Wanting control over other's feelings

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby flowerbudh » Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:34 am

I need to work on this. A lot. Are there any sutras on craving to influence over others (mainly by ways of emotional/mental coercion) and how to cease this behaviour?
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha

Sherab Rigdrol
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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby Sherab Rigdrol » Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:06 am

This book will help you out greatly. I sure wish I had this information when I was your age.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science- ... s=attached

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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby Konchog1 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:21 am

Desire for control is usually caused by fears of losing control and thus abandonment. This from personal experience.

Helpful thoughts for me is thinking that I do have control, my retinue and their loyalty is determined largely by my karma. And my karma is under my total control.

Also, I reflect on the beginningless and endless nature of Samsara. I also use this same reflection for other things too, but in this case, I think that in the past I was an emperor with millions of adoring subjects and also a hated chandala. Countless times and everything is between countless times too. So why cling to my current relationships?

Also reflection on impermanence works for everything.

Phabongkha Rinpoche said:
“‘When I die, all the happiness or sadness I may now have will only remain as memories, as if I had dreamt them. It is meaningless to be attached or to be hostile in this short life.’”
-Liberation in the Palm of Your Hand pg. 607

Ra Lotsawa Dorje Drak said:
Happiness and suffering are impermanent
Fame and its absence are also impermanent.
Acquisition and its absence are impermanent.
Honour and its absence are also impermanent

Everything is momentary and brief.
They are not permanent or truly existing.
If you examine all the happiness and suffering
that you have experienced until now,

even their names, have now ceased to be.
With every instant they change and depart
Therefore, towards illusory appearances
don’t have strong clinging or belief in their reality.
Equanimity is the ground. Love is the moisture. Compassion is the seed. Bodhicitta is the result.

-Paraphrase of Khensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tsephel citing the Guhyasamaja Tantra

"All memories and thoughts are the union of emptiness and knowing, the Mind.
Without attachment, self-liberating, like a snake in a knot.
Through the qualities of meditating in that way,
Mental obscurations are purified and the dharmakaya is attained."

-Ra Lotsawa, All-pervading Melodious Drumbeats

Knotty Veneer
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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby Knotty Veneer » Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:16 am

I think a good first step to is to remember that it is impossible. We cannot control how other people think of us. Period. No matter how hard we try.
“Trump’s grand and vulgar self-absorption is inviting all of us to examine our own selfishness. His ignorance calls us to attend to our own blind spots. The fears that he stokes and the isolation he promotes goad us to be braver, more generous.” - James S. Gordon.

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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby undefineable » Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:21 pm

Konchog1 wrote:a hated chandala.
I guess it's the Indian caste system that has a particular problem with gravediggers :tongue:
Konchog1 wrote:Helpful thoughts for me is thinking that I do have control
Not direct control over others feelings presumeably _ _

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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby LastLegend » Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:23 pm

flowerbudh wrote:I need to work on this. A lot. Are there any sutras on craving to influence over others (mainly by ways of emotional/mental coercion) and how to cease this behaviour?

Bow and pray to Buddha.

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby greentara » Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:35 am

Konchog1, You say " Loyalty is determinded largly by my karma' What is Karma? There are several definitions. 'The (Jains) argued that karma is the fruit of one's action conceived as material particles which stick to us and stop up our natural omniscience. The historical Buddha said that karma was a chain of causality, leading to attachment to the material world and hence rebirth. (He in fact forged the "middle way" between the extremes of opinion within the shramana). Meanwhile the ascetics who became the Ajivikas pronounced karma as pre-ordained and inescapable'

Are we, as some Zen monks say unborn and timeless? So in that illumined state where is attachment, loyalty, and family?
Others may not agree but sometimes I think pre-ordained makes sense.

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Re: Wanting control over other's feelings

Postby disjointed » Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:24 am

I thought Jains spoke about actions as being sins (rod in pali) not actions. I remember a sutta where the Buddha argued against the Jain paradigm of sin(rod).

To the OP: What you're talking about is actually the mental state of Mara. He's a prince from a heaven called "controlling other's creations" and he is disturbed when people develop jhana because when they do they are beyond the reach of his manipulating tactics. Since he can't control them, he tries to destroy their accomplishment. Or that is how I have heard him explained.
If there is a radical inconsistency between your statements and the position you claim to hold,
you are a sock puppet.
Make as many accounts as you want; people can identify your deception with this test.

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