Overcoming jealousy

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MisterMK
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Overcoming jealousy

Post by MisterMK » Thu Feb 09, 2017 4:14 pm

Hi,

During my meditation and day-to-day activities, jealousy seems to be a common theme that continues to pop-up. I recognise there is a craving for recognition and adulation, especially in my work and there is resentment when others are praised. The other night, during a Buddhism class, we were sharing experiences related to spiritual death. I shared an experience that I thought was very important and another member thought it wasn't at all. This caused emotional pain inside me that was still stinging a day or so later and I realised it was due to me wanting or believing through ignorance that there must be something special about me.

I just wondered if anybody had any advice on how to work these issues out of my system?

Thanks,
Marcus

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tomschwarz
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by tomschwarz » Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:32 pm

Hmm.... sitting meditation will help (half lotus, back straight, eyes half closed, no conceptual thought) focus on accepting all as it is.

But then also, conceptually there is natural transformation (without renunciation) of jealousy into the pristine cognition of accomplishment. But what is real accomplishment in this super short life? Caring for one another? Giving something to someone that unfurls over time like a seed growing into a fruit bearing tree? How about peace of mind? That has got to be worth more than 40 billion dollars....

Is a diploma a true accomplishment? Assuming it is, how does that accomplishment compare to overcoming self centred perspective? What is the accomplishment associated with being affectionate, honorable and straight forward at work?

I think that is a magnificent accomplishment for a westerner, in german, to lead with Zuneigung Ehrlichkeit und Aufrichtigkeit))))) ...OK true that was his holiness the dalai lamas suggestion on how to be happy at work.... ...along with seeing coworkers as friends, not expecting any warmth from them, and being happy to have a job which many do not have in China and India ))))
i dedicate this post to your happiness, the causes of your happiness, the absence of your suffering the causes of the absence of your suffering that we may not have too much attachment nor aversion. SAMAYAMANUPALAYA

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Mkoll
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by Mkoll » Fri Feb 10, 2017 1:43 am

Sympathetic joy (mudita), the 3rd of the 4 brahmaviharas, is probably the quality most directly opposed to jealousy and envy. I've found that contemplating and meditating on it is helpful in reducing jealousy and envy. Here is short piece on all 4 brahmaviharas:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... el006.html
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa

Punya
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by Punya » Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:36 am

MisterMK wrote:Hi,

During my meditation and day-to-day activities, jealousy seems to be a common theme that continues to pop-up. I recognise there is a craving for recognition and adulation, especially in my work and there is resentment when others are praised. The other night, during a Buddhism class, we were sharing experiences related to spiritual death. I shared an experience that I thought was very important and another member thought it wasn't at all. This caused emotional pain inside me that was still stinging a day or so later and I realised it was due to me wanting or believing through ignorance that there must be something special about me.

I just wondered if anybody had any advice on how to work these issues out of my system?

Thanks,
Marcus
The very process of making a division between self and other makes us think that we are special, so you are not alone there, Marcus. :smile:

Anyway, as Mkoll is alluding to, the antidote to jealousy is rejoicing. You can make it a practice that every time you hear of someone else's good fortune you rejoice. This weakens our tendency towards jealousy over time. There are various commentaries in the Tibetan tradition too, such as this short contemporary one by Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche https://m.facebook.com/dharmaspringbook ... 10148012:0
We abide nowhere. We possess nothing.
~Chatral Rinpoche

Russell
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by Russell » Fri Feb 10, 2017 11:54 am

You realise that the person who dismissed your experience was acting from jealousy themself? And it is painful to be hated, resented, dismissed like that. So maybe your conclcusion is a little distorted, becasue after that you want to come back to feeling a special little trooper again just like everyone else. And just like the guy who dismissed you he's special too, poor thing, needed to steal your limelight. I mean dont go mad with the self-love pop psychology trip, but some transitory feelings of self-worth/ specialness and compassion for the other, to come back to a balanced state is part of the process after being put down.

And i dont think you are going to get rid of these issues once and for all for a very long time, it is a matter of dealing with them each time they come up and going through the same shitty feelings but each time learning a tiny bit more what is going on and being able to come through the phases to recovery a bit more efficiently each time. This attitude will give you strength and also stop you wasting time trying to change too much.

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javier.espinoza.t
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by javier.espinoza.t » Thu Feb 16, 2017 5:03 am

any avalokiteshvara practice fits great

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Carlos (Chö Dorje)
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by Carlos (Chö Dorje) » Wed Feb 22, 2017 12:44 pm

Hi. Maybe you can study about the detailed characteristics of mental states so that you can do analitical meditation. (Subject: Yourself. Object: Jealousy. What is it. How is it generated. Where is it located in the three poisons scheme. Karmic results. Antidotes. Benefits of applying the antidotes, and so on).

On the other hand, maybe you can learn more about the Eight Worldly Dharmas and the true, deep meaning of renunciation and different methods to generate both renunciation and boddhichita. Renunciation will help you understand that thing you know as "me" is not SO important actually, and boddhichita will help you understand.

I'm not sure in English, but in Spanish, sometimes when someone is very egocentric, self-centered, etc we say he/she has very big head. In my meditation classes I use to say: The bigger your head, the more you'll get wet when it starts to rain! What I mean is: If you see yourself, your own "me" as something very important that you must protect and defend, the more you'll get hurt when you receive criticism or others win while you don't.

Try to undertand the fact that it's not a whole experience, but two different phenomena actually: ONE thing is the fact going on (he criticizes you; she wins lottery while you don't; that one gets promoted while you are fired... Whatever it is), and ANOTHER thing, completely apart, is the way your mind reacts to that. Once again, I don't know in English, but in Spain we say: "Two people won't fight if one of them doesn't want to". In fact it's closely related to the true meaning of meditation: You're contemplating your breath, or your mind or whatever, and as soon as thoughts appear you go "damn! I got distracted again!!!" That's not the point: Are your CONSCIOUS about that thought appeared? Good! Meditation is all about being CONSCIOUS, not rejecting any thoughts or emotions or feelings. Because when you're conscious, you'll be able to recognize all mental aflictions as soon as they appear: Oh, I had this sensation of impatience. Oh, this is anger. Oh, this is jealousy, and so on. There's no way to solve a problem if you don't know what's the problem, right? If you identify the problem as soon as it arises, you'll be able to fight it.

MisterMK
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by MisterMK » Sun Mar 12, 2017 11:27 pm

These are all great suggestions and feedback. Thank you everybody!

madhusudan
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by madhusudan » Mon Mar 13, 2017 7:07 pm

I thought I'd mention sympathetic joy from the 4 Immeasurables since it hasn't been mentioned. This is a common antidote for jealousy in the Mahayana.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... el170.html

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KarmaOcean
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by KarmaOcean » Fri Mar 17, 2017 3:56 am

MisterMK wrote:...resentment when others are praised.
If others were treated as you think you're now being treated, and you were constantly worshipped, praised and given preferential treatment, do you think it would make you into a wholesome, balanced, kind and compassionate person ?

Would you say to others "thanks for all your butt-kissing as I now feel really really good" ?

I hope you meet others in life who will teach you, may you learn quickly and so be able to help others.

muni
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Re: Overcoming jealousy

Post by muni » Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:00 am

KarmaOcean wrote:
MisterMK wrote:...resentment when others are praised.
If others were treated as you think you're now being treated, and you were constantly worshipped, praised and given preferential treatment, do you think it would make you into a wholesome, balanced, kind and compassionate person ?

Would you say to others "thanks for all your butt-kissing as I now feel really really good" ?

I hope you meet others in life who will teach you, may you learn quickly and so be able to help others.
One thing is, our reactions on jealousy: negative. But jealousy is very painful and punishing for it or pointing a finger is stupid. Better is to give antidote like rejoicing and methods to understand Shantideva who said all happiness comes from the wish others to be happy, all misery comes from the wish I to be happy. Medicine/method is necessary, no negative judgement and that's it.
Then I do not think it is beneficial to be praised all the time and be placed in a protected desired place ( like Siddharta in his palace) since it is by discomfort we learn the best so that we are forced to turn our gaze within and find the very cause of this discomfort: the idea of self, which is reacting and causing us to suffer.
We learn not so much to be compassionate by being praised all the time, we wish then to keep this going on. It feeds then ego or self and keeps us in samsara. Not beneficial at all. But encouraging can be done, when this is useful, beneficial.

I do not wish all are in discomfort, to look for the underlying cause of it, daily life is usually offering enough, to help us on the path.
tomschwartz wrote: Caring for one another?
:group:
Phenomena adorn emptiness, but never corrupt it.

Only if you have developed the love and compassion of relative bodhichitta can absolute bodhichitta – the very essence of the Great Perfection and the Great Seal – ever take birth in your being. Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.

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