Undefinable, you're seeing for yourself the truth of suffering, which is one of the Marks of Existence, along with impermanence and non-self.
Your recognition of suffering even in religious thoughts and intentions is wisdom not something "wrong."
Thoughts, consciousness, feeling... these all bear these Three Marks, so having a religious flavor doesn't absolve them from being impermanent, suffering, and lacking a self we can influence.
Rather than being barred from practice because of this, it is actually the gate to the dharma
Why? Since you suffer, you want release from suffering.
By extension, others who suffer the same way also want the same release.
Now we're at the gate to compassion and the Six Perfections!
In the midst of pain, it's only our that confuses and blinds us from taking this manure and using it to grow the flower of bodhi.
I again invite you to explore the Lojong slogans, practical little verses for just such messy people as you and I.
http://lojongmindtraining.com/sectionSu ... ectionID=0
Alan Wallace wrote:When Everything Goes Wrong, Treat Disaster as a way to Wake Up.
But those who have truly entered the door of dharma will begin to respond actively to unfavorable circumstances in a way that transforms them. How? By cultivating the attitude that whatever misfortune may arise is a blessing of the spiritual mentor and the Triple Gem of Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.
For something to be a misfortune for me, I must identify it as such. If I refuse to identify something as an obstacle but say instead, "I accept this illness as a blessing of my spiritual guide and of the Buddha," then it becomes so. It takes much courage and knowledge of dharma to say that, to mean it, and to act accordingly, but it is extremely potent.
Dilgo Khyentse wrote:Train to give and take alternatively
Enlightenment will be ours when we are able to care for others as much as we now care for ourselves, and ignore ourselves to the same extent that we now ignore others.
We should decide to take upon ourselves the suffering and the causes of suffering of all sentient beings (who have all in previous existences been our mothers), and at the same time to give away to them whatever causes of happiness that we have. And if it happens that, as we meditate upon their sufferings entering our hearts, we begin to suffer ourselves, we should think with joy that this is all for [their] sake.
Pema Chodron wrote:Work with the greatest defilements first
The time is now, not later. This slogan is suggesting that you start where you feel most stuck.
Sometimes when we feel very incompetent or unable, we need some practical advice. There are 57 such little Lojong slogans that may help you.Chogyam Trungpa wrote:Always Maintain Only a Joyful Mind
The point of this slogan is continuously to maintain joyful satisfaction. That means that every mishap is good, because it is encouragement for you to practice dharma. Other people's mishaps are good also: you should share them and bring them into yourself as the continuity of their practice or discipline. So you should include that also. It is very nice to feel that way, actually.
To start with, you maintain a sense of cheerfulness because you are on the path; you are actually doing something about yourself.
I hope you find something to your benefit.