Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

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TheTraveler0203
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 1:47 am

Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by TheTraveler0203 » Sat Mar 28, 2020 6:35 pm

Hello dear all

First I hope that you don't mind that I take this off my chest and if this situation is outside the context of what is talked here in DW I sincerely apologize. Since I began my studying and practising Buddhism I found in DharmaWheel a place to clarify my doubts and best understand the Buddhist teachings and how to apply and practic them in life; so once more I do that :)
This pandemic thing affected most of us in some way for sure.
My family income is based on Tourism and in the economics that it involves and with all this Covid-19 virus thing the future doesn't look so great financially. My mother is a real estate journalist and hotel manager and my father also works in the real estate consultant. But the problem is that my mother is the one that sustains all the family (we are five parents, sister, grandma), including my sister school and my universities expenses and my father doesn't seem worried about working more in order to help and sustain the family. On my twenty years of lifetime,I grew up with them arguing at each other, I always saw my dad more worried about food and wine than taking care of his family.
I just had a great argue with him, showing and saying all the stuff that he does or should be doing but he is too lazy too get out of his comfort zone.
I remained calm during the argument but in the end I just lost my temper. This was not the first time.

How should I deal with this situation? What's your advice? I know that I shouldn't talk loudly neither to speak with harsh words but I'm afraid if I am not harsh he'll continue to harm us with his laziness, bad humour, childish attitudes and a lack of sense of family and responsibility. Some times is so difficult to keep a good practice with someone so close to us, seeing his unwholesome actions and words, clinging so much to his own comfort and the consequences and impact that it has on the people we most love...

Sorry for eventual vocabulary and grammar mistakes
All the best for all of you
Pedro

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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by PadmaVonSamba » Sun Mar 29, 2020 4:23 pm

I'm afraid if I am not harsh he'll continue to harm us with his laziness, bad humour, childish attitudes and a lack of sense of family and responsibility.
...and then, what will happen after that?
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Sunrise
Posts: 58
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2020 5:55 am

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by Sunrise » Sun Mar 29, 2020 4:29 pm

Hi Pedro,

I hope things will get better with your Dad soon. Living in a house where people are arguing all the time is stressful. Having a family member that can't see the effect of their bad behavior is stressful too, as is worrying about having enough money. I hope your Dad can come to see what he's doing and change, but in my experience, we can't bet on someone else changing. All you can really control is yourself. Look deep and ask yourself what you can do to make life better for yourself and possibly your family. Best of luck.

TheTraveler0203
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 1:47 am

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by TheTraveler0203 » Mon Mar 30, 2020 1:12 am

PadmaVonSamba wrote:
Sun Mar 29, 2020 4:23 pm
...and then, what will happen after that?
Specially my hardworking mother, my 80 year old grandma and my 16yo sister that has the risk to become blind when in contact with high levels of stress will continue to suffer because we have a lazy, rude and aggressive toxic person living among us... That's what will happen after that.
But no problem, I'll figure it out. Thanks anyway.

TheTraveler0203
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 1:47 am

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by TheTraveler0203 » Mon Mar 30, 2020 1:19 am

Sunrise wrote:
Sun Mar 29, 2020 4:29 pm
Hi Pedro,

I hope things will get better with your Dad soon. Living in a house where people are arguing all the time is stressful. Having a family member that can't see the effect of their bad behavior is stressful too, as is worrying about having enough money. I hope your Dad can come to see what he's doing and change, but in my experience, we can't bet on someone else changing. All you can really control is yourself. Look deep and ask yourself what you can do to make life better for yourself and possibly your family. Best of luck.
Thank you for your answer!
I will continue to do my best and to keep myself together, being mindful of my speech and actions in these situations. Maybe I'll talk with him in a calmer way to better explain my perspective and helping him to be a better person. Let's see... And maybe I'll try to find a work to help my mother. Seeing things in a positive way it can help me to get some work experience for my future.
All the best to you thanks again

smcj
Posts: 6947
Joined: Wed May 29, 2013 6:13 am

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by smcj » Mon Mar 30, 2020 2:53 am

I always saw my dad more worried about food and wine than taking care of his family...

..continue to suffer because we have a lazy, rude and aggressive toxic person living among us...
Sounds like he’s an alcoholic. That’s a specific kind of pathology.

I’m a sober alcoholic myself, so drawing from my own experience I’ll speculate that he is probably full of self pity and self righteousness. He’s the under appreciated hero of his own drama, and everyone else is in the wrong.

Alcoholics usually don’t change unless their “lives become unmanageable”, until they can’t get away with it anymore. At least that’s how Alcoholics Anonymous talks about it.

Or maybe he isn’t an alcoholic and I’m off base here. In any case my bet would be that you’d need the whole family to have a united front in order to have any hope of changing anything. And in many families that quite often never comes.

Good luck.
1.The problem isn’t ‘ignorance’. The problem is the mind you have right now. (H.H. Karmapa XVII @NYC 2/4/18)
2. I support Mingyur R and HHDL in their positions against lama abuse.
3. Student: Lama, I thought I might die but then I realized that the 3 Jewels would protect me.
Lama: Even If you had died the 3 Jewels would still have protected you. (DW post by Fortyeightvows)

SteRo
Posts: 580
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:29 pm

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by SteRo » Mon Mar 30, 2020 10:07 am

TheTraveler0203 wrote:
Sat Mar 28, 2020 6:35 pm
How should I deal with this situation? What's your advice?
Stop arguing. Try to ignore him and make the best of the situation. It seems obvious that you cannot change him through shouting at him, right? And you possibly cannot change him through staying calm when talking to him, right?

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kusulu
Posts: 77
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2020 1:39 am

Re: Buddhist practice and arguing with my father

Post by kusulu » Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:34 pm

TheTraveler0203 wrote:
Sat Mar 28, 2020 6:35 pm
Hello dear all

First I hope that you don't mind that I take this off my chest and if this situation is outside the context of what is talked here in DW I sincerely apologize. Since I began my studying and practising Buddhism I found in DharmaWheel a place to clarify my doubts and best understand the Buddhist teachings and how to apply and practic them in life; so once more I do that :)
This pandemic thing affected most of us in some way for sure.
My family income is based on Tourism and in the economics that it involves and with all this Covid-19 virus thing the future doesn't look so great financially. My mother is a real estate journalist and hotel manager and my father also works in the real estate consultant. But the problem is that my mother is the one that sustains all the family (we are five parents, sister, grandma), including my sister school and my universities expenses and my father doesn't seem worried about working more in order to help and sustain the family. On my twenty years of lifetime,I grew up with them arguing at each other, I always saw my dad more worried about food and wine than taking care of his family.
I just had a great argue with him, showing and saying all the stuff that he does or should be doing but he is too lazy too get out of his comfort zone.
I remained calm during the argument but in the end I just lost my temper. This was not the first time.

How should I deal with this situation? What's your advice? I know that I shouldn't talk loudly neither to speak with harsh words but I'm afraid if I am not harsh he'll continue to harm us with his laziness, bad humour, childish attitudes and a lack of sense of family and responsibility. Some times is so difficult to keep a good practice with someone so close to us, seeing his unwholesome actions and words, clinging so much to his own comfort and the consequences and impact that it has on the people we most love...

Sorry for eventual vocabulary and grammar mistakes
All the best for all of you
Pedro
Any decent parent naturally worries about materialistic things, especially regarding the family. Why? Because it's their job. It is their responsibility. Children, including adult children, don't feel the burden the parents feel, but so often rather need nurturing and encouragement, which are those beneficial feelings, sometimes called positive emotional input. Therefore, both suffer. Anger is a difficult emotion because although it can be cathartic, it also provokes more and greater anger. So, this is using your suffering to create more suffering. The best antidote is a practice of active listening, forgiveness, loving-kindness (metta) and gratitude.

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