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Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
by bcol01
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm
by Miroku
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?
Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
by bcol01
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?
Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:42 pm
by 明安 Myoan
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?
Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.
Maybe, but will you respond to the annoyance privately in your own mind, or will you expect someone else to conform to your expectations?
Consider that even if they are at fault, how likely are they to realize it if you treat them with impatience?

It takes time, practice, and lots of failures to see the value of the paramitas. They simply make your own life easier, and everyone else's too.
Patience is one of them, and it's often difficult to actually endure in the moment. That's why it's a training.

(sorry for all the post edits, lots o typos today)

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:13 pm
by Johnny Dangerous
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?
Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.

Our reactions and perceptions of others is our karmic vision. A person who is 'naturally' one thing or another appears completely differently to someone else.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:20 pm
by bcol01
I guess my question is how to respond in my mind.
Monlam Tharchin wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:42 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm


Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.
Maybe, but will you respond to the annoyance privately in your own mind, or will you expect someone else to conform to your expectations?
Consider that even if they are at fault, how likely are they to realize it if you treat them with impatience?

It takes time, practice, and lots of failures to see the value of the paramitas. They simply make your own life easier, and everyone else's too.
Patience is one of them, and it's often difficult to actually endure in the moment. That's why it's a training.

(sorry for all the post edits, lots o typos today)

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:41 pm
by 明安 Myoan
The response in your mind is to patiently resume your practice :smile:

That way, you enjoy two immediate benefits:
You've relinquished the suffering of aversion, which benefits you both.
You've taken up a wholesome Dharma object, a reminder of your commitment to all beings.

With such a mind, you're better equipped to handle any situation... or to learn from it at least.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:44 pm
by Miroku
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:49 pm
Does having compassion towards someone mean that we must be all nice & pretend they don't annoy the heck out of us?
Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.
It is a habit. :D So to a certain degree yes it is. I know several people who never did anything bad to me, nothing really, but I dislike them just from a look. Something about them makes me want to go berserk. Its most probably old karma a habit from god knows when. Should I be mean at them? Nope. Buddha said we should master our minds, that means that we train in meditation, which will help us discover these moments before we are swept into reactions and use them to change it. For example when somebody makes you angry, try to develop compassion, or love, how? By thinking for example "oh this person makes me angry, that is so generous of them they give me a chance to practice". I can recommend reading some books on 8 verses on training of mind, or maybe if you have sth that talks about it in Nichiren Buddhism. Maybe you can try to chant daimoku when you start feeling anger.
Sorry my English is getting worse. Hope it helps.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:49 pm
by 明安 Myoan
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:44 pm
"oh this person makes me angry, that is so generous of them they give me a chance to practice"
:bow: :bow: :bow:

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:02 pm
by bcol01
It is rather difficult to see the annoying things people do as opportunities to practice or deepen our practice but you're right; they are and I do see your point.
Easier said than done but definitely food for thought. Thank you.
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:44 pm
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:35 pm
But isn't it only natural to be annoyed by certain people?
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 pm


Well if you feel sincere compassion you do not get annoyed in the first place. Buddhism is not about thinking that feeling some emotion is bad.Iits more of a way of noticing that certain actions, thoughts and emotions make us miserable and changing them into positive ones while also working on the root of the cause.
It is a habit. :D So to a certain degree yes it is. I know several people who never did anything bad to me, nothing really, but I dislike them just from a look. Something about them makes me want to go berserk. Its most probably old karma a habit from god knows when. Should I be mean at them? Nope. Buddha said we should master our minds, that means that we train in meditation, which will help us discover these moments before we are swept into reactions and use them to change it. For example when somebody makes you angry, try to develop compassion, or love, how? By thinking for example "oh this person makes me angry, that is so generous of them they give me a chance to practice". I can recommend reading some books on 8 verses on training of mind, or maybe if you have sth that talks about it in Nichiren Buddhism. Maybe you can try to chant daimoku when you start feeling anger.
Sorry my English is getting worse. Hope it helps.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:03 pm
by bcol01
I'm definitely getting better at reacting proactively so yay for that eh? 😁
Monlam Tharchin wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:41 pm
The response in your mind is to patiently resume your practice :smile:

That way, you enjoy two immediate benefits:
You've relinquished the suffering of aversion, which benefits you both.
You've taken up a wholesome Dharma object, a reminder of your commitment to all beings.

With such a mind, you're better equipped to handle any situation... or to learn from it at least.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:05 pm
by Miroku
bcol01 wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:02 pm
It is rather difficult to see the annoying things people do as opportunities to practice or deepen our practice but you're right; they are and I do see your point.
Easier said than done but definitely food for thought. Thank you.
Miroku wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:44 pm
Heh, no worries we are all on the way to get there. I have not really gotten there. Just parroting my teachers' words. A lot of practice is needed for that, plus with practice you get less annoyed, soo its a win win situation.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:56 pm
by Johnny Dangerous
I do not know how Nichiren Buddhism would address this problem, not being a practitioner of it. Never sure whether you want to confine these interesting ethical discussions to Nichiren practitioners or want wider input, so feel free to ignore. There are basically two strategies I've encountered in the traditions I've been involved in (Mainly Vajrayana, a bit of Zen). One is the standard Mahayana approach where you use your relative condition (and theirs) to generate compassion by exchanging self and other, typified by verses by Santideva, Lojong practices etc. The other way is to look directly at your own Karmic vision and see the true nature of your annoyance with them, here compassion will spontaneously arise.

Either way, one thing I do know is that its's less about wanting yourself to feel something different than you are, and more about adding some additional space to way you are looking at things.

Re: Is it ok to be annoyed with someone?

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:04 am
by dude
President Ikeda says "Chant for the person who causes you the most trouble."

The Dalai Lama once commented on karma, saying "If you are beaten with a stick, hating the one that beats you is as pointless as hating the stick."

Everything that happens in this secular world is a perfectly matched record of our karma from past lives. We've known the people around us in other lifetimes, maybe a great many lifetimes.
We're all human, and one of the Eight Sufferings is to have to deal with people you hate. That's just an element of the way life is in this world. I think the above advice to gently resume practice is good.