Help me get over my jealousy

Help required with personal difficulties.
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odysseus
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Help me get over my jealousy

Post by odysseus » Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:24 pm

So I have gotten pointed out by myself that I have a jealousy problem. I haven´t been able to identify what kind of jealousy it is; it doesn´t look like jealousy like in a romantic relationship. It looks like that I´m not getting the attention I want, or if other people get treated kindly but not me. I get angry because of it and I´d like to get over it soon. I told myself "at least I don´t say anything angry on it" but this is no excuse... I´m not sure if I always were like this, or this is something that has developed lately. But I got it pointed out now.

I feel stuck for several months. Any comments are appreciated.
Let a man not seek for the respect of his peers, but let him seek wisdom.

-- Dhammapada

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LastLegend
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by LastLegend » Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:28 pm

odysseus wrote:So I have gotten pointed out by myself that I have a jealousy problem. I haven´t been able to identify what kind of jealousy it is; it doesn´t look like jealousy like in a romantic relationship. It looks like that I´m not getting the attention I want, or if other people get treated kindly but not me. I get angry because of it and I´d like to get over it soon. I told myself "at least I don´t say anything angry on it" but this is no excuse... I´m not sure if I always were like this, or this is something that has developed lately. But I got it pointed out now.

I feel stuck for several months. Any comments are appreciated.

Take out the jealousy and beat it with your fist.
NAMO AMITABHA
NAM MO A DI DA PHAT (VIETNAMESE)
NAMO AMITUOFO (CHINESE)

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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odysseus
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by odysseus » Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:37 pm

LastLegend wrote: Take out the jealousy and beat it with your fist.
Hm, unless this will make my brain boil over even more. I don´t know how to do any wrathful methods for dealing with delusion.
Let a man not seek for the respect of his peers, but let him seek wisdom.

-- Dhammapada

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Dan74
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Dan74 » Sat Nov 15, 2014 2:17 pm

How about giving yourself some of that good old loving-kindness?

I don't just mean the meditation (but that too!), but a healthy mean, a nice walk or a jog, smile at yourself in the mirror and wish yourself a nice day. Just cultivating a warm kind attitude to yourself and others can go a long way. It's the work of the heart.

_/|\_

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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by muni » Sat Nov 15, 2014 2:51 pm

In same caring I find ThIch Nhat Hanh his method great. It is directly. Jealousy is pain, therefore mindfulness help to recognize the pain and so not lose in a pool of suffering. Mindfulness is (metaphorical) the big space, jealousy is the little. The big is taking care, embracing the little, eventually by saying “its’ okay”. Then the feeling is losing, it is helping to subside as it arise.

By fighting with the feeling or suppressing we make it worse.
Here more about 1.26.29 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJE3eye2BXg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Buddha said all is empty like my brain.
Let’s make a selfie!

Having meditated on love and compassion, I forgot the difference between myself and others. Yogi Milarepa.

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Paul
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Paul » Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:08 pm

The traditional cure is its opposite, sympathetic joy. I find it very, very effective. Just practice being happy for other people's happiness.
Look at the unfathomable spinelessness of man: all the means he's been given to stay alert he uses, in the end, to ornament his sleep. – Rene Daumal
the modern mind has become so limited and single-visioned that it has lost touch with normal perception - John Michell

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Rick
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Rick » Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:10 pm

odysseus wrote:
LastLegend wrote: Take out the jealousy and beat it with your fist.
Hm, unless this will make my brain boil over even more. I don´t know how to do any wrathful methods for dealing with delusion.
I think LastLegend is on the right track.

It sounds like what's driving your jealousy is anger ... at not being given the attention you want. This anger will cause all manor of havoc for you unless you find it, feel it, and play-act out your feelings (by beating it with your fist, or even better, beating the target of your anger = the person who's getting the attention you want, the person who's not giving you attention, etc.). There are some primal emotions you cannot simply meditate away. Deep anger, for example.

I'd say as long as we have an active self/ego, we have an active psychology, and psychological problems are best treated with psychological methods.
Last edited by Rick on Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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lorem
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by lorem » Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:31 pm

rachmiel wrote:I think LastLegend is on the right track.

It sounds like what's driving your jealousy is anger ... at not being given the attention you want. This anger will cause all manor of havoc for you unless you find it, feel it, and play-act out your feelings (by beating it with your fist, or even better, beating the target of your anger = the person who's getting the attention you want, the person who's not giving you attention, etc.). There are some primal emotions you cannot simply meditate away. Deep anger, for example.
I've heard that play acting or beating out anger is actually not recommended. think the antidotes and actually prayer might be best bet.

EDIT but LastLegend tends to talk that crazy talk...
I should be meditating.

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Rick
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Rick » Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:36 pm

I realize it's controversial to suggest psychological treatment in a Buddhist community.

Thing is, until self/ego is utterly tamed, has lost all its ability to cause mischief and foster illusion ... we are driven in no small measure by our psyches. Buddhism is very practical. I would think (hope!) that it would recognize that psychological problems are often best treated with psychological therapies.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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lorem
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by lorem » Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:45 pm

rachmiel wrote:I realize it's controversial to suggest psychological treatment in a Buddhist community.

Thing is, until self/ego is utterly tamed, has lost all its ability to cause mischief and foster illusion ... we are driven in no small measure by our psyches. Buddhism is very practical. I would think (hope!) that it would recognize that psychological problems are often best treated with psychological therapies.
Oh no was not implying that it was controversial to suggest psychological treatment but acting out anger subtly reinforces it. Busy with my son today but there are articles on the web. I remember reading one by His Holiness or Lama Yeshe maybe where they also didn't recommend it.

EDIT no think psych-buddha model actually syncs quite a bit. There's just some stuff that don't feel is kosher.
I should be meditating.

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Rick
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Rick » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:03 pm

lorem wrote:Oh no was not implying that it was controversial to suggest psychological treatment but acting out anger subtly reinforces it.
I'm talking about acting out in your mind, not in reality. Imagining that you beat this or that.

When anger arises, it's like a field of energy in your body. Finding and feeling the anger might dissipate it. But if the anger is deep enough, conditioned enough (by experience), merely feeling it does not suffice. It needs to be acted out (in the mind's eye) to release the energy.

Btw I'm not just making this up as I go along! I was taught this approach to dealing with primal stuck emotions by a therapist who also does Zen and mindfulness. He was taught it by his teacher. So it's got a bit of a pedigree.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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LastLegend
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by LastLegend » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:14 pm

Another way to do it is contemplate the non-separation between us and everything else (including people). When hearing sound or noise, does the noise arise seperate from mind? When seeing people, are the people seperate from mind? If everything isn't in mind, how can it arise? If it is in mind, where is mind?

Can we take out jealousy and beat it with our fist? Of course not because it's not an actual object, so then contemplate the empty nature of anger. This method does not work for me. :lol:

I would say practice will gradually decrease the view that self is important. Through practicing charities will accumulate merit that will aide with Dharma practice. Also practice not holding things to be too important, views like right and wrong.
Try not to associate with people who constantly talk to provoke jealousy.

Lastly, we are here to suffer in one way or other. Learn to endure. Also, don't hold this body to be so important. It's like a shirt that we wear. Great bodhisattvas give their bodies to sentient beings all the time, gauging their eye out for example. So then this body should be no use to us, use it to service sentient beings (not suggesting one should gauge his/her eye out). Just something (not holding this body to be too important) to keep in mind.

I can't do any of these many and probably should take my own advice. I suffer just like you dawg. :lol:
NAMO AMITABHA
NAM MO A DI DA PHAT (VIETNAMESE)
NAMO AMITUOFO (CHINESE)

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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lorem
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by lorem » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:15 pm

rachmiel wrote:
lorem wrote:Oh no was not implying that it was controversial to suggest psychological treatment but acting out anger subtly reinforces it.
I'm talking about acting out in your mind, not in reality. Imagining that you beat this or that.

When anger arises, it's like a field of energy in your body. Finding and feeling the anger might dissipate it. But if the anger is deep enough, conditioned enough (by experience), merely feeling it does not suffice. It needs to be acted out (in the mind's eye) to release the energy.

Btw I'm not just making this up as I go along! I was taught this approach to dealing with primal stuck emotions by a therapist who also does Zen and mindfulness. He was taught it by his teacher. So it's got a bit of a pedigree.
Okay that's cool but I still think no. Better to feed and nourish. But then I've been taught Chod approach. 84,000 doors.
I should be meditating.

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LastLegend
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by LastLegend » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:29 pm

Everything else fails, pray hard to Buddha or Bodhisattva. That's what I do.
NAMO AMITABHA
NAM MO A DI DA PHAT (VIETNAMESE)
NAMO AMITUOFO (CHINESE)

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by SeekerNo1000003 » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:32 pm

odysseus wrote:So I have gotten pointed out by myself that I have a jealousy problem. I haven´t been able to identify what kind of jealousy it is; it doesn´t look like jealousy like in a romantic relationship. It looks like that I´m not getting the attention I want, or if other people get treated kindly but not me. I get angry because of it and I´d like to get over it soon. I told myself "at least I don´t say anything angry on it" but this is no excuse... I´m not sure if I always were like this, or this is something that has developed lately. But I got it pointed out now.

I feel stuck for several months. Any comments are appreciated.
I've had a similar problem...I think it has been more of an obsession about being jealous, it felt foreign & unnatural. There is one good way to reduce it: keep practicing loving kindness. I find this to be most effective. Jealousy still shows up from time to time, but it is clearly less of a problem now than it was a year ago.

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odysseus
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by odysseus » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:41 pm

I´m not going to venture into a psycho-drama with anyone. I could talk with a psychotherapist, just to hear their version of my complex. But I´m not eager to shell out $100 an hour for a temporary solution.

I´ll consider your feedback, thanks a bunch... There can be various ways to deal with it.

Maybe it´s no so bad as I think it is. It just comes and goes. I believe it´s more a disturbance of my soul, rather than a psychological issue. I mean, what do I really expect about my person, folks? I have no idea - you tell me.
Let a man not seek for the respect of his peers, but let him seek wisdom.

-- Dhammapada

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Rick
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Rick » Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:56 pm

odysseus wrote:I believe it´s more a disturbance of my soul, rather than a psychological issue.
Try this thought experiment:

If you were ego/self-less, would the problem still be there?

From your description, I strongly doubt it. Which means psychology is involved: the complex of thoughts/feelings around your sense of self.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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Jesse
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by Jesse » Sat Nov 15, 2014 5:04 pm

odysseus wrote:I´m not going to venture into a psycho-drama with anyone. I could talk with a psychotherapist, just to hear their version of my complex. But I´m not eager to shell out $100 an hour for a temporary solution.

I´ll consider your feedback, thanks a bunch... There can be various ways to deal with it.

Maybe it´s no so bad as I think it is. It just comes and goes. I believe it´s more a disturbance of my soul, rather than a psychological issue. I mean, what do I really expect about my person, folks? I have no idea - you tell me.
"Oh no jealousy is not a good thing, I must not be jealous"
That creates aversion.
Aversion makes the feeling stronger, and plants seeds for it's continued arising.
Treating yourself with compassion, and not trying to control your emotions/thoughts is non-attachment
non attachment will not strengthen the karma, instead sever it, it should stop arising.

:alien:
“Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of one's desires, but by the removal of desire” – Epictetus

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LastLegend
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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by LastLegend » Sat Nov 15, 2014 5:10 pm

I have had all of it...anger outburst jealousy ego delusion anxiety paranoia oaccassional thoughts of self harm, and still do not as bad though. They do lessen over time. You wonder how I managed, I don't they manage themselves. :lol:
NAMO AMITABHA
NAM MO A DI DA PHAT (VIETNAMESE)
NAMO AMITUOFO (CHINESE)

Bodhidharma [my translation]
―I come to the East to transmit this clear knowing mind without constructing any dharma―

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Re: Help me get over my jealousy

Post by SeekerNo1000003 » Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:27 am

I was reflecting on this issue further & I realized that a constant effort to shift attention from cherishing myself to cherishing others has been really helpful to me. (I've been doing this in an effort to build a foundation for loving kindness & compassion. Perhaps I did not quite expect that jealousy would go down...but it did. I think this practice may have had something to do with it)

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