Motova wrote: ↑Sat Jul 14, 2018 7:53 pm
I really recommend: https://www.amazon.ca/General-Theory-Lo ... ry+of+love
It explains the neuroscience of all this is layman's language.
The conclusion of it is that these abused people who perceive abuse as love and normal need to be regulated by healthy nervous systems. They need to see healthy people react to unhealthy behaviour, situations, and circumstances in healthy ways.
i'm not gonna be able to read it anywhere soon, is it possible for you to make a little longer summary, please?)
what i was saying in an example is this:
in one family a kid approach his mother with something to share but only face a rebuke because he is annoying, she is busy, she is not in the mood or whatever. if he does something not to the mother's liking she says she didn't buy a nice toy for him because he doesn't stand up to her expectation. bad marks at school? he is gonna be a cleaner or a bum. you get the picture.
in another family everything is fine, the kid feels loveable, respected and mom's alwayas ask what he wants, be it a breakfast or a new garment.
first one is already a neurotic, he has low self esteem, problems with social adaptation, etc/. many of such people develop a major sense of being offended. an inadvertently said word can blast them off into deep insult but they never admit it openly and immideately because they feed on this offense. they stay smiley and kind on the surface, until sometime later they spit their bile on an unsuspecting "offender".
so it's not about abuse per se. it just that those with unhealthy childhood tend to project those feeling in adult life because, as psychologists say, love is what you perceive as a child. it's kind of imprint- a child doesn't have the option not to love his mother. so if mother is herself a neurotic personality, a child loves her the way it is, and for him, love become interwoven with those neurotic traits of a mother. they perceive love as pain, cold, neglection, insults, emotional blackmail and so forth, whatever neurotic patterns a child's parents display. so in adulthood they are drawn towards people who display same attitude towards them, because for them it is love, all those negative emotions are love. from what i understand this is one of the major reasons for a person to become gay. for example for a boy if his mother way too controlling, dismissive and oppressive chances are very high he'll become gay when sexual drive kicks in. overall, neurotical relationships portrayed quite extensively these days in movies and in music, i guess because western society is generally highly neurotic.
also there is a story i vaguelly recall about meeting of Dalai Lama with some western buddhist teachers around 1992 in India, and one of them asked something about those people who find themselves unworthy or despise themselves for being inadequate. Dalai Lama looked a little confused so he asked if a person talks about people in mental institution. western teachers looked at each other and the questioner said no he talks about those who are sitting here in the room for example. besides Dalai Lama and his attendant they all were westerners.
Miroku, please read "The Biographies of Rechungpa: The Evolution of a Tibetan Hagiography" by Peter Alan Roberts. As Malcolm already mentioned, you may be surprised to learn there was not much troubles between Marpa and Milarepa, as well as between Milarepa and Rechungpa.