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I'm not sure that I understand what you're asking. Is this something that you wrote in Tibetan and are asking if it makes sense? If that's the case, I'd say that kun 'dus kyi ngo bo is a bit redundant and kun 'dus is probably fine on its own. Then again, you probably don't need the "three times" either, as the meaning would pretty much be the same if you just said skyabs gnas kun 'dus bla ma rin po che la gsol ba 'debs so. And you could always add a mchog or a ni in there if you want to adjust the meter. Anyway, that's what I think, but still not sure if that's what you meant to ask.
Thanks for your feedback. I was trying to reconstruct the Tibetan based on the following transliteration and translation:
dü sum kyab nä kun dü kyi ngo wo la ma rin po che la söl wa deb so
I make request to the precious guru who is the nature of all of the assembled refuges of the three times
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