Recovering from Trauma

Requesting and offering prayers and aspirations for those in need.
Motova
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Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:03 pm

Please pray for me.

I recently broke after I discovered how much abuse I have normalized and how much trauma I have accumulated.

I'm not going to trash my family and extended family here, but basically I've begun cutting everyone out of my life and/or handing out ultimatums.

It feels like I've woken up from a nightmare, but then the sad part is that it wasn't a nightmare.

It's really really hard not to rant about my evil family or be consumed in awe over trauma in isolation.

Luckily, I am young and can rebuild.

Thank you.

Pero
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Pero » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:44 pm

Om ma ni pad me hung
:hug:
Although many individuals in this age appear to be merely indulging their worldly desires, one does not have the capacity to judge them, so it is best to train in pure vision.
- Shabkar

Crazywisdom
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Crazywisdom » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:52 am

Motova wrote:
Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:03 pm
Please pray for me.

I recently broke after I discovered how much abuse I have normalized and how much trauma I have accumulated.

I'm not going to trash my family and extended family here, but basically I've begun cutting everyone out of my life and/or handing out ultimatums.

It feels like I've woken up from a nightmare, but then the sad part is that it wasn't a nightmare.

It's really really hard not to rant about my evil family or be consumed in awe over trauma in isolation.

Luckily, I am young and can rebuild.

Thank you.
I was recently thinking in same terms. I just had a conversation with a friend about this. My dad just died and my half siblings who are 20 yrs my senior did some unforgivable things. That brought to mind my past with them and the stories that were told to me as a child to explain injuries and things suddenly were seen with my adult eyes. It is almost a trauma in itself to recognize the euphemisms were lies. Then there were the stories of what happened to their children and I just looked back aghast at my life. OMG there are bodies of children buried. I was almost one of them. What a horror show!

And then I recall my lama stopped me from telling my story. As I started to tell it he pinched me. He said, Everyone is born in samsara. Samsara is stories.

That was a POW 💥 moment. Just to remember the guru and be free from suffering us everything.

Of course leave bad friends and relations. Go far away to a foreign land where nobody knows you. This is the way of the a Bodhisattva.

Get the best transmissions from excellent flawless lamas and just be with the dakinis instead. The desire realm is a fast path to misery.
Vajra fangs deliver vajra venom to your Mara body.

Motova
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:46 pm

I recently had a marijuana induced psychotic break down (given A LOT of momentum by recently chunking age regression and remote viewing/telepathy right before, and A LOT of perfectly timed synchronicities)... but I can't give specifics because I would have to negatively criticize Buddhism and Vajrayana and society and my entire family... basically everyone. My four, almost five years, of Tibetan Buddhism have required a lot of change of perspective and my two, almost three, years of chronic pain and abuse have been rough.

I am fine now, but I need to purify.

Basically I prayed to the protectors to drag me kicking and screaming to Buddhahood because I realized that that is what was needed for me. Within a hour or two I had a powerful nyam which made me scream for like ten seconds straight in terror because I saw my family and ancestors and friends and everyone being reborn as animals and/or in hell.

In the end, probably the worse thing I did during my break down was convincing my self I had given this random African guy with broken English an oral transmission over facebook messenger. In essence, I thought this guy should find a Dzogchen Lama and he asked me what Dzogchen is and I told him a crazy wacked plain English new age answer, and I thought I empowered him (because by that point I thought I was enlightened). In the end, when my breakdown lost momentum and I pieced things together I told him I had went crazy and that he should find a real Lama if he was interested. He understood, but then told me he wasn't interested in having a Lama.

I looked at ChNNR's Guru Yoga book, the oral transmission part and I never explained any of that (besides being pure since forever) and I never told him really anything and never prepared him or me for a transmission. I did briefly chunk some stuff from ChNNR's Cycle of Day and Night for him after that though.

I am sorry, I've had a very difficult almost five years of Buddhism.
Please help me understand the level of shit I am in and what I need to do to purify.
Maybe private messages are best, I don't know.

A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by A Ah Sha Sa Ma Ha » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:47 pm

if you were my son....i'd beg you to stop
smoking that shit....and i would do anything
in my power to help you....

sending love....
and praying...


:heart:

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Grigoris
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Grigoris » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:50 pm

Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:46 pm
I am sorry, I've had a very difficult almost five years of Buddhism.
Please help me understand the level of shit I am in and what I need to do to purify.
Maybe private messages are best, I don't know.
You are wasting your time if you do not put all your effort into finding a teacher.

AND you need stop blaming everybody else for your actions.
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

Sherab Rigdrol
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Sherab Rigdrol » Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:09 pm

Grigoris wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:50 pm
[quote=Motova post_id=478777 time=<a href="tel:1547318795">1547318795</a> user_id=2749]I am sorry, I've had a very difficult almost five years of Buddhism.
Please help me understand the level of shit I am in and what I need to do to purify.
Maybe private messages are best, I don't know.
You are wasting your time if you do not put all your effort into finding a teacher.

AND you need stop blaming everybody else for your actions.
[/quote]

A. He does have a teacher

B.Have some tact Greg

Motova
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:55 pm

Kunga Lhadzom wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:47 pm
if you were my son....i'd beg you to stop
smoking that shit....and i would do anything
in my power to help you....

sending love....
and praying...


:heart:
I have. I did. Before my chronic pain I had stopped for over one and a half years.

It really helped me from freaking out on my parents and my Lamas. The big controversies and certain aspects of Vajrayana made me have panic attacks when I tried to practice a sadhana. ChNNR even told me to relax and stop practicing.

In short, smoking marijuana stopped me from hitting my mom, screaming at my Lamas, and got my mind off the pain. If I didn't I could go hours ranting about my family and Tibetan Buddhism.

Malcolm helped me a lot. But eventually ChNNR and he didn't want to talk about my issues with Vajrayana... so I got the feeling I had to figure it all out and just sit and process stuff on my medical leave.

It was smoke marijuana or accumulate a ton of bad karma. But eventually marijuana couldn't hold it back and I snapped.
Grigoris wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:50 pm
Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:46 pm
I am sorry, I've had a very difficult almost five years of Buddhism.
Please help me understand the level of shit I am in and what I need to do to purify.
Maybe private messages are best, I don't know.
You are wasting your time if you do not put all your effort into finding a teacher.

AND you need stop blaming everybody else for your actions.
Honestly, I did so much reading before I entered Tibetan Buddhism and got the best Lamas so this exact thing wouldn't happen.

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Grigoris
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Grigoris » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:14 pm

Sherab Rigdrol wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:09 pm
A. He does have a teacher
Well then he should listen to his teacher because I bet his teacher did not tell him to smoke himself into psychosis.
B.Have some tact Greg
Taking responsibility for one's CURRENT actions is one of the first steps towards recovery from trauma. If a person just spends their whole time blaming other's for their current predicament, then they will never recover. Healing starts now and moves towards the future. You have to learn your lessons from previous experiences and then leave them behind.

I guess as a trauma psychologist you know that though?
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

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Grigoris
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Grigoris » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:16 pm

Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:55 pm
Honestly, I did so much reading before I entered Tibetan Buddhism and got the best Lamas so this exact thing wouldn't happen.
Your teacher's are not to blame for what you did to yourself. You chose to execute the particular actions. Follow your teacher's advice.
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

Motova
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Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:05 pm

Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:35 pm

Grigoris wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:16 pm
Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:55 pm
Honestly, I did so much reading before I entered Tibetan Buddhism and got the best Lamas so this exact thing wouldn't happen.
Your teacher's are not to blame for what you did to yourself. You chose to execute the particular actions. Follow your teacher's advice.
You are right.

ChNNR has passed.

Malcolm doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

So now I move on to meat space....

Sherab Rigdrol
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Sherab Rigdrol » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:39 pm

Grigoris wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:14 pm
Sherab Rigdrol wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:09 pm
A. He does have a teacher
Well then he should listen to his teacher because I bet his teacher did not tell him to smoke himself into psychosis.
B.Have some tact Greg
Taking responsibility for one's CURRENT actions is one of the first steps towards recovery from trauma. If a person just spends their whole time blaming other's for their current predicament, then they will never recover. Healing starts now and moves towards the future. You have to learn your lessons from previous experiences and then leave them behind.

I guess as a trauma psychologist you know that though?

I also know not to give unsolicited counseling to people I don’t personally know over the internet who are super vulnerable. But as a trauma psychologist you know that Greg. Right?!!

Motova
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:54 pm

I'm going to contact some DC instructors.

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Grigoris
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Grigoris » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:49 pm

Sherab Rigdrol wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:39 pm
I also know not to give unsolicited counseling to people I don’t personally know over the internet who are super vulnerable. But as a trauma psychologist you know that Greg. Right?!!
Good on yah! Now instead of playing at being Motova's lawyer, why don't you actually take part in the conversation we are having and add something constructive?
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

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Grigoris
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Grigoris » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:50 pm

Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:54 pm
I'm going to contact some DC instructors.
:twothumbsup:

PS Are you currently seeing a mental health professional/taking prescription medication for your problems?
"My religion is not deceiving myself."
Jetsun Milarepa 1052-1135 CE

"Butchers, prostitutes, those guilty of the five most heinous crimes, outcasts, the underprivileged: all are utterly the substance of existence and nothing other than total bliss."
The Supreme Source - The Kunjed Gyalpo
The Fundamental Tantra of Dzogchen Semde

ford_truckin
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by ford_truckin » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:02 am

Stop taking drugs and go see your doctor ASAP.
"We should not express outwardly signs of wisdom, goodness, or diligence, for inwardly we are filled with falsity."
- Shinran Shonin

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Yavana
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Yavana » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:18 am

Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:35 pm
Malcolm doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
Have you tried not doing that? Something just as simple as that could bring a lot of clarity to your outlook, reduce stress, and contribute to your overall well-being exponentially.

Not talking to people who avoid you, I mean... That's what I meant...

Motova
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Motova » Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:41 am

Grigoris wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:50 pm
Motova wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:54 pm
I'm going to contact some DC instructors.
:twothumbsup:

PS Are you currently seeing a mental health professional/taking prescription medication for your problems?
Yeah, my social worker called my mom to tell her to stop abusing me and the hospital psychiatrist gave me some high blood pressure medicine after I stayed a night at a crazy house.

I've been off marijuana since the 23rd of December. Now I just tell my parents straight up when they're being shitty evil parents, and if they don't change I plan to humiliate them by not going to family functions and interacting with family and ending any housework. If their marriage can withstand that and they still don't want to change they'll need a court order to get me out and I will start dragging the police into this.

To be honest, I just don't want some irreversible impairment on my ability for realization in this life or blocked access to the higher realms due to something I said while psychotic... which I really doubt happened (my understanding is that transmission requires pure vision and the desire for transmission from the receiver/student (which was never there), and the desire for the Vajramaster to give transmission (which I don't remember having)). If there is none of that, then whatever happened was a total blessing because it removed a lot of obstacles in my life, increased right view, pure motivation, and pure vision.

Now, I don't have any problems with Vajrayana... and my parents know I mean business... so I don't have any need for any marijuana anymore.

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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Johnny Dangerous » Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:47 am

Trauma is just part of the landscape of the ubiquitous suffering of samsara.

It's less interesting than it seems, and rarely does anything profound come out of playing with it's narratives, in my opinion.
His welcoming
& rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
Knowing the dustless, sorrowless state,
he discerns rightly,
has gone, beyond becoming,
to the Further Shore.

-Lokavipatti Sutta

Bristollad
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Re: Recovering from Trauma

Post by Bristollad » Sun Jan 13, 2019 9:48 am

issuing ultimatums, planning humiliation, etc...

Does this sound like the compassionate motivation we try to cultivate as the basis for the path? If your parents behave in a toxic way towards to you then of course it is okay to create some distance but our fundamental practise of this life should be, at least, to try not to harm others. Rather than worrying about what you said to a stranger while under the influence (self-medication is rarely a good idea), maybe dialling down the rhetoric of revenge and anger towards your family would be a start.

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