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Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:39 pm
by doublerepukken
Hey all,

My mother is a person that takes on a ton of responsibilities out of love, to the point where she is so stressed out she does not know what to do. We have tons of animals( she said she got them for my adopted sister, because my biological sister and me had them growing up), she adopted my sisters while she was in her late 40s, and pretty much single handedly runs the house and coordinates everything as well as paying bills. We all went to private school and she struggles to pay for us to have the best. Sometimes I see her breakdown and cry. She lashes out at us for not helping her enough; granted I could definitely help more (I love at home for the time being as I'm moving overseas soon), but a lot of the time I guess I feel she brings stuff on (the extra pets and activities she signs my siblings up for as well as her forcing her way into a things I do) without us asking her or wanting her too. When I point this out she gets aggressive and says I'm ungrateful, which obviously hurts. I have tried to show her some techniques for mindfulness to help her, but she always makes excuses like she's too busy because no one helps her. I don't know what to do :shrug:

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:58 pm
by Queequeg
Well... our mothers...

This might be a little too personal... what is your mother's ethnic background and religion?

Sounds like she's got a lot on her plate and has momentum rolling in a certain direction. Little to do but try and make her life a little easier.

In the short term there isn't much to do except roll up your sleeves and help out. In the medium term... you can gently start a conversation about prioritizing things. In the longer term, you might gently suggest practices that might help her.

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:22 pm
by jkarlins
Just try to be kind and strengthen the relationship. Help if you can in practical ways.

Practicing is for you. If you do it, it will help you. If she doesn't want to it's unfortunate, but that's up to her.

Jake

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:25 pm
by doublerepukken
Queequeg wrote:
Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:58 pm
Well... our mothers...

This might be a little too personal... what is your mother's ethnic background and religion?

Sounds like she's got a lot on her plate and has momentum rolling in a certain direction. Little to do but try and make her life a little easier.

In the short term there isn't much to do except roll up your sleeves and help out. In the medium term... you can gently start a conversation about prioritizing things. In the longer term, you might gently suggest practices that might help her.
No worries, my mom is Cuban and she is a Catholic. Cultural upbringing is definitely a big part of it, also sorry about all the typos before I was typing from my phone. She just is one of those people that puts a ton on her plate, and then gets upset when its too much for her to handle; the thing is she does them for unselfish reasons. For instance, she feels like she 'has' to do all this extra stuff so that we can be well-rounded adults and things, I don't totally understand it but the way shes explained it is that she does it all for her family, or at least she thinks thats what she has to do. And when you call her out on it she gets really upset and defensive. But she is really putting it all on herself.

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:38 pm
by Queequeg
Thanks for sharing. Cuban and Catholic. In my experience, that is a recipe for a determined mindset.

I second Jake's take, and also reiterate what I wrote before.

You mother sounds like a pillar of a person who still needs a hand to carry the weight she has taken on. Short term, just help - be someone she can lean on a little. In the longer term, by being a good and helpful son, by demonstrating with your life that you are a strong and responsible person like your mother, maybe she will listen to your gentle suggestions that she consider prioritizing. But with headstrong people you have to be careful with that, especially when what they do is motivated out of an abundance of love. You have to be very careful in giving advice lest you sound ungrateful.

Patience and tact.

And as far as sharing your practice with her - a lot of times, the best way to share with family is by sincerely practicing and letting the results of your practice speak for themselves. Then they'll come and ask about it.

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:59 pm
by Johnny Dangerous
Good practice for being married..seriously.

The best advice I can give is not to take things personally, unless you are going to actively set out to change her behavior, that's the best you can do, that and be grateful for the things she does.

Re: Problems with my mom

Posted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:57 am
by Fortyeightvows
Johnny Dangerous wrote:
Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:59 pm
Good practice for being married..seriously.
For sure