Not feeling totally safe around my dad

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doublerepukken
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Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:58 am

Hey all,

My dad has a history of blowing up and freaking out about things. He has grabbed me, threatened me, and struck me before, one time he picked me up and through me against a wall when I was younger and wouldn't get out of bed. I am living at home for a little while before I move overseas to begin a new career, and sleeping on the couch. He has been freaking out continually since I've been here, mostly about me leaving stuff out. Granted, I'm not the cleanliest person in the world, but I'm not a complete slob or anything; I occasionally leave things like books I'm reading or cups out (I am diagnosed with ADHD and this is a pretty big challenge for me). I left a couple books, a cup, and my shoes lying out in our kitchen, and my dad asked me to clean it up, he went on a bit of a rant. I said I would (I was working on a thing for my new job), and I guess because I didn't spring up immediately, he picked up a wooden chair and threw it, and began screaming that I was a slob and a bunch of things I'd rather not repeat. I said 'you have a problem' definitely not a good thing to say, but I was really scared (I usually pretend like I'm not being affected by what he does but internally I am terrified). He went into his room, slamming the door, and I started shaking and crying. My mom came down to console me and just said 'he gets a little crazy sometimes' and that 'it was only for 2 more weeks' and just to do what he says and stay out of his way which honestly I felt was a pretty weak response. I feel like in a lot of ways she doesn't really do anything about it. I told her if he touches me I'm going to call the cops. I don't know what to do, I don't really want to move out and have to pay for somewhere for a couple weeks but I also don't want to have to see my Dad again. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

Namu Amida Butsu

Ethan

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Ayu
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Ayu » Sun Oct 01, 2017 8:20 am

It would be wonderful, if you could stay somewhere else. It is scientifically proven that very narrow space for living increases aggressive behavior against eachother in human beings and animals.
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by narhwal90 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:09 pm

Behavior like your father's is often found in families with members in active addiction or those with parents who had addiction issues. One of the very painful aspects of the situation is quite often family members accomodate themselves to the unacceptable behavior and thus get sick too. Excuses made to the current victim by others in the family are not uncommon- anything to keep the peace is often the m.o. Acceptance that the actors and the supporting cast are variously emotionally sick and prisoners of their own minds may help, finding a way to limit and control contact is another method- IF you can do it.

Someone prone to such outbursts is likely not going to respond productively to a sit-down discussion to clear the air, or to ultimatums- defensiveness may set in, likewise another tantrum may be set off.

I think your plan to report violence is good, but be prepared for consequences and know how far you will press the issue. In the US, generally the cops will not "fix" anything- they may take the actor into custody or may not- it will depend on the cop, the circumstance, how busy he/she is- how charming the person becomes etc. It may take them an hour to show up. If they do bust him, he might be out the next day. Such things can be used as a pretext to escalate, the other family members can even side with them if this counts as you not playing along anymore. Telling the others of the plan might or might not help.

This kind of dynamic can change <fast>. I was talking to a friend the other day. She is in her 60's married to a long-time heroin addict who had a medical settlement that he just finished burning thru to feed his habit. They have been estranged for a while but not divorced, for years he inhabited the basement and wheedled this lady for money to get his fix and would become increasingly aggressive until she gave in. Recently his behavior became a lot darker; he started bringing "friends" home, smoking the basement etc - all settled as not allowed. When confronted about it he went off into rage, became aggressive, nearly assaulted a neighbor who witnessed the argument from his own porch. The wife and her son called the police and got a protective order- which the man then violated. He was arrested, talked his way out of it, and is now out there running with nothing but his car and the clothes on his back. The wife and her son took the opportunity to change the locks, NOT give him money and NOT let him back in the house.

The lesson there is to be ready to respond to the change and not let the bad actor walk back in like nothing happened; allowing people to experience the consequences of their actions is skillful, making the trouble all better is frequently not.

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by justsit » Sun Oct 01, 2017 4:51 pm

You don't mention how old you are, but you did say you are moving overseas for a new career, so I'm assuming you are an adult of legal age.

Therefore, you are responsible for your own behavior, not that of your parents. You are staying in their house - for free? - until time to move, so when under a parental roof you live by their rules. If your behavior - being "not the cleanest person" - aggravates the situation, you have two choices - stay and change your behavior (i.e., clean up after yourself thoroughly, all the time) or leave. You apparently want to save money by staying at your parents house, yet are unwilling to act like an adult while doing so.

Since you are leaving soon, your father is already irritated by your presence and behavior, and you are fearful, just spend the money and move out. Immediate problem solved. Long term family dynamics will take much longer to change, if ever.
If you stay, "put up and shut up" as my mother used to say, until time to go.

(DIsclaimer - I am not a therapist, comments are my opinion only, YMMV).

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:06 pm

justsit wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 4:51 pm
You don't mention how old you are, but you did say you are moving overseas for a new career, so I'm assuming you are an adult of legal age.

Therefore, you are responsible for your own behavior, not that of your parents. You are staying in their house - for free? - until time to move, so when under a parental roof you live by their rules. If your behavior - being "not the cleanest person" - aggravates the situation, you have two choices - stay and change your behavior (i.e., clean up after yourself thoroughly, all the time) or leave. You apparently want to save money by staying at your parents house, yet are unwilling to act like an adult while doing so.

Since you are leaving soon, your father is already irritated by your presence and behavior, and you are fearful, just spend the money and move out. Immediate problem solved. Long term family dynamics will take much longer to change, if ever.
If you stay, "put up and shut up" as my mother used to say, until time to go.

(DIsclaimer - I am not a therapist, comments are my opinion only, YMMV).
sorry, but leaving a couple books or a cup out isn't 'not acting like an adult', lol seriously? I did not ask to stay at my parents house, my mom offered me the place on the couch and I even offered to pay them for my stay. I try my best to be as cleanly as possible, but sometimes I forget that I left something out, this does not warrant a response of physical violence. I follow all the rules they set out; I just occasionally leave things left out because of a *disability* that I am *clinically diagnosed* with. It's disturbing that you didn't mention at all my dads violent outburst or history of abuse.

Namu Amida Butsu

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:41 pm

Is there real physical abuse going on or not?

Is there a pattern of emotional abuse, or just bursts of anger?

I know it's distressing to be around, but to give advice this needs to be clarified...his behavior may be terrifying, but it is not physically abusive, or thus far violent towards you...I think you should consider not confusing the two for starters. Lots of people have impulse control issues like hitting walls, throwing chairs etc. who are not domestic abusers, whereas others that do are.

So let's be clear, is there actual violence and abuse here, or a heated argument where someone imuplsively got loud and threw a chair?

If it's the latter, communication makes all the difference. In fact, having been 'that guy' in my life, I can say that good communication was the first step to learning to confronting my impulse control issues. Communication was neccessary for me to understand how my outbursts frightened the people I love dearly.

ADHD has nothing to do with whether or not you can pick up shoes, I speak from personal experience. That doesn't justify his outburst at all of course, and he should confront those behaviors. That said, it sounds like a rough situation for doing that....as you are smack dab in the middle of their personal space. Are you willing to alter your behavior to keep the peace a bit?
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:48 pm

Johnny Dangerous wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:41 pm
Is there real physical abuse going on or not?

Is there a pattern of emotional abuse, or just bursts of anger?

I know it's distressing to be around, but to give advice this needs to be clarified...his behavior may be terrifying, but it is not physically abusive, or thus far violent towards you...I think you should consider not confusing the two for starters. Lots of people have impulse control issues like hitting walls, throwing chairs etc. who are not domestic abusers, whereas others that do are.

So let's be clear, is there actual violence and abuse here, or a heated argument where someone imuplsively got loud and threw a chair?

If it's the latter, communication makes all the difference. In fact, having been 'that guy' in my life, I can say that good communication was the first step to learning to confronting my impulse control issues. Communication was neccessary for me to understand how my outbursts frightened the people I love dearly.

ADHD has nothing to do with whether or not you can pick up shoes, I speak from personal experience. That doesn't justify his outburst at all of course, and he should confront those behaviors. That said, it sounds like a rough situation for doing that....as you are smack dab in the middle of their personal space. Are you willing to alter your behavior to keep the peace a bit?
I'm having trouble believing you all read what I wrote.

You realize throwing a chair to intimidate someone is 'actual abuse' right? Punching walls, throwing things etc. is emotionally abusive, and can leave people completely traumatized like myself. Because of my dad doing things like this, when I hear extremely loud noises out of nowhere, I have a panic attack. I have been on medication my entire life because of this. With physical abuse, the bruises heal over, but this is a scar I struggle with. The only thing that has helped me besides the medication is chanting the name of Amida.

My dad has punched me, struck me, thrown me, and done countless other things pretty my whole life growing up. Never did I say what he did just now constituted physical abuse, but a psychologists have and would say that throwing a chair to intimidate someone is, at the very least, emotionally abusive. I have PTSD from the ways he has frightened me and threatened me to the point where I take medication because of my anxiety condition with loud noises.

I try my absolute best to clean up after myself. I clean up 90% of the things I do, and try to be as cleanly as possible. Occasionally, I leave something out. I'm not perfect but I'm in no way just leaving things out all over the place like a child.

there was no argument. I left something out, said 'OK i'll pick it up" and then he threw a chair in my general direction (thankfully I was behind a sliding glass door).

Like, I get that I need to clean up after myself more, I understand that. It's something I have struggled with my entire life. Not everyone's ADHD condition is the same. I have graduated college, held down a management position at a bank, and got a teaching license and certification all being completely unmedicated and through intense work. I'm sorry, but I can't accept that my dad throwing stuff at me is my fault, or I am really the one that needs to change - I am working on trying to be more cleanly, he is doing absolutely nothing to change his behavior. Not once has he apologized to me for anything he has done, he actually blames me.

'

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Sun Oct 01, 2017 8:47 pm

sorry if that post came off as hostile or angry. I'm just frustrated because all the responses I'm getting are focused on me changing rather than my dad. It just feels like I'm the one being blamed for his behavior because I'm not cleanly enough. I really am not an overly messy person, I just sometimes leave things out because I forget that I left it there.

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Ayu » Sun Oct 01, 2017 8:52 pm

doublerepukken wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 8:47 pm
sorry if that post came off as hostile or angry. I'm just frustrated because all the responses I'm getting are focused on me changing rather than my dad. It just feels like I'm the one being blamed for his behavior because I'm not cleanly enough. I really am not an overly messy person, I just sometimes leave things out because I forget that I left it there.
I don't think, you're being accused here. We can bet, if your dad comes into this forum and tells what he'd done to you, he'll get good answers. :tongue:
But we cannot change your dad now, neither can you. So, the question is, what can you do in this situation. How to act? Which thoughts are helpful? I.e. What measures are effective and positive?
I have decided to stick with love.
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by shaunc » Sun Oct 01, 2017 10:26 pm

I'd recommend leaving the situation as "justsit" advised. You can't change anyone else's behavior but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with it either.
I'd give any other family members the same advice too, whether they choose to take it or not is their call.
Good luck and best wishes.
Namu Amida Butsu.
Shaun.

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by The Cicada » Mon Oct 02, 2017 12:17 am

...

I think the Buddhist answer that you're looking for on this forum is to look at this situation from your father's perspective—or at least, realize that he does have a perspective of his own from which his actions seem reasonable. That doesn't make his actions skillful, but it's the first step in figuring out what's going on.

Given what you've shared here about your family, I'd like to forward a hypothetical explanation for his behavior based on abductive reasoning, whereby we take a number of conclusions or effects and work back to their likely premises or causes: It could conceivably be the case that your parents aren't on the same page and your dad is acting out in a way that is in line with his experiences and understanding of the world. What if your dad has been conscripted into taking on more responsibilities because of your presence, the knowledge of which, no one feels would be appropriate to share with you? Maybe not, but this example gives you an idea of how culture, upbringing, neuroses and our many human quirks can all play into a picture that isn't quite reasonable but yet isn't quite "wrong." This is samsara, after all.

My personal advice would be to stay out of the old man's way, (maybe try to "disappear" from the house as much as possible,) don't blame him or yourself, and focus on whatever seems to quell the general sense of agitation. Trust your gut instincts about what body language and actions are telling you despite words to the contrary. Buddhism encourages us to focus on our agency, our ability to act to make changes in the world and in ourselves for the better. For what it's worth, I don't think this is your "fault" anymore or less that it's the fault of everyone else involved. It is, however, your responsibility since you'll have to deal with the effects of what happens one way or the other.

I would also encourage you not to call the cops on your dad. Despite the current attitudes about these things in the Anglosphere and parts of Europe, I suspect that you would be cutting at ties that run deeper than those trends. My only qualifications for giving such advice are being a practicing Buddhist for over a decade and having crazy Latin relatives that make me suspect that the Romans might have started their expansion just to redirect their frustrations and get out of the house. This might be truer than we suspect considering that the Romans referred to their kids by the order of their birth during their youth ("first," "fifth,") and didn't bother naming them until they were old enough to survive without them. Lol.

:namaste:

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:41 am

The Cicada wrote:
Mon Oct 02, 2017 12:17 am
...
I think the Buddhist answer that you're looking for on this forum is to look at this situation from your father's perspective—or at least, realize that he does have a perspective of his own from which his actions seem reasonable. That doesn't make his actions skillful, but it's the first step in figuring out what's going on.

Given what you've shared here about your family, I'd like to forward a hypothetical explanation for his behavior based on abductive reasoning, whereby we take a number of conclusions or effects and work back to their likely premises or causes: It could conceivably be the case that your parents aren't on the same page and your dad is acting out in a way that is in line with his experiences and understanding of the world. What if your dad has been conscripted into taking on more responsibilities because of your presence, the knowledge of which, no one feels would be appropriate to share with you? Maybe not, but this example gives you an idea of how culture, upbringing, neuroses and our many human quirks can all play into a picture that isn't quite reasonable but yet isn't quite "wrong." This is samsara, after all.

My personal advice would be to stay out of the old man's way, (maybe try to "disappear" from the house as much as possible,) don't blame him or yourself, and focus on whatever seems to quell the general sense of agitation. Trust your gut instincts about what body language and actions are telling you despite words to the contrary. Buddhism encourages us to focus on our agency, our ability to act to make changes in the world and in ourselves for the better. For what it's worth, I don't think this is your "fault" anymore or less that it's the fault of everyone else involved. It is, however, your responsibility since you'll have to deal with the effects of what happens one way or the other.

I would also encourage you not to call the cops on your dad. Despite the current attitudes about these things in the Anglosphere and parts of Europe, I suspect that you would be cutting at ties that run deeper than those trends. My only qualifications for giving such advice are being a practicing Buddhist for over a decade and having crazy Latin relatives that make me suspect that the Romans might have started their expansion just to redirect their frustrations and get out of the house. This might be truer than we suspect considering that the Romans referred to their kids by the order of their birth during their youth ("first," "fifth,") and didn't bother naming them until they were old enough to survive without them. Lol.

:namaste:
thanks for your response cicada. it helped a lot.

Namu Amida Butsu

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Mon Oct 02, 2017 3:31 am

doublerepukken wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:48 pm


I'm having trouble believing you all read what I wrote.
I though I did.
You realize throwing a chair to intimidate someone is 'actual abuse' right? Punching walls, throwing things etc. is emotionally abusive, and can leave people completely traumatized like myself. Because of my dad doing things like this, when I hear extremely loud noises out of nowhere, I have a panic attack. I have been on medication my entire life because of this. With physical abuse, the bruises heal over, but this is a scar I struggle with. The only thing that has helped me besides the medication is chanting the name of Amida.
Hitting walls etc. can be a part of abusive behavior yes, but it's also a very common behavior taken in isolation. It shouldn't be trivialized, but it is not an indicator of something like domestic abuse necessarily, and often people who engage in such things periodically do not fit the profile of domestic abuser. I.E. controlling, threatening, using fear and intimidation, grooming you, playing psychological games, escalating violence and co-dependence etc. If your Dad does, I am truly sorry- that is why I asked the question. A big part of abuse is control, and an attempt to maintain it, it isn't just behaviors, though those are of course problems of and within themselves.
My dad has punched me, struck me, thrown me, and done countless other things pretty my whole life growing up. Never did I say what he did just now constituted physical abuse, but a psychologists have and would say that throwing a chair to intimidate someone is, at the very least, emotionally abusive.
I didn't realize he had been consistently abusive, that's a different deal than throwing a chair or exhibiting poor impulse control. If he has, you should get out, and do your best to get your mom and him some kind of help, as well as continuing your own care. And "psychologists" wouldn't make a blanket statement about whether or not there was a pattern of abuse without more information than you originally gave. -Lots- of things are emotionally abusive that "normal" people and families engage in all the time, sad to say. So I was probing to find out what the situation is like...from what you say here, it sounds bad.
I have PTSD from the ways he has frightened me and threatened me to the point where I take medication because of my anxiety condition with loud noises.
If you are being abused you should act on it, and get out, as well as getting help, period. This is especially so if you grew up around it man, I'm sorry you went through that. The best common sense answer is to avoid being there altogether if you can, rather than worrying about fairness etc..if you grew up with serious abuse and trauma, I hope you don't have to endure more, and can find a way out, and through it. It's really trivial whether he is "right" if he is abusing you and your mom.

Like, I get that I need to clean up after myself more, I understand that. It's something I have struggled with my entire life. Not everyone's ADHD condition is the same. I have graduated college, held down a management position at a bank, and got a teaching license and certification all being completely unmedicated and through intense work. I'm sorry, but I can't accept that my dad throwing stuff at me is my fault, or I am really the one that needs to change - I am working on trying to be more cleanly, he is doing absolutely nothing to change his behavior. Not once has he apologized to me for anything he has done, he actually blames me.

'
I didn't say it was your fault, and don't view things that way. Again, if there is abuse going on not only should you get out ASAP, I would recommend not staying there again. If he is abusive, predatory, and has had this sort of terrible effect on you, relying on him to be fair or rational seems like a waste of time. I would try to exit the place as soon as you can and manage your own stuff.

https://helpguide.org/articles/abuse/do ... -abuse.htm

There's a simple link.

If you don't see him as abusive in the manner of the above link, but feel he does engage in some unacceptable, damaging behaviors when you fight, the only way to address that is for him to actually care about it in the first place. If he doesn't, or won't address it, there is nothing you can do. He likely feels a lot of guilt and shame about the behaviors, and in an ideal world he'd be willing to go to counseling with you or similar when he was calm, or at least admit the harm his behaviors can cause you, and have discussion about it when he was not escalated. You are not in charge of that though, so again...leaving sounds like the best option, can you? Have you or your Mom ever tried to get help?
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by The Cicada » Mon Oct 02, 2017 4:46 am

doublerepukken wrote:
Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:41 am
thanks for your response cicada. it helped a lot.

Namu Amida Butsu
To add anecdotally to what Johnny shared,

My maternal grandmother took care of my half-siblings after my mother died and she kind of raised them to be evil, to put it hyperbolically. I spent a good deal of time with her at one point trying to get to know her as a human being and understand her, and the conclusion I came to was that this nice little old lady was kind of a sociopath. Eventually, I just had to look at the situation, take into account her traumatic upbringing as well as her own bad choices, the fact that she had preserved my siblings lives as well as deeply harmed them, and just let the old woman be. How much blame can you consign to people who are responsible for your existence? It's a question I've had to grapple with often.

At least you're in school.

Our old matron has the words "college" and "prison" confused. When my youngest brother finally graduated from prison, I figured that his cage matches with his ex or his low-level drug dealing were the honors that got him admitted, though grandma has always been very supportive of him in these regards. (Seriously.) Actually, it turns out that he got his sentence because one day he threw a small, empty box at buela and she called the cops on him for abuse of the elderly. My sister says the judge couldn't keep a straight face.

My conclusion? Sometimes ancestors are best revered from a safe distance.

:meditate:

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by amanitamusc » Mon Oct 02, 2017 4:49 am

Hi,I am sorry you are having trouble. If someone is breaking the law and know about it, meaning this website that knows your name and
other personal information and they are not reporting this.
They are withholding evidence that should be reported.
In every way I wish you well.

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Ayu » Mon Oct 02, 2017 7:45 am

amanitamusc wrote:
Mon Oct 02, 2017 4:49 am
Hi,I am sorry you are having trouble. If someone is breaking the law and know about it, meaning this website that knows your name and
other personal information and they are not reporting this.
They are withholding evidence that should be reported.
In every way I wish you well.
Which website knows his/her name? What did I miss?
I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Ayu » Mon Oct 02, 2017 9:23 am

Johnny Dangerous wrote:
Mon Oct 02, 2017 3:31 am
https://helpguide.org/articles/abuse/do ... -abuse.htm

There's a simple link.

If you don't see him as abusive in the manner of the above link, but feel he does engage in some unacceptable, damaging behaviors when you fight, the only way to address that is for him to actually care about it in the first place. If he doesn't, or won't address it, there is nothing you can do. He likely feels a lot of guilt and shame about the behaviors, and in an ideal world he'd be willing to go to counseling with you or similar when he was calm, or at least admit the harm his behaviors can cause you, and have discussion about it when he was not escalated. You are not in charge of that though, so again...leaving sounds like the best option, can you? Have you or your Mom ever tried to get help?
Probably the above written is a good advice, but I think you have to reflect upon what you said here:
Hitting walls etc. can be a part of abusive behavior yes, but it's also a very common behavior taken in isolation. It shouldn't be trivialized, but it is not an indicator of something like domestic abuse necessarily, ...
Throwing chairs is abusive in every case. And it isn't less shocking if you think about the poor dad's situation. The effect and the cause are two different stories.
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by Jesse » Mon Oct 02, 2017 10:56 am

I've dealt with many people like this. I know a number of people like this.

Point blank, Call the police. Have him arrested, and make sure there is a record of his violence. People who act this way do not really deserve the consideration of letting their violence go. Call the police, file a formal complaint against him, and if he ever actually strikes you again, press charges.

If you believe that his violence begins, and ends with you, I'm afraid that's unlikely. I'm sure your mother has taken the brunt of it. In the event he feels like your mother has taken your side, you can expect it to get even worse for her, and you.

The very fact your mother said: "'he gets a little crazy sometimes' and that 'it was only for 2 more weeks' and just to do what he says and stay out of his way."

Speaks Volumes.

People like this need a hard lesson. Don't wait for it to happen again, Call, The, Police.
The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by emaho » Mon Oct 02, 2017 5:03 pm

There's really not much to say about your father's behaviour. It's abusive. I think you should get out of that situation before it escalates any further. Your mom is clearly codependent and when she decides to stay with your dad there's not much you can do to help her. If you have friends on whose sofa you can sleep do it. If you can afford a hotel or some kind of hostel or bed & breakfast, do it.

That said, I hope it's clear that I'm not taking sides with your dad, but ADHD is not a disability.
"I struggled with some demons, They were middle class and tame..." L. Cohen

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Re: Not feeling totally safe around my dad

Post by doublerepukken » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:41 pm

My dad hasn't hit me since high school and he quit drinking; I forgive him for those times as he was, as many of you said, struggling with addiction. My whole family has.
We have gone to several counselors with my dad, and he usually leaves and/or blows up about it 'always being him that's the problem'.
When I wrote the above, comment I was in a state of shock as it had just happened, so sorry if I seemed overly defensive. I was genuinely frightened.

Johnny, thanks for your comments. Didn't mean to sound argumentative or upset with you. I was just really stressed out and taking it out on you.

Jesse, thanks for your advice. If my dad attacks me I'm just going to call the police.

Ayu, Thanks for your compassion and advice.

Cicada, thanks for helping me see the Buddhist approach to all this.

Emaho, thanks for your analysis. I think of ADHD as a disability mainly because I've had disability accommodations because of it my whole life, my mistake.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to read my post. It means a lot to me that you all posted trying to help. I am not escalating the situation any further and just staying out of my dads way. We haven't talked since then and its much more peaceful. I hope this situation is fixed and I will continue trying to reconcile with my dad until it does. Again, thanks for your help, I think we've done all we can. Soon I'm going to be in Asia far away, and maybe the distance will heal some of the wounds.

Namu Amida Butsu
南無阿弥陀仏
なむ あみだ ぶつ
Namu Amida Butsu

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