Loving multiple people is fine. Multiple sexual partners is fine. Sometimes relationships end but the love continues in various ways for various reasons. Some people you will always be in love with, even if you meet the partner of your dreams the love for this other person never fades. So nothing wrong with loving multiple people.ChrisK wrote:Now, as a Buddhist I am suppose to avoid suffering and causing harm to others and in saying that I would like opinions or maybe some guidance. So, if I'm suppose to avoid harming others how do I tell one I'm in love with another woman or how do I end the other relationship, which I refuse to call an affair because it's much more than that? The "other" woman knows I'm married and is willing to share me and is also willing to make sure no one finds out about us. I must also add this info because it makes me more aware of not hurting the "other" woman. The "other" woman is fighting Lymphoma and ending anything at this time would be too harsh and hurtful because she depends on me for comfort and companionship. I would truly like some input on this issue. Thank you.
You already know whats wrong, you've already figured it out. However I would point out that most people cheat not because they want to hurt others, or themselves, or want to be deceptive. They cheat because they rushed into commitment before knowing themselves and what they want. They cheat because they have not reached a point where they really want to build a life with someone. I think it comes from clinging to experiences and also from not understanding the power of sexual energies and the hormones involved with intimacy. Its very easy to "slip" and end up in a situation where there is a cascade effect of biological events coupled with (usually) various kinds of unconscious forces and neurotic tendencies that drives people to get together in the first place. The "honeymoon" phase as its called is literally a period of extreme delusion where both partners have this image of the other person that usually has absolutely nothing to do with reality. As reality sets in, this honeymoon (or neurosis) comes to an end and this is the test of whether a relationship can endure or not.
My point is these are powerful forces in general and hard to navigate for everyone. Still, my advice is to sort this all out one way or another. Whatever you choose to do make a promise to yourself that this will be the LAST time you commit to someone before you are absolutely sure you are ready for that. No more rushing into a commitment. Dont be the man who makes these kinds of empty promises to a woman. Its better for her to want your commitment and not have it (and its even better to lose her because of this) than it is for her to think she has your commitment but doesn't.
From a Dharma perspective if you can achieve insight into emptiness then you can begin to experience the arising of universal compassion. Having this will make it much easier to commit because your motivations will be rooted in selflessness and not in neurotic, selfish habits. You can actually build a relationship with someone with this universal compassion and love as your foundation, and I think for a Buddhist this should be our goal. Its amazing and beautiful and allows for a full expression of all possible forms of compassion that your body can give to another person, at least if you find the right kind of woman for that. The question of being with other people is moot because as you realize that all things are mere self appearances there wont be any clinging to the phenomenal appearance of a supposed "other woman" since all women are a part of your own consciousness and all "being in love with" a woman is only being in love with an expression of your own mind and energies. So thats what I really encourage- developing a view like that. Meditating, practicing, studying Dharma.
You'll never be perfect, but when you see these things in yourself then we attempt to put an end to them and commit to not doing them again. We do this with the strong intention of Bodhicitta. You already have this self awareness and you already know its wrong, now its just about making some choices and moving forward in your life with this new self awareness and hopefully some new, better intentions for the sake of yourself and others.