Help With Judgmental Family
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Help With Judgmental Family
Hi everyone!
I have been practicing Buddhism for almost 2 years now and for the most part have kept it private. One side if my family is Lutheran and very strict, while the other is atheist and also very strict.
Family members on both sides have noticed that I own a meditation cushion, mala beads, books about Buddhism and that I meditate every day and are basically interrogating me.
I was wondering, if anyone else has/had similar issues, how they go/went about confronting their family or discussing that they follow a different religion.
As it says in the topic my family is extremely judgmental (about different religious and political beliefs of anyone) and I always work my way around the questions and feel guilty that I won't just speak my mind, or that I may be ashamed of my beliefs (which I'm not at ALL, just afraid of what they will say.)
Thank you!
Dom
I have been practicing Buddhism for almost 2 years now and for the most part have kept it private. One side if my family is Lutheran and very strict, while the other is atheist and also very strict.
Family members on both sides have noticed that I own a meditation cushion, mala beads, books about Buddhism and that I meditate every day and are basically interrogating me.
I was wondering, if anyone else has/had similar issues, how they go/went about confronting their family or discussing that they follow a different religion.
As it says in the topic my family is extremely judgmental (about different religious and political beliefs of anyone) and I always work my way around the questions and feel guilty that I won't just speak my mind, or that I may be ashamed of my beliefs (which I'm not at ALL, just afraid of what they will say.)
Thank you!
Dom
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Patiently explain your perspective when asked. Don't get into heated arguments—you don't always have to speak your mind, especially when there's a high likelihood of it leading to tussles. Don't proselytize. It sounds like they just found out so give it time: they should get used to it. It's not like you're robbing banks or shooting up crank.
I've never been in such a situation, but that's my 2 cents.
I've never been in such a situation, but that's my 2 cents.
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Just skillfully avoid getting into such discussions until you can point to improvements your practice has made in your life and personality. Then, just say, "I practice to improve myself. See what I've done already?"
Relax! Smile From The Heart!
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
There are several questions about How to deal with the non-buddhist family or partner. Most of them you can find in the subforum "Personal Experience", I suppose.
I found some of the most recent ones here:
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=22274
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=21380
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.ph ... 34#p319816
I found some of the most recent ones here:
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=22274
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=21380
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.ph ... 34#p319816
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Try and divert the questioning so the strict atheists argue with the strict Lutherans. Then, carry on.
'Only practice with no gaining idea' ~ Suzuki Roshi
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Purposefully causing an argument would be against the precept of avoiding wrong use of speech.
Relax! Smile From The Heart!
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Thanks to everyone for the replies and the great advice!
I think what I really need to do is find a way to discuss (without losing my head) that I follow my beliefs and I respect my family's beliefs, and hope that we can agree to disagree. Even if it is never brought up again, just clearing the air feels like it will help so much.
Thanks again for all the advice!
Dom
Mkoll wrote:Patiently explain your perspective when asked. Don't get into heated arguments—you don't always have to speak your mind, especially when there's a high likelihood of it leading to tussles.
I definitely don't start the arguments, but sometimes I get carried away and snap at them, and I should work on that.AlexMcLeod wrote:Purposefully causing an argument would be against the precept of avoiding wrong use of speech.
Thanks Alex for this advice, too. When I read it I had a "V8" moment! I'll definitely do this, I think it'll help my family to understand why I practice Buddhism.AlexMcLeod wrote:Just skillfully avoid getting into such discussions until you can point to improvements your practice has made in your life and personality. Then, just say, "I practice to improve myself. See what I've done already?"
Thank you Ayu for the links! I read them and I understand that all three sides will have to come to a consensus that we have to respect each other's beliefs, as it seems to have worked for the others.Ayu wrote:There are several questions about How to deal with the non-buddhist family or partner. Most of them you can find in the subforum "Personal Experience", I suppose.
I found some of the most recent ones here:
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=22274
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=21380
http://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.ph ... 34#p319816
Haha, that is more difficult than it sounds. Sometimes they can become a united front!Wayfarer wrote:Try and divert the questioning so the strict atheists argue with the strict Lutherans. Then, carry on.
I think what I really need to do is find a way to discuss (without losing my head) that I follow my beliefs and I respect my family's beliefs, and hope that we can agree to disagree. Even if it is never brought up again, just clearing the air feels like it will help so much.
Thanks again for all the advice!
Dom
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Honestly just try to get along, avoid conflict, and keep up your practice, you ain't changing them. On the other hand, what they think really isn't your problem at all. My rule now is only talking to people about Dharma who are interested, I don't do it with people whose agenda is just to argue, or who desperately want to know 'how can you believe in x'.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared
-Khunu Lama
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared
-Khunu Lama
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
That's because belief and unbelief are two sides of a coin. That is something that Buddhists understand and neither Christians nor atheists do. If you understand why, then you will have a good talking point for both!Sometimes they can become a united front!
'Only practice with no gaining idea' ~ Suzuki Roshi
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
In what ways do they judge you?
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Go the practical route.Tell them you are trying to be more awake and appreciate the wonder of existence.That you are trying to learn about yourself and as a result not create problems for others.Explain to them that you want to cherish life and others and that stablizing your mind helps you to do this.I dont know a person on earth who could argue with you about that.AnotherBuddhistGuy19 wrote:Hi everyone!
I have been practicing Buddhism for almost 2 years now and for the most part have kept it private. One side if my family is Lutheran and very strict, while the other is atheist and also very strict.
Family members on both sides have noticed that I own a meditation cushion, mala beads, books about Buddhism and that I meditate every day and are basically interrogating me.
I was wondering, if anyone else has/had similar issues, how they go/went about confronting their family or discussing that they follow a different religion.
As it says in the topic my family is extremely judgmental (about different religious and political beliefs of anyone) and I always work my way around the questions and feel guilty that I won't just speak my mind, or that I may be ashamed of my beliefs (which I'm not at ALL, just afraid of what they will say.)
Thank you!
Dom
Good luck on your journey.
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
I still do practice, I won't let them stop me, but it is just that the religious side (mom's side) will always "pray for me" or tell me that I have to repent; the atheists (brothers and dad's side) just tell me I'm stupid. It is more aggravating than hurtful.Johnny Dangerous wrote:Honestly just try to get along, avoid conflict, and keep up your practice, you ain't changing them.
I really appreciate this post, thanks for the advice. I don't see how they could argue with it either and more or less I just want everyone to get over it. When it comes up again I will tell them this, it really hits the nail on the head as to why I practice. Good luck on your journey as well.frank123 wrote:Go the practical route.Tell them you are trying to be more awake and appreciate the wonder of existence.That you are trying to learn about yourself and as a result not create problems for others.Explain to them that you want to cherish life and others and that stablizing your mind helps you to do this.I dont know a person on earth who could argue with you about that.
Good luck on your journey.
Really it is the comments they make. My grandma says things like " you boys should have been raised in the church" and specifically to me "you shouldn't worship false idols," and my favorite, "I'll pray for you." My mom just thinks it is foolish to follow a religion without a creator god, and tells me it isn't really a religion because of that.tiagolps wrote:In what ways do they judge you?
My other family members say that I am wasting my time, that I have lost it, "where's the proof," etc. because I was an atheist before a Buddhist. Again, it's really just annoying and I want everyone to leave me be since I keep my opinions to myself.
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Next time they bring it up in any context just tell them "It's my business. Don't worry about it" firmly but not aggressively.
Kevin
Kevin
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Re: Help With Judgmental Family
You should appreciate people who drive you crazy, how else would you fall from your high horse?AnotherBuddhistGuy19 wrote:Really it is the comments they make. My grandma says things like " you boys should have been raised in the church" and specifically to me "you shouldn't worship false idols," and my favorite, "I'll pray for you." My mom just thinks it is foolish to follow a religion without a creator god, and tells me it isn't really a religion because of that.
My other family members say that I am wasting my time, that I have lost it, "where's the proof," etc. because I was an atheist before a Buddhist. Again, it's really just annoying and I want everyone to leave me be since I keep my opinions to myself.
Re: Help With Judgmental Family
Unbelief is defined as merely a lack of religious belief. A person without religious beliefs may have secular beliefs, like white supremacy for example. I don't see how a belief like white supremacy is fundementally different, or not the same 'side of a coin', as you say.Wayfarer wrote:That's because belief and unbelief are two sides of a coin. That is something that Buddhists understand and neither Christians nor atheists do. If you understand why, then you will have a good talking point for both!Sometimes they can become a united front!