Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

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MiphamFan
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Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by MiphamFan » Mon Jun 06, 2016 7:43 pm

If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?

How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.

Just tell them without any expectation?

Malcolm
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by Malcolm » Mon Jun 06, 2016 7:46 pm

MiphamFan wrote:If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?

How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.

Just tell them without any expectation?
If you become a stalker, maybe. But otherwise, why would it be?

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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Mon Jun 06, 2016 8:11 pm

MiphamFan wrote:If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?

How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.

Just tell them without any expectation?
IMO there is no way to avoid attachment in relationships initially, that is what attraction is. Over time though, they can turn into something more IMO,. particularly when it comes to your willingness to be generous, open, and to let go of your own stuff. It's possible to do this, but it's also really easy to confuse it with being a doormat, which can to lead to an ugly codependency. If you really like this person, by all means, make the overture, but also be as generous as you can with them, show them how you feel through your actions towards them, and remind yourself regularly that you are fortunate to know such a person, and to have the opportunity to get to know them intimately. Try to enjoy your time together, whatever direction it goes in, and relax about the future.

Just my two cents of course.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

-James Low

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saraswati
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by saraswati » Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:52 pm

MiphamFan wrote: If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.
What about finding a middle way? Being close friends first and being open to a natural progression?
Let yourself become that space that welcomes any experience without judgement.
- Tsoknyi Rinpoche

AlexMcLeod
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by AlexMcLeod » Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:29 am

MiphamFan wrote:If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?

How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.

Just tell them without any expectation?
Of course it is a form of attachment. But this is one of the last forms of attachment that a lay person should be aiming to rid themselves of.

In many cases it is a wholesome form of attachment. And, though this may be an unpopular position, regular sexual intercourse is important for physical and mental health.

Only someone trained in moving the sexual energy using the mind or other techniques is exempt from that last statement. Until you have such training, there is no reason to avoid relationships. Even after, unless you are becoming a renunciate, there is no reason to avoid relationships.

Just keep an intention that anything that develops be beneficial to both of you, and those around you.

If you want dating advice though, my rate is 20$ an hour. :jumping:
Relax! Smile From The Heart!
There is a difference between the Mundane and the Transcendental. If you purposefully confuse them, I will ignore you, you nihilist.
There is no Emotion, there is Peace. There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge. There is no Passion, there is Serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.

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Sonam Wangchug
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by Sonam Wangchug » Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:29 am

Just do it

Being lonely and miserable in this life sounds pretty Preta like to me
"To have confidence in the teacher is the ultimate refuge." -Rigzin Jigme Lingpa

muni
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by muni » Sat Jun 18, 2016 11:31 am

First of all: I like you.
Then we should say that a lot, I like you. Or show it by behaviour in kindness, a simple smile. Like HH Dalai Lama says: when we have to choose between being right and being kind, then be kind since then you are always right. Of course giving a smack can also be by kindness, care or compassion. It depends. But I do not think there is a need for that here.

With the desire the other person answers your feelings ( based on attractive projections like fellows mentioned here already), then be prepared for a no. But I wish you good luck, if you care about the other her/his wellbeing!

Then I do not know what is wrong about remaining in solitude, alone. In fact there is no “alone” at all, it only exist in confusion, as being an entity on itself needing another entity because of the feeling something is missing, I guess. Maybe due to our confusion we miss indeed our true nature by which there is no any experience of loneliness. So we seek a partner, then we are two or one couple, not alone.

Oh I do not say having a partner is wrong, for God sake no, just rambling about the reason why we feel a need for a partner.

And oh yes, it is said that being in love with another is in fact being in love with our feeling of being in love. I found that interesting.

I guess I should share more romantic talk. :smile: Anyway, all the best and good luck!
Phenomena adorn emptiness, but never corrupt it.

Only if you have developed the love and compassion of relative bodhichitta can absolute bodhichitta – the very essence of the Great Perfection and the Great Seal – ever take birth in your being. Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.

White Lotus
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by White Lotus » Mon Jun 20, 2016 5:46 pm

:smile: unselfish genuine attachment can be a wonderful quality.
in any matters of importance. dont rely on me. i may not know what i am talking about. take what i say as mere speculation. i am not ordained. nor do i have a formal training. i do believe though that if i am wrong on any point. there are those on this site who i hope will quickly point out my mistakes.

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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by Kaccāni » Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:36 pm

MiphamFan wrote:If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?
If you're attached to that hope of starting a relationship, then yes. You'll end up miserable in many ways. When you're turned down, when things don't go you expected, when you discover sides you have not seen yet. That's the other side of "liking".
How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
Dwell in your peace until you have developed compassion. If you can then say "the love I am experienceing is one of wanting to get to know this person and not change them one single bit, and if that person wants to go on, I will wish them the very best", then face them. Relationships probably shouldn't be started any earlier.
Just tell them without any expectation?
There is no "telling without expectation". The expectation is either there or not. It's not contained in the telling. You cannot have the expectation, and then pretend not to have it for the telling. Your mind will laugh at your feeble attempt at bsing it.

Develop real interest in the person, and a wayof spending time together will either occur, or not. Every time that happens, it is a gift. Then, first, spend time. And the rest will either follow or not. Relationships that are based on expectations (and be it the expectation "now finally ask what are you waiting for!"), are forked off on that expectation, and have it as their very base. If the base dies, the relationship dies, unless a new base has been found.

Best wishes
Kc
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tomschwarz
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by tomschwarz » Mon Jun 27, 2016 5:57 pm

Then there is Buddhism dear friends. We practice tonglen which through the wi§dom of sameness teaches us to "like" or as we say in Buddhism love absolutely and unconditionally all sentient beings equally. Try that and selflessness means that all you want is the other persons happiness. Then of course comes greater means through discernment which is the pristine cognition and natural transformation of attachment or desire.
i dedicate this post to your happiness, the causes of your happiness, the absence of your suffering the causes of the absence of your suffering that we may not have too much attachment nor aversion. SAMAYAMANUPALAYA

sattva
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by sattva » Wed Jul 06, 2016 3:25 am

White Lotus wrote::smile: unselfish genuine attachment can be a wonderful quality.
:smile: You understand!

sattva
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by sattva » Wed Jul 06, 2016 3:27 am

MiphamFan wrote:If I like someone and tell them, in hopes of starting a relationship, is it attachment and hence the cause for being reborn as a preta?

How do I go beyond hope and fear in this situation?
If I tell them, then I am hoping for a relationship.

If I avoid, I am either fearing rejection or rebirth as a preta.

Just tell them without any expectation?
People make these things so difficult. If you like someone tell them. If you care, don't be afraid to show it and express it! You will either make their day or not. Always keep on practicing whether in a relationship or not. It is really that simple, in my opinion.

joy&peace
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Re: Is it attachment to tell someone you like them?

Post by joy&peace » Wed Jul 06, 2016 7:50 pm

There are four gathas (poems. . . ancient poems?) which Thich Nhat Hanh shared in a dharma talk one time. . . they came to mind on seeing this thread; I only really remember two of them, and they made an impact in my life..
The two I remember were
'Darling, I am here for you,'
and, 'Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy you are there.'

The point or essence of these, as I understand it - is to let one's partner know they are appreciated - seen, valued, and so forth; during the talk he mentioned the difference of, for example, being preoccupied, and not seeing one's partner (while driving, instance), and - mindfully being in present. . .

Perhaps better illustrating. . . two other quotes along the same topic are,
'If you love someone, but seldom make yourself available to them, that is not true love,'
or, more positively expressed (also by Thay),
'If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your attention.'

So then, what got me to post here was, after searching for the original gathas, coming across the following:

"Going Home"
'There is no coming and no going, for we are always with you and you, with us. When we go home and we remember to return to our breathing, we will know that the friends at Plum Village and our Sangha Body all over the world are breathing too. Any time we like, we can take refuge in the practices of conscious breathing, mindful eating, loving speech, and many other wonderful practices. When we do, we will feel very connected and not alone. We become as large as the Sangha Body.

'Let us continue our practice as we return to our homes, our families and society. As we have learned to live in harmony with the Sangha in Plum Village, we can also cultivate harmony in our families and in society. As we have learned to understand and appreciate our friends in the practice, we can also learn to understand and appreciate our co-workers and our neighbors. We can practice loving speech with strangers on the city bus, just as we do with the sisters and brothers at Plum Village. Mindfulness practice is everywhere we go.'

(That was on the same area as here - and I came to this one from :
http://plumvillage.org/mindfulness-prac ... editation/ )
which can be practiced very nicely with kittens, among other mammals.
Namaste,
May all beings be happy, may all beings be healthy,
may all beings be at peace.

Additional - the first two I shared, are for relationships, but the same principle applies in every friendship or relation - to let someone know they are valued and appreciated, is one of the greatest aspects of - life -

Peace, and good fortune :) (Tashi Delek)

and the other. . . to be generous with one's time, for example, is one of the greatest ways of showing that one cares - to express, that one is valued - it rather says it without words, and. . . --- along the lines of letting things flow

(If you want to travel the Way of Buddhas and Zen masters, then expect nothing, seek nothing, and grasp nothing. - Dogen)

this makes sense in this case, as well. . be available, be attentive, show love ( 'Buddhahood - the perfection of wisdom, love, and power' -HH the Dalai Lama ), and - these things can make the basis of a beneficial and fulfilling relationship.

Many good wishes and remember, have faith in yourself very much!
Om...
Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate bodhi svaha

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