How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post Reply
bcol01
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by bcol01 » Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:00 pm

I'm just seeking advise here from a Nichiren Buddhist perspective.

User avatar
The Cicada
Posts: 782
Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:15 am
Location: Trumpaloka

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by The Cicada » Sat Feb 10, 2018 10:27 pm

Any advice I give should be taken with a lick of the salt block they use for horses. Nonetheless, this is likely your karma for participating in this dynamic often throughout the beginningless past. You should practice and resolve to break the cycle so that you are not abused and do not again become the abuser.

User avatar
Minobu
Posts: 2117
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:57 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by Minobu » Sun Feb 11, 2018 8:27 pm

everything that i did not face and complete when i quit chanting over 20 years ago....has come back to haunt me in a new form...it's actually quite cool to watch...new people ...old karma emerging in my life...it's uncanny...but i know it all will pass and go away...and so far...i'm spot on with that assessment.

to watch the same scene played out with new characters and know where it will go....priceless.

markatex
Posts: 295
Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2009 1:33 am

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by markatex » Mon Feb 12, 2018 3:28 am

Punch and delete

dude
Posts: 614
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 3:38 am

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by dude » Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:39 pm

bcol01 wrote:
Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:00 pm
I'm just seeking advise here from a Nichiren Buddhist perspective.
First of all, I'm worried about your safety. Are you being physically abused? Mentally?
Please let me know asap, I care.

User avatar
Queequeg
Global Moderator
Posts: 5761
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:24 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by Queequeg » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:32 pm

One of the core teachings of ichinen sanzen is our deep connection to the beings and environment around us. When we change at the deepest aspect of our lives, our mind (ichinen), we are transformed at the grosser levels of our mind and body. This part is probably easy to believe - when we are happy and confident, our health and mood is better and navigating the world is just easier. What is maybe a little more difficult to believe is that when we change at the level of ichinen, so are the other beings and environment around us, instantaneously. We say, the people and environment around us are a reflection of ourselves - this goes for the good and for the bad. We create the patterns around us, whether its in the ordering of the material world or in the dynamics of the relationships we have.

To put it sort of coarsely, when we chant, we "access" our Buddhanature and increasingly embody it in our mind and body. This in turn resonates in the environment and in other beings who in turn respond with their Buddhanature.

Put it another way, as you chant and continue to chant, your ichinen increasingly conforms with your Buddhanature which in turn gives you what I would describe as pliant strength - not a rigid strength. By pliant I mean that while you develop "weight" in your bearing, it is also responsive, constructively, to the people and the world around you - we also call this compassion, sympathy, empathy - its our natural innate ability to relate to the beings and world around us. When we are spiritually strong, we are able to interact in a stable manner. When we are spiritually weak, that same ability to relate to the world becomes a source of weight and detriment, holding us in its negative patterns, and feeling like it imposes on us. But, the patterns around us are our own making, many we unwittingly and ignorantly set in motion over aeons; others of those patterns are incredibly good that we worked hard to establish - we've achieved a rare human birth due to those patterns. The key is to cultivate the buddhanature feedback loop.

As people suggested above, this is your karma. There is only one way real and constructive way to deal with it, and that is to engage it through Buddhist practice and change those patterns.

Practically and simply put - work on yourself and develop the strength so that you are not detrimentally affected by loved ones in such modes toward you, and instead, when your own being is developed, you'll actually be a positive influence that will help the other person change those aspects about themselves that are so obviously expressions of their own unhappiness. We do this by developing a strong and stable Buddhist practice with the Daimoku at its foundation.
Those who, even with distracted minds,
Entered a stupa compound
And chanted but once, “Namo Buddhaya!”
Have certainly attained the path of the buddhas.

-Lotus Sutra, Expedient Means Chapter

I think each human being has things to find out in his own life that are inescapable. They’ll find them out the easy way or the hard way, or whatever.
-Jerry Garcia

User avatar
Minobu
Posts: 2117
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:57 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by Minobu » Wed Feb 14, 2018 5:18 pm

great post "Q" ...really something people should read and take to heart..

recently I had an AH HA ! moment about something.

I've been doing a lot work with the the so called Ichinen Sanzen Gohonzon .
With so many thanks to our resident Narwhal we can still view it online HERE

So on This Gohonzon are depicted Kishimojin and Jūrasetsunyo - (The Ten Rākṣasīs) who are the ten demons from Chapter 26.

Now I was never instructed anything about Them and just sort of thought of Them as Protectors. Like really Heavy Duty Protectors no one in their right mind would mess with.

But i had this moment where i though maybe just maybe They are actually devouring my negativity. All those little things that hold us back from longer sessions of chanting, keeping one's mind focused whilst chanting, and on into my personality and negative stuff i need to work on.

So Manjushri is also depicted on This Gohonzon and another Bodhisattva , so I concentrate on the Two Lotus Sutra Protectors to clear the way inwardly for These Functions of The Two Bodhisattvas to develop.

I'm sure this will grow and maybe if others take up the practice i just described it will grow in ways I have not thought of as of yet.


It has really helped me .

bcol01
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by bcol01 » Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:15 am

I appreciate that. You've given me much to chew on. But what if reaching out to this person is harmful to us?
Queequeg wrote:
Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:32 pm
One of the core teachings of ichinen sanzen is our deep connection to the beings and environment around us. When we change at the deepest aspect of our lives, our mind (ichinen), we are transformed at the grosser levels of our mind and body. This part is probably easy to believe - when we are happy and confident, our health and mood is better and navigating the world is just easier. What is maybe a little more difficult to believe is that when we change at the level of ichinen, so are the other beings and environment around us, instantaneously. We say, the people and environment around us are a reflection of ourselves - this goes for the good and for the bad. We create the patterns around us, whether its in the ordering of the material world or in the dynamics of the relationships we have.

To put it sort of coarsely, when we chant, we "access" our Buddhanature and increasingly embody it in our mind and body. This in turn resonates in the environment and in other beings who in turn respond with their Buddhanature.

Put it another way, as you chant and continue to chant, your ichinen increasingly conforms with your Buddhanature which in turn gives you what I would describe as pliant strength - not a rigid strength. By pliant I mean that while you develop "weight" in your bearing, it is also responsive, constructively, to the people and the world around you - we also call this compassion, sympathy, empathy - its our natural innate ability to relate to the beings and world around us. When we are spiritually strong, we are able to interact in a stable manner. When we are spiritually weak, that same ability to relate to the world becomes a source of weight and detriment, holding us in its negative patterns, and feeling like it imposes on us. But, the patterns around us are our own making, many we unwittingly and ignorantly set in motion over aeons; others of those patterns are incredibly good that we worked hard to establish - we've achieved a rare human birth due to those patterns. The key is to cultivate the buddhanature feedback loop.

As people suggested above, this is your karma. There is only one way real and constructive way to deal with it, and that is to engage it through Buddhist practice and change those patterns.

Practically and simply put - work on yourself and develop the strength so that you are not detrimentally affected by loved ones in such modes toward you, and instead, when your own being is developed, you'll actually be a positive influence that will help the other person change those aspects about themselves that are so obviously expressions of their own unhappiness. We do this by developing a strong and stable Buddhist practice with the Daimoku at its foundation.

bcol01
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by bcol01 » Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:15 am

No I'm ok, thank you.
dude wrote:
Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:39 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:00 pm
I'm just seeking advise here from a Nichiren Buddhist perspective.
First of all, I'm worried about your safety. Are you being physically abused? Mentally?
Please let me know asap, I care.

User avatar
Queequeg
Global Moderator
Posts: 5761
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:24 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by Queequeg » Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:46 pm

bcol01 wrote:
Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:15 am
I appreciate that. You've given me much to chew on. But what if reaching out to this person is harmful to us?
I don't know for sure. It's something you need to figure out. You may need to consult a mental health professional to help sort your feelings. Taking your comment on face value, , limiting contact with them might be appropriate.
Those who, even with distracted minds,
Entered a stupa compound
And chanted but once, “Namo Buddhaya!”
Have certainly attained the path of the buddhas.

-Lotus Sutra, Expedient Means Chapter

I think each human being has things to find out in his own life that are inescapable. They’ll find them out the easy way or the hard way, or whatever.
-Jerry Garcia

bcol01
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by bcol01 » Sun Feb 18, 2018 4:13 am

That's all I needed was a face value reply lol
Queequeg wrote:
Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:46 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:15 am
I appreciate that. You've given me much to chew on. But what if reaching out to this person is harmful to us?
I don't know for sure. It's something you need to figure out. You may need to consult a mental health professional to help sort your feelings. Taking your comment on face value, , limiting contact with them might be appropriate.

jgcaap
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:41 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by jgcaap » Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:56 pm

Hello .. I am actually on the side where I am "abusive" but it is not on purpose. How did you solve this? I want to change.

User avatar
PSM
Posts: 139
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:15 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by PSM » Tue Apr 24, 2018 5:10 pm

jgcaap wrote:
Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:56 pm
Hello .. I am actually on the side where I am "abusive" but it is not on purpose. How did you solve this? I want to change.
I strongly recommend "How to be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration" and "How to be an Adult in Love" by David Richo.
"The only virtue which cannot be faked is courage" - Nassim Nicholas Taleb
"We don't want to feel the weirdness of life." - James Low

jgcaap
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:41 pm

Re: How do we deal with a loved one who is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive to our feelings?

Post by jgcaap » Wed Apr 25, 2018 9:36 pm

bought both. Thanks

Post Reply

Return to “Nichiren”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: gohonzon and 16 guests