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:39 pm
Queequeg wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:14 pm
Ride the dharma where it takes you.
and when the wave breaks you become the foam and then the wave ripple on the sand only to be sucked into the Ocean.
salvation is a rip tide.

User avatar
seeker242
Posts: 1342
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:50 pm
Location: South Florida, USA

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by seeker242 » Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:25 am

The criteria for deciding what is worth saying

[1] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial (or: not connected with the goal), unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

[2] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

[3] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, but unendearing & disagreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them.

[4] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.

[5] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.

[6] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing & agreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them. Why is that? Because the Tathagata has sympathy for living beings."

— MN 58
One should not kill any living being, nor cause it to be killed, nor should one incite any other to kill. Do never injure any being, whether strong or weak, in this entire universe!

User avatar
Ayu
Former staff member
Posts: 7010
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:25 am
Location: Europe

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by Ayu » Sun Nov 19, 2017 10:12 am

My mother-in-law was a bit similar. I think, if you have to express yourself, you should not be silenced.
The best idea is to create a new blog address and not mention it to your family.

On the other hand, if Buddhism is not concerned, I think, a little homeopathic dose of honesty is very important for those mothers. Truth is a strong medicine. It's not necessary to beat people up with it. But a little hint gives her the chance to find out the truth by herself.

Again on the other hand, not everything we regard as truth is really true. For this reason it is very important to listen and observe.
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

User avatar
bokki
Posts: 243
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:45 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by bokki » Sun Nov 19, 2017 3:47 pm

I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.
please, my friend, try to see your mother and hug her. forget what has been, forgive her and yourself. even if she does not respond, or declines, please, bro, know that you have done what is right, by you and your mother.
try to be a friend to your mom.
i know its hard, but lets be men and do right.
blog? who cares..
Another log on the fire,
10,000 frogs singing in the rain,
burst into flames.
- Linda Anderson

illarraza
Posts: 633
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:30 am

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by illarraza » Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:16 am

bcol01 wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:53 pm
Hi everyone! So the reason I'm asking this question is because I currently am blogging about Nichiren Buddhism and I want to share a bit about my life, how I grew up and what I went through. My family has my blog address and I'm worried that my mother (whom I have an estranged relationship with) or others in my family will be upset because I'm speaking my truth. I don't want to upset them but I must share my life story so that I can express myself and hopefully heal and be a source of encouragement to others. My mother was very neglectful towards me growing up and I've never really been allowed to talk about the things I've gone through. I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.
Would you please post your blog URL?

Mark

bcol01
Posts: 138
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by bcol01 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:31 pm

I actually deleted recently. Deciding on a new title.

illarraza wrote:
Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:16 am
bcol01 wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:53 pm
Hi everyone! So the reason I'm asking this question is because I currently am blogging about Nichiren Buddhism and I want to share a bit about my life, how I grew up and what I went through. My family has my blog address and I'm worried that my mother (whom I have an estranged relationship with) or others in my family will be upset because I'm speaking my truth. I don't want to upset them but I must share my life story so that I can express myself and hopefully heal and be a source of encouragement to others. My mother was very neglectful towards me growing up and I've never really been allowed to talk about the things I've gone through. I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.
Would you please post your blog URL?

Mark

illarraza
Posts: 633
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:30 am

Re: If our honesty is hurtful to some, should we remain silent?

Post by illarraza » Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:38 am

bcol01 wrote:
Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:31 pm
I actually deleted recently. Deciding on a new title.

illarraza wrote:
Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:16 am
bcol01 wrote:
Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:53 pm
Hi everyone! So the reason I'm asking this question is because I currently am blogging about Nichiren Buddhism and I want to share a bit about my life, how I grew up and what I went through. My family has my blog address and I'm worried that my mother (whom I have an estranged relationship with) or others in my family will be upset because I'm speaking my truth. I don't want to upset them but I must share my life story so that I can express myself and hopefully heal and be a source of encouragement to others. My mother was very neglectful towards me growing up and I've never really been allowed to talk about the things I've gone through. I feel like even though my mother and I haven't seen one another in over 16 years, she still has me bullied into silence. Just need some advice.
Would you please post your blog URL?

Mark
Let me know when you've decided. Good luck with the new blog. Very important that people hear us.

Mark

Post Reply

Return to “Nichiren”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: shaunc and 26 guests